Steven Lake explores what keeps men from looking after their health.
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When it comes to men and health we have some stereotype busting to do. It’s hard to look after your health if you are a traditional man who shows no weakness and is not supposed to complain—about anything. To be strong is to be independent and not need help. To need help is to demonstrate weakness.
As young boys, many of us were taught to ignore physical pain. This teaching occurred in the home, on the sports field, and in the culture at large by showing men in cartoons or movies engaged in violence or physical feats of daring-do with no consequences. And if there is an injury, you grit your teeth and bear it. Ever hear a guy on TV screaming in pain after being shot? Not in my day. Nowadays, maybe he moans a bit. That’s progress. We are now allowed to moan. Not complain though, and certainly not cry out in pain, unless you are the weak-sniveling-bad guy.
This is the backdrop within which a man is supposed to be responsible for his body. Not only how he treats his body, but how he looks after it when injured or sick. Let’s start with how he “works” his body.
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I have a client who was horribly burned on his lower body as a young child, went through the windshield of a car in a head on collision in a different accident, had another major car accident as an adult, and
To show pain is to show weakness, and to cry is not only weak, but shameful.
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the list goes on. In session, he said he never cried through any of these incidents. This behavior was reinforced by a doctor who noticed that when the boy’s burnt skin was being peeled off his legs, he didn’t make a sound. The doctor told him “how brave” he was—silence being reinforced. The doctor didn’t say, “It’s OK to cry if you want.”
As my client is recounting his litany of tragedies to me, he suddenly stops talking . . . and bursts into tears. He tells me later, this is the first time he has cried over his accidents. He has held it in for decades. In his particular case, the cost has been high. Constantly battling with drug abuse and alcoholism (more self-injurious behavior), thinking nothing of working double shifts (ignoring his body’s need for rest), and by always pushing himself while being oblivious to the effects on his family, especially his relationship with his wife.
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Much of his behavior stems from the simple belief that as a man he was not supposed to show pain. To show pain is to show weakness, and to cry is not only weak, but shameful. It shows you are not in control, and even worse, like the other sex who is allowed to cry—you are acting like a girl. And no young boy ever wants to be accused of being a girl. Check out Ariel Chesler’s article on how boys that are not allowed to express “girlie” emotions are left with rage. I also see lots of depression with men who don’t know how to express their emotions. As I said, we have some stereotyping to bust.
What about health? Men, again, are very good at ignoring signals from their body. According to the American and Canadian Census data, men:
- Have 1.5x as many cancers as women
- Have 2x as many heart attacks
- Have 2x as many ulcers
- Commit suicide 3x as often
- Get murdered 4x more often
- Have 6x more on the job accidents
- Get arrested for drunkenness 13x more frequently
- Die 4-5 years younger.
We act as if our bodies are tools – something to be used or driven (into the ground).
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Being a man plays havoc with your health. There have been many arguments over the years about the causes that leads to these statistics. They range from, testosterone (risky behavior), physiology and genetics (we are weaker than women), and culture. There may be many contributing factors leading to these results, but I put a lot of weight on the “big boys don’t cry” cultural side of the argument.
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How does this look in everyday life? Last summer, I was sitting on the veranda at my buddy’s house over-looking the city on a sunny afternoon when blood starts pouring from his nose. What the hell! He sloughs it off as nothing important. “How many times has this happened,” I ask. “Oh, it’s being going on for a couple of weeks,” he responds. Eventually he takes himself to the hospital and discovers he has skin cancer.
Then there is another friend who has been squinting for years and (six years since his last eye exam), gets a check-up and is told he has cataracts and needs surgery. Or another buddy who has been limping for decades and still hasn’t gone for hip surgery—he will probably die first before going. These are not old men, OK, they are middle aged men. But I see similar signs of ignoring the body from young men as well.
Men in marriage are healthier and live longer.
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Among young men in high school, the need to look buff has created a huge problem with the use of anabolic steroids. Again, to achieve a certain goal, the long-term health of the body is ignored for the short term gain. How many stories do we hear of young hockey or football players playing with concussions, broken bones, pulled muscles or sprained ligaments? Far too many.
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We act as if our bodies are tools—something to be used or driven (into the ground), not something to be valued, cherished and looked after. I only hear those terms being used for men by body builders and health food types. And for “real” men, body builders are seen as vain, and health food fanatics are seen as wimps. Again, it is this prejudice against nurturing the body in any form.
We may work our bodies into shape, but it is always with a purpose—to get in shape to get hired on with the fire department, to run that marathon, because we had a heart attack and the doctor has ordered us to lose weight. But most American men do not look after their bodies and they are overweight. According the NIH website, 2 in 3 adults are considered to be overweight or obese. I won’t bore you with how being obese is detrimental to your health. You can check it out here.
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We have set the scene for the current state of affairs in the general sense, but what about men and their health in marriage. Now the good news. Men in marriage are healthier and live longer. This may be due, in part, because their wives are either looking after them or encouraging them to look after themselves. That is how it is in our household. My partner often reminds me to eat right, look after my aches and pains, and overall—take responsibility for my health and well-being.
An article on Marriage and men’s health in Harvard Health Publications states a number of benefits including:
- Married men are healthier than men who were never married
- Married men live longer than men without spouses
- Men who marry after 25 years old are healthier and live longer than men who marry before 25
- The longer a man stays married the greater the survival advantage over unmarried peers
- Married men have a 46% lower death rate from cardiovascular disease than unmarried men
- Regarding cancer, “Unmarried patients were less likely to receive treatment than married patients — but even among people who received cancer therapy, marriage was linked to improved survival. Patients who have intact marriages when cancer is diagnosed have better survival than patients who are separated at the time of diagnosis.”
- Married men have a lower risk for depression
- Married men enjoy retirement better
- Married men have better cognitive function and a reduced risk of Alzheimer’s disease
Sign me up! Can it be any more plain than that? And if you aren’t, or don’t want to get married—give up the old stereotype of the “strong” man and start taking care of yourself.
Photo: Flickr/Seattle Municipal Archives
I think married men take care of themselves better and take fewer risks out of a feeling of responsibility. They feel that they need to be there for their families. That’s why I don’t really take care of myself. I have no one I am responsible for / to. As far as married men being happier. It’s probably due in part to men not forming strong lasting friendships and a change in expectation. A married guy can expect the same old same old. He comes content with it. A single guy has to constantly create his own expectation. While he’s… Read more »
Derring-do.
Ruh roh ….. Steve, thank you for writing this and I hope men will pay attention. But you’re speaking to the choir. So what are we as a society doing about this issue of men’s health? The answer is …. nothing. Just posted a response to another article about AHA’s “wear red for women” campaign. Have you seen any campaigns for prostate cancer? A recent article addressing male breast cancer showed that men have to go to female clinics. Yup,I agree with marriage … been married 39+ years. But we live in a culture that discourages it. But there is… Read more »
Hi Tom: In Canada we have a huge awareness program for prostate cancer called Movember. That’s not a typo. The month of November is dedicated to raising funds for prostate cancer research and men participate by growing mustaches and beards. It’s a lot of fun and the funds raised to to a National organization called Prostate Cancer Canada (PCC). Researchers in here recently discovered a “new genetic “signature” to identify prostate cancer patients who are at high risk of their cancer recurring after surgery or radiotherapy.” Things can change. Check out their website at http://www.prostatecancer.ca/