What’s Really Going on When I’m Triggered

If we are honest, being triggered is a daily experience for most people in committed relationships. But most people do not know what to do with them when they occur. On one had we have emotional overreactions- we blame, project, measure, compare and demand accountability. Or perhaps we shut down, ignore, and avoid the external confrontation with our partner in order to avoid the discomfort of conflict. Not that there aren’t more categories or response possibilities, but these two seem to account for the general majority of our experience. Our triggered experiences have so much to tell us about ourselves, yet few ever realize the wisdom they behold. If only we were willing to dig deeper, take responsibility for them, and uncover the opportunities that they behold, both for the potential to foster intimacy between us and our partner as well as point us down the path for personal growth and character development.

As Christians, it is particularly important that we understand what God is doing through and in relationships because our potential for experiencing HIm and the Love he has for us lies in how we handle these sensitive experiences. In a practical sense, what triggers amount to are God’s way of bringing to the surface our need to humble ourselves, be vulnerable, and shed the flesh thus leading us on the path of sanctification, continually making us into a more perfect version of ourselves and into the likeness of Christ. Though we may come to understand these triggers through direct interaction with Him, we are also needed to act out that acquired insight in real and practical ways, namely in relationships. “Faith without works is dead (James 2:26),” is the general idea here a by doing this we are “Working our our salvation with fear and trembling (Phillipians 2:12)”.

First we have to understand a little about our minds after the fall. The internal workings of a human being involve many different parts. These parts are expressed both in our strengths and in our weak moments of being emotionally triggered. We tend to see these parts as who we are and tend to identify with them, justifying their existence. It’s not that these parts are without purpose. They have become natural to us beginning in our early childhood environments, and crafted as natural defenses for the other parts of us that were not loved, welcomed, or validated. These neglected parts of us remain unfulfilled, unacknowledged, and subside deep in our subconscious and uncoscious minds. In many cases we arent even aware that they exist, because these protector parts are so prevelant and strong. They become our automatic guides in life, guiding us towards experiences that justify thier job therefore away from anything that triggers them. They are judgmental, defensive, and suspicious, always measuring, calculating and weighing. They only like what agrees with them and despise the challenge of dealing with people who trigger their self-protective nature. Embedded in an ecosystem that has perpetually justified them, they grew stronger over the years and facilitate what we call normal.

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These protective parts though, are what amount to the ego. The Bible doesn’t utilize that word specifically, but it does actually refer to this part extensively, particularly in Paul’s writings. He particularly discusses this system in Romans chapters 6–8 where he discusses this battle between the desires of the flesh and the desires of the Spirit. The believer is instructed to live by the desires of the spirit and not the flesh which wars against the spirit. Understanding this battle and distinguishing between the these internal works is essential in the life of the believer, but we aren’t taught this in practical terms. We know these truths but we are confused as to what is actually happening. We know the flesh when it comes to our sins such as sexual sin, addictions, anger issues and other obvious and measurably socialy inappropriate behaviors. However, the ego/flesh is subtle and deceptive. It also functions in some of our natural ways that are justified socially. Only the Spirit of God can bring this to light for us and the way he does this is by his work in our relationships with others, particularly in our relationship with our significant other.

It’s actually good news when we find ourselves in conflict in our relationship when we understand this through God’s eyes. We have an opportunity in those moments to grow if only we can separate ourselves, like Paul from the workings of the ego/flesh as in Romans 7:18–25 where he says in verse 19–20, “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do- this I keep doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” Paul wasn’t letting himself of the hook. He was trying to help us distinguish between these inner workings, emphasizing the need to set our minds on the desires of the Spirit who in fact redeemed the self, not the ego.

The self or the soul of the individual has been freed (see Romans 8:2) to choose and it is the Holy Spirit that comes along side to guide us away from the flesh which is heading towards death. The ego is not going to go quietly and we will constantly find ourselves confronted with this spiritual battle every time we are triggered. Our job is to distinguish and set our minds on the spirit, choosing with our will to do what God is telling us to do which is typically going going to be in the expression of the fruits of the spirit (Galatians 5:22 Love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness). The Ego parts hate this experience because it involves grace and that is something that it cannot make sense of and control. The ego sees grace as punishment because it wants retribution and judgement; interestedly it not only judges others but also judges ourselves.

The self or the soul is the seat of the will and the work of Jesus on the cross is what He set free giving us back our choice. Though the self has been redeemed, sits in peace and is full of love, it is still living out this life in a body that contains an ego. Paul was also are of this when he says in Romans 7:24, “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death. The flesh is going to freak out and we should expect this, because it is being crucified. The very reaction of the flesh and the anxiety it feels is indicative that this is what we are facing therefore need to trust God and his love. Fear and vulnerability are indicators that we are facing in the right direction, and faith becomes our guide, walking us straight into what we have been living to avoid for so many years. When we choose the spirit we are choosing to put the flesh on the cross. As the late Voddie Baucham stated, “Nail the flesh to the cross, leave it up there and let it die. It’s going to scream and cry to get down. Leave it up there and let it die!”

So one way we can recognize the flesh in our lives is through the triggered experience of relationship conflict. Thank God for these experiences, they have a purpose, and if both us and our partner understand this we can begin to navigate conflict in a productive way and let the Spirit in them work with the Spirit in us, facilitating our growth and giving us the experience of love that God is trying to give us. We aren’t going to like it, but it’s a good thing and understanding that this is exactly what God is doing with us helps to trust him in the process. As a matter of fact, it’s Him I trust the whole time, not my equally wounded and sinful partner. This isnt some secret, God is very clear as to how he works, but our egos keep us in self justifying loops, preventing intimacy and preventing our obedience to God. Of course it would do this, it doesnt want to face the death it is headed for due to the work of Christ on the Cross.

To further frame this we can look at Hebrews 12:25–27 which states, “See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks. If they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, how much less will we, if we turn away from him who warns us from heaven? At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.” The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken — that is, created things — so that what cannot be shaken may remain.” When God is speaking it will cause a shaking and one way that shaking occurs is when we are triggered. During that experience the ego/flesh arises in defensiveness and as bitterness comes up to defend me, I hear the Lord say live in peace. This bitterness is not of the Lord. How do I know that? Because I am secure, I have come to Mount Zion and I sit redeemed in Christ. So I must open my ears to hear the one who speaks. The one who shakes me and the Earth, so that all is created, including my ego can be shaken, and what can remain is eternal. That is what is true and that is what we rest on and act from.

The ego/flesh is a creation of our minds. It is “self-creation” and this is the nature of the original sin that gives birth to all manner of sin. But Jesus came and circumcise the flesh/ego freeing us to live by faith and be obedient to once again walking in union with Him. This shaking of created things is not just the material world, but the very things of our self-created minds including thoughts, fears, self protective beliefs about ourselves and the world we live in. He is doing this shaking in relation to all of our involvements, but the sharpest and most pointed area of attention occurs in our deepest most intimate relationships. If we understand this by faith, and see through the eyes of God, suddenly the narrative we are living by is challenged. Triggers and fears are repurposed as opportunities for God to work and be glorified and for us to walk into the blessings he has for us, including a fruitful relationship. Most importantly, we are offered an opportunity to truly know ourselves, wonderfully and beautifully made in the image of God, strong and secure, eternal and unshakeable.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.