While taking night classes together, Thomas and Miriam were getting to know each other little by little. Their conversations would flow and they’d enjoy each other’s company. Miriam was clear in that she only wanted a friendship, which Thomas was seemingly A-OK with. Yet Thomas wanted her to know that he’d be there when she needed him, that she could rely on him. Something Miriam found more soothing than she’d allow herself to admit.
One day, while perturbed and shaken up after a wretched conflict with her mother, she messaged Thomas to ask if he could come by. (She wanted to talk with someone she could trust.) He responded he’d be on his way.
He showed up with a bottle of wine and told her she could tell him all about it.
Some one and a half wineglass later, Miriam, immersed in recounting her story, started to draw connections to some latent, unhealed childhood wounds, provoking tears to gush down her cheeks. Thomas got a little closer, took hold of her hand, and listened sympathetically.
He brushed away a lock of hair falling over her face and slowly moved yet a little bit closer.
She instantly recoiled from him, ‘What are you doing?’ she said in a shrill voice.
Embarrassed and confused, some stuttering words of, ‘What do you mean?’ came out of his mouth. What did I do wrong? Isn’t this what she wanted? he thought to himself.
‘I was just comforting you, nothing else,’ he said in a slightly piqued, defensive voice. He paused for a bit and went on saying, ‘Come on now, go on telling me as you were,’ in an instantly lighter tone.
Miriam wasn’t sure what to believe. Thomas is a nice guy, she told herself as if to mollify herself. Why did I get all worked up? It’s nothing. It’s the smallest thing.
Yet something deep down in her felt kind of betrayed.
After Thomas left her place, Miriam was left with an empty, hollow feeling: wondering if the sympathy and support he’d been offering her came with hidden intentions. Was he only kind to get closer to her?
Some guys are lucky: they got the charm, natural charisma, and, of course, the hot bod to go along. Other guys are seemingly less fortunate; they’re awkward and kind of afraid of women. Some of which, like Thomas perhaps, try to be what [they believe] women want and give them what they [believe they] want.
If women are complaining about all the bad guys, they should obviously happily embrace a nice guy, right?
Why are women so darn difficult…?
My problem with the ‘nice guy’
Speaking for myself, I could never quite fall for a typically nice guy (but I tried). I thought it was me; of course, that was partly true, or rather hugely so. I had my childhood patterns and hidden scars and was unwittingly searching for that which seemed familiar. (The familiar being someone rather narcissistic — sounds familiar, right?) Thus the logical conclusion was that it was something wrong with me for always ending up rejecting the nice guys.
Though, as it tends to be, the truth is nuanced, and there was also something with the unduly nice guy that repelled me, which was not only due to my poor, wounded soul.
When some of these nice guys were so nice and supportive, I often intuited that there was something else they wanted. That would make me anxious (and, to tell you the truth, rather angry) because I couldn’t tell for sure if it was real or not, and I didn’t want to be accusatory. I tried to show them the benefit of the doubt. But sometimes when I’d expose my vulnerable self, they’d jump at it oh-so-discreetly to try to get closer. Which would make me lose faith in the friendship. And I’d distant myself to a lesser or greater extent.
What can a nice guy do better?
If you’re romantically interested in someone, be a man and train yourself in becoming smoother in your flirtation. And be clear about your intentions. (Hint, being clear, has more to do with showing, rather than telling — in the beginning.) Because nothing is more attractive than someone who knows how to show interest in a confident and playful way. And, I know, this sounds impossible to many.
Yes, this is hard and costs quite some uncomfortable effort and practice and lots of rejections — but so do all good things in life. And, I know, this is easier said than done.
And, no, this is not a gift some men are born with and others not and that’s it — it’s a skill you can acquire (to some extent, at least!).
‘Bad looks’ is just an excuse not to try. [Many/most] women, speaking for myself for sure, care much more about character and ‘aura’ than a ‘perfect body.’ Having some skills, passion, and ambition in life is key to gaining traction in women. Women tend to marry up, this is what’s called ‘hypergamy.’
Though it’s not all about status; prowess in something, enthusiasm, and confidence is more attractive than anything else (at least in my opinion).
Mostly, we want to feel comfortable — not anxious and nervous — in your presence.
Of course, sometimes, a friendship can transform into something more, but that needs to be felt and experienced by both. And, if not sure, better to confront her directly, and say what you feel to her face. Not via technology. Not by trying to get to her when she’s hurt and vulnerable.
This is scary, but then again, it takes courage to overcome that fear. (And courageous people are attractive — there you have it.) So often, the fear of rejection is worse than the rejection itself.
From Mr. Nice Guy himself
Dr. Robert Glover is a family therapist and best-selling author of the book ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy,’ and he shares his experience of being a reformed nice guy.
It took Robert well into his second marriage to realize that being a nice guy — as he self-identified — wasn’t all that nice after all.
Why not?
Because he was often nice to get something in return. He was trying to fill his own cup. He had clandestine self-serving interests that he wouldn’t even confess to himself. (Not until he started getting therapy and joined a men’s group. And this was when he was a marriage and family therapist himself!)
He used to think, if I’m nice to my wife and give her what she wants and needs, she’ll be nice to me in return and give me what I want (that often being sex). And when he didn’t get what he wanted, despite being oh-so-nice and the perfect husband, he got resentful and passive-aggressive instead.
But, guess what, women are intuitive. They may not be able to articulate what’s going on, but they sense what’s going on. And it doesn’t feel good. So they may end up doing the opposite of what the man wants (as many women, too, don’t know how to communicate or are afraid of confronting their partner with their feelings). Which, of course, tends to make the man both frustrated and angry. If they don’t talk it out, resentments insidiously burgeon in them both, and the relationship grows cold and [warning!] sexless.
If you’re nice to get something in return, it’s not very nice — it’s manipulative. Whether you’re aware of it or not.
So where does this ‘nice guy’ tendency stem from?
It’s a mix of character traits, upbringing, and social/cultural environment — like all things. Nature mixed with nurture makes up who we become.
In Robert’s case, he’s a pretty easygoing guy and he naturally prefers to avoid conflicts.
But he, like the rest of us, was also shaped by his childhood environment and culture with all their (implicit) expectations. That influenced how he came to relate to women and others as an adult.
Robert says that outside stressors in childhood — e.g., neglect and lack of attention, physical or emotional abuse, group and social pressure, etc., etc. — lead the child into developing defense survival mechanisms.
The child, naturally and unconsciously, tries different strategies to cope with those stressors.
(Even with the best of parents, and in the best of worlds, there will be stressors and outside factors, that the the parents won’t necessarily be aware of, but that their child finds ways to cope with.)
The child will cope by trying to prevent what causes these subsequent uncomfortable feelings from happening again. Sometimes, his coping mechanism — also dependent on his natural temperament — will be to give and offer what he thinks others want of him. Leading them to give him more of what he wants in return (that tends to be comfort, love, attention, and sometimes simply instantly gratifying things). He learns to become a people pleaser and a ‘nice boy’ let’s say. Of course, this happens to girls too.
As he grows up and becomes an adolescent and then an adult, he goes out in the world functioning from that emotional operating system. Not aware that it was adapted to his particular childhood circumstances and that it will not function as nicely in other circumstances.
He needs to relearn and expand his horizon by integrating with the outside world and by learning to understand and unlearn behaviors that are not helpful any longer. This may be in exposure and communication with his partner, good friend, therapist, or, as in Glover’s case — a men’s group. This may also be in introspective work.
He needs to get out of his narrow self-focused world — like all of us need to do — to be able to function effectively in adult relationships and in a complex society.
[Healthy] women don’t want assholes, but they do want some emotional tension
Men may want a smooth, conflict-free life and relationship, but women tend to be somewhat trickier.
As Dr. Glover says,
‘Women have to experience emotional tension to feel attraction and attachment to a man.’
When she feels attraction this tends to get translated into physical and sexual tension, he goes on explaining.
And for her to remain attached to a man, she has to regularly feel emotional tension with him…
[Hallelujah, here’s a man who gets women, as far as I’m concerned.]
I’ve often asked myself that exact thing: what’s that inexplicable thing that makes me ferociously attracted to a man?
I cannot remember one single time that happened without some sort of tension: a tension that never emerged with men who tried too hard. I always liked men who could tease me a bit. Tease with delicacy and aptness that is… That needn’t fade…
Dr. Glover goes on to say,
If you aren’t consciously creating ‘Positive Emotional Tension’ (PET), your woman will unconsciously create ‘Negative Emotional Tension.’ You know, the body language, noise, criticism, accusations, complaining, and sigh that create tension between you.
Find out more on this in this post, by Dr. Glover himself.
The opposite of nice isn’t being an asshole but being an integrated person
To create Positive and not Negative Emotional Tension — you needn’t become a manipulative asshole — you need to become more integrated as a person.
What does that mean?
An integrated person, says Dr. Glover, is someone who is comfortable with their own feelings. They don’t need to hide anything about themselves. They’re open, visible, and transparent.
They’re capable of soothing their own anxiety by taking action, rather than by trying to manage it by medication or by trying to manage (control) people outside of them.
They’re honest and have the courage to communicate what they think, feel, need, and want — without demanding it. They don’t pretend to be perfect all the time: they’re honest about also less admirable feelings (let’s say, for example, jealousy) without acting on them (if they do they apologize and improve their behavior).
They’re not mainly driven by pursuing external validation or recognition; they’re self-validating through their own actions and sense of integrity.
They possess the self-sovereignty to ask themselves: what do I want, what feels right to me, what does my gut say? And to then follow through on that even when there’s resistance. That can be both inner resistance, such as guilt and anxiety, and outer resistance, such as social pressure, expectations, or demands from others.
They live life on their terms: what you see is what you get.
They don’t give to get, they give out of love and without expectations.
Conclusion
If you’re a nice guy (or girl), please, don’t be discouraged. And, please, don’t resent women for having a somewhat complex nature. Work on integrating yourself as a person: take responsibility for yourself, work on your skills, be curious and open to things and people, take risks and dare to show (romantic) interest — and learn from all the rejections and failures (romantic ones just as much as other ones).
If you, instead, try to take shortcuts and desperately search for a woman to fill your empty holes — you’ll never find the right one. If you manipulate and try to take advantage of vulnerable situations and people (women) — you’ll never find the right one. You may find someone — someone you can nag and complain about till the end of your days. It won’t, of course, be the right one — because you’re not the right one.
Of course, the same goes for women too. The same goes for me too. It’s a learning process, a life-long such.
We can either help each other grow or the opposite — as none of us are perfectly perfect.
‘The greatest gift you can give to somebody is your own personal development.
I used to say, “If you will take care of me, I will take care of you.” Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.”’
— Jim Rohn
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Previously Published on medium
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