When a Hug Feels Too Heavy

Ella was a hugger. As long as she could remember, physical touch was a medium through which she connected with people, especially those close to her. In Matt’s case, it was a friendship spanning eight years. Between the two friends, hugs had constituted their silent language — as warm, effortless, and genuine as possible.

Matt, a cheerful 33-year-old man, married his partner Dan. They recalled many memories together. Some of the important ones included when Matt and Dan lived with Ella during a transitional phase. Matt was charming and approachable, but Ella couldn’t help noticing that Matt had a growing problem: dandruff.

Ella knew the fight; she and Matt had the same medicine that would dry out their skin. She had dealt with similar problems, but managed by using shampoos and proper care. Matt seemed less troubled by it, and during their last get-together, the flakes had become so bad that Ella felt she looked a mess. When Matt brushed his shoulders in front of her, she had to look away at the flakes falling like snow.

Now, though, there was a new problem: Matt. She didn’t want to say no to a hug because they might think her boyfriend was controlling her now. She would have avoided making Matt feel or giving Dan a reason to assume that Ella’s boyfriend had some kind of say in what she could and couldn’t do now. With Matt, she wasn’t sure how to bring it up about the dandruff without hurting his feelings. Could she refer to it playfully? Or should she toughen it out with the itchiness?

Ella considered quipping, “Boy, no hug today — you’re snowing harder than a blizzard!” It might sound sassy enough to make Matt laugh, but what if he took it personally? She also thought about pulling Dan aside, but their relationship dynamics were tricky, and she didn’t want to meddle.

In the end, Ella realized that she cherished her relationship with Matt too much to let her embarrassment exacerbate into bitterness. A plain yet caring talk seemed to be the only way out. Something as innocent as, “Matt, I have noticed that dandruff is getting worse these days — want me to recommend something that worked for me?” could become the way out.

Because, in friendships this close, honesty — even when it hurts — is often the kindest gesture of all.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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