When I Lost Myself and Pushed You Away

I used to be the person who kept his head in a crisis. Now, I don’t even recognise myself.

The time you held me together recently as I lost it when I couldn’t contact my son — his phone was dead, he was late, it was showing at a location — I went into a panic meltdown, something I would never have done in that situation even just maybe five years back.

From Composure to Chaos

Like when I held it together when all our passports were robbed in Barcelona, and then my bag the day after with my bank card in. I was cool in that situation and sorted it. I remember you were so proud of me then.

The tears start again now. My son is trying to talk to me, I’m trying to hide it, feel frustrated, the thought that was coming out almost lost.

Searching for the Turning Point

Where did I lose my cool head? Was it the stresses of the blokes at work, a constant battle? Was it me not having a quiet space to switch off and do invoices?

I know I’ve reacted irrationally in the past, which comes from pure blind panic and fear, which I’m starting to untangle now — where it comes from and why? And how to stop and control it?

A Plea for Understanding

You would be so proud of me now if you could see it. Maybe one day, when and if we contact again, you can read this, see the work I’m doing.

Because I know I fucked up loads. And I know that wasn’t me. And you know that wasn’t the real me either.

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Determined to Change

Can’t stop the tears. I guess you will think I’ll never change, I could never stick to it, keep it up, like when I failed in the past.

Yes, I said this time is different.

But this time, I can say it with all of me.

I’m broken beyond belief. I need to repair. I need answers. I need to break the cycle, which is why I’m doing this.

Facing the Damage Done

And I’m sorry that through my pain, through my wrongdoings, you were there still clinging on to hope.

Hope I would listen.

Hope we could ride this storm.

Hope that you would conquer your traumas that I had caused the last year.

But I broke you. I broke you.

And it really hurts to think of that sweet person who loved me so fucking deep — I broke them. I hurt them.

My decline was out of control. I was heading to oblivion regardless, and I dragged you down with me.

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Reflecting on Missed Opportunities

If I knew what I knew now about some of the situations and why we both reacted in those ways, feeding each other, I have no doubt in my mind that you would have been there to soften the blow.

Unfortunately, I did the opposite. I followed the same script and pushed you away.

So you saw me falling, but you were too far away to be there.

And I’m sorry.

I know it’s just a word.

You were the only person that really knew me as best as anyone could. You got me sometimes.

It was me. My fears. My reluctance to get help. My denial. My thinking I can do this. My pig-headed fucking stubbornness. That destroyed that.

It’s not that I didn’t want help — but I did. I just couldn’t accept it. And I’ll Have to live with that.

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