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On Thursday evening after a long day of business related meetings, I decided to stop at a store for a couple of items that my wife asked me to pick up for my trip home. I currently live in Mexico, and I was visiting the United States on business. Without hesitation, I agreed to purchase the products that she missed from the time we lived in Chicago. When I reached the cashier to pay for the items, she looked at me and said: “you’re really pretty!” I looked at her with a look of bewilderment and replied, “thank you, I used to hate being called a pretty boy as a child.” She responded, “I didn’t mean it as anything negative.”
As my parents’ only son among five daughters, I hated being called anything with a feminine connotation. My sisters, girls, were pretty and I was “all boy.” I climbed trees, had fist fights, caught frogs, enjoyed playing in the dirt with bugs, ate beef, and participated in sports. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing pretty about me! Although I completely embraced the gender roles assigned to me as a child, some people continued to tease me. I often heard: “Vernon you’re such a pretty boy, with those long eyelashes. Do you wear mascara?” Hearing the words “pretty boy” and my name in the same sentence often stirred in me the emotions to fight and defend the version of masculinity I understood as central to my identity.
Years later as an adult I didn’t get angry when the cashier called me pretty. I understood that she meant it as a compliment to describe my physical appearance. More importantly, my gender identity was not offended, because someone used an adjective often reserved for women and girls. As a man and a father to two sons, I realize that gender is a social construct often informed by family, friends, and other environmental influences. It’s important that men take the time to develop positive self-awareness and encourage boys not to feel restricted by the roles assigned to them at birth.
Through my grandfather’s entrepreneurial spirit, service to the local church, and work practices at home, my father learned that masculinity is equitable with hard work, perseverance, sacrifice, and discipline. My dad has served as a pastor for over forty years, and throughout my childhood, he poured in me the importance of working hard, making sacrifices to provide for a family, and cultivating the highest form of discipline. Whether I was sweeping the floor or playing in an organized sports activity, he frequently encouraged me to do my best. In my father’s eyes, men resemble his father’s example and work hard to handle their responsibilities.
Whether I was sweeping the floor or playing in an organized sports activity, he frequently encouraged me to do my best. In my father’s eyes, men resemble his father’s example and work hard to handle their responsibilities.
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I also learned from my dad that men only cry during rare spiritual encounters. When I was a child, I wanted to mirror my father’s every foot step. I followed him around the house, enjoyed spending time with him at the church he pastored, and mimicked his Sunday sermons at home. I never saw my father cry outside of the pulpit, and so I believed for most of my childhood that boys do not express sadness, anger, or excitement via tears. Crying was a gift accessed by pastors during conversations with God in the pulpit, my mother, or one of my five sisters.
This belief system that encouraged me to define myself in complete opposition to how I understood feminine behavior had severe repercussions in school. I frequently visited the principal’s office for my disruptive behavior in class and occasionally did not put forth my best effort in my school work. Unfortunately, I believed that only girls listened in class and did well in school. My father always emphasized the importance of education, but I learned this other version of masculinity from my friends and the disconnect to the curriculum I experienced as a young Black male.
My friends and I sought validation as Black boys through sports, hip-hop music, and the number of girls who we could claim as girlfriends
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My friends and I sought validation as Black boys through sports, hip-hop music, and the number of girls who we could claim as girlfriends. We spent our time outside of school playing sports, debating our favorite artists, and talking about the imaginable girls in our lives. Inside of school, we focused primarily on making the imaginable girls visible and secondarily on academics and everything else. The sting of racism that encourages some Black boys to define their selves through, sports, music, and girls coupled with false teachings in masculinity, makes adolescence a difficult time.
Today, I am the father of two Black sons. Today, I am the father of two Black sons. I aim to teach them that gender and race are social constructs that should not restrict them in the journey towards their highest selves It’s important to me that they understand their full potential and do not seek validation through the performance of behaviors often assigned to boys from a young age. I am grateful for my father who did his best to instill in me the importance of working hard, making sacrifices, and handling responsibilities to take care of my family. As a man, I have come to realize that it is my responsibility to encourage boys to be their best selves and to resist social constructions that can limit the possibilities for their lives.
When boys and men embrace positive self-awareness, they are not offended when others call them pretty or other words typically reserved for girls and women. We can be pretty and remain men in whatever way we define masculinity for ourselves. It’s important that we take the time to define our own identities and encourage other boys and men to do the same. Yes, I believe men work hard, make sacrifices, persevere through difficult moments, and should embody self-discipline. I also believe women can do the same and more. The moment a boy becomes a man is when he does not allow others to define his identity.
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An inspired article. Thank you Vernon. Blessings to you and your family.
Thanks Vernon, for your articulate and insightful writings on this crucial topic.As a single mother of two sons – now men – I struggled with how to define & teach them what “being a man” meant. My simple take-away from what you wrote here, which I think applies to women and girls as well: “The moment a boy becomes a man is when he does not allow others to define his identity.”
Yes indeed Janet, it can be a struggle for all of us to aid our sons in their transition from boys to men. It is also hard for women and girls. I just try to do my best and encourage others to do the same. Thank you for reading and commenting on this piece.
Good article Vernon. I’ve always said that the definition of a man is his character, not what he looks like or what he wears.
I completely agree with you Stacy. Thank you for reading!
Thank you, Emmy for taking the time to read the piece and comment. BEAUTIFUL lol thank you for your support.
Brilliant article. And you are a BEAUTIFUL man.