When Relationships Feel Like Jack-in-The-Box

Fearful avoidant attachment is like a jack-in-the-box. You never know when that son of a bitch is going to pop up, and just when you get relaxed. Ugh, there he is again. Stupid Jack in the stupid box. It makes relationships feel exhausting and like it’s easier to leave them alone altogether.

That’s why I hate surprises.

This is the reality of those of us struggling with a disorganized attachment style. The one many people don’t talk about. It’s the love child of anxious and avoidant attachment style. Where you basically alternate between feeling one or the other.

Growing up, our parents are responsible for us until a certain age. If they themselves struggle with feeling secure, we are in trouble. If they’re unpredictable in their approach. Sometimes being warm and caring and other times angry and threatening. When this happens, we risk developing a fearful-avoidant attachment style.

A classic case of the “come here but leave me alone” strategy. We develop strategies to ensure we can keep someone close, but not close enough to have the chance of hurting us.

This tactic might have worked growing up, but when we’re adults and try to form secure connections, it fails. Not only fails, but also becomes painful. Pain is an indicator we need to make a change, so how do we?

Well, in my journey, I have noticed the importance of having a somewhat secure partner by our sides. Where we can feel safe expressing our fears and concerns. One that cares and wants to help make us feel comfortable. And for us to be vulnerable opens the space up for our partners to share their fears as well.

When we meet someone, we have to be careful because our wires are a little crossed. We constantly doubt our ability to discern.

We have to wait for the mud to settle before jumping to any conclusions. Taking the time to get to know someone. Actions speak louder than words, always.

On the topic of getting to know someone. Forming a strong friendship before anything romantic is very safe. Being someone’s friend takes away the pressure we feel in romantic relationships. That kind of pressure becomes painful. It feels like terror in the body and it’s hard to calm down. Keep that in mind when dating. Don’t rush into anything. Let it build.

Another way I found to feel more secure is to develop a strong spiritual practice and belief. This won’t apply to everyone. Many people don’t have a spiritual belief. But at least to step out of ourselves for a second to connect to a bigger picture. Be it God, several gods and goddesses, saints, deities, or why not nature?

We can find peace in knowing that, at the end of the day, we are just a confused human family. We spend our existence trying to figure out the purpose behind it.

The more we talk about relational problems, the more we notice how many people have the same fears. If we can be more open about the struggles, we also feel less lonely in our pain.

This makes me think of the saying “you never know what battle someone is fighting, be kind, always.”

We all try to act cool. Like we got our shit together, but we try to fool ourselves more than anyone else. It’s like we think, if we can fool the world, we will start believing it ourselves. Let’s drop the act. It’s exhausting. Most of us are still children in adult bodies trying to make sense of it all.

Relationships feel hard when, most of the time, they caused us problems in the past. When we can prove to ourselves that we can choose people who genuinely care and also walk away from the ones that don’t. We are practising self-love.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***