When the Narcissist Ignores Your Boundaries

Anyone who has ever dealt with a narcissist in any context (family, work, intimate relationship) knows that boundaries are essential. But what about when your boundaries are simply ignored?

I live out in the country on a few acres. I have lovely neighbors and it’s my sanctuary. Recently I was out for a walk along the road and I noticed that someone had been using a part of my property as a turnaround (rather than driving the equivalent of half a city block to the cul-de-sac at end of the road where it is easy — and logical — to turn around). It’s sort of an open space, but I was not happy to see tire tracks on the dirt and small plants run over.

Hmm, I thought, maybe they don’t realize this is not part of the road. So I moved some small rocks to mark the edge of my property and make it clear it’s not a place to drive upon. The next morning, it’s clear someone has driven right over the rocks, ignoring my simple boundary. I’m really mad now. I find a local guy who has large rocks on his truck and arrange for him to come up to my house. These rocks are heavy and we have to drop them off the truck bed in just the right place because they’re really hard to move. “That’ll do it!” I think with satisfaction. Nope. The next morning one of the large rocks has been pushed aside and my land driven onto once again (must be a big truck).

I’m furious at this point. It takes me 10 minutes to move the rock back into place and I am steaming and wondering what the heck it is I need to do to make it clear I will NOT tolerate them driving here. I go to the hardware store and get No Trespassing and a This Property is Under 24-Hour Surveillance signs, metal posts, and 12 pieces of short rebar. I put up the signs, reinforce the rocks with the metal posts so they are hard to move, and randomly pound in short pieces of rebar along the tire tracks (I mark these with empty wine bottles so it’s clear something is there). It looks ridiculous, but it works. My land, thus defended, is undisturbed.

I was so caught up in this mini-drama while it was going on that it took me a while to realize it’s the perfect metaphor for setting boundaries with a toxic person.

ONE: Small Rocks — marking the boundary in case they didn’t realize what they were doing. For normal people, this usually works just fine. We say something along the lines of “Hey, I don’t like it when you tease me,” and the person says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and they stop. Narcissists, on the other hand, will generally just drive right over our “small rocks.” They simply brush it aside or ignore it, and then continue any behavior that suits them. My first husband had a nasty habit of grabbing me in sensitive areas when I was busy doing other things. It really bothered me but saying “please don’t do that” was like talking to the wall. No impact whatsoever.

TWO: Bringing in the Heavy Rocks — making sure the boundary is crystal clear and distinct. In my experience, when I have taken a firmer stand, narcissists fight back. They like to make the boundary seem like a failing on your part, a lack of generosity, and/or an over-sensitivity. Instead of honoring your request, they’ll use it to insult and devalue you. (See my posts on DARVO and gaslighting.) When I escalated my “don’t grab me” boundary to an unavoidable volume and clarity, my ex immediately snarled that I was uptight, no fun, cold, and frigid. (And notably, he then switched to stealth attacks, which were even worse.)

THREE: Barricades — making it impossible to pass the boundary. Alas, this is often the only strategy that actually works with highly toxic people. They’ll drive right over anything else, so the only way is to make the path impassible. Generally, the best way to do this is to remove ourselves (or them) from the situation. (You can’t grab me if I no longer live with you.) Other methods are to make sure there is a consequence that means something to them such as losing their job, humiliation by calling them out publicly when they do something you have asked them not to, and involving others including higher-ups or even law enforcement if necessary.

None of these ideas are easy or without consequences of their own when dealing with a narcissist. Making it impossible to cross our boundaries is infuriating to them, because we’ve taken away their ability to mess with us, which is a form of “supply” and entertainment. And I would say tread cautiously with an infuriated narcissist. But just like the person who was driving on my land, some people just won’t listen — and so the only answer is to bar the way.

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This post was previously published on butnowiknowyourname.wordpress.com and is republished on Medium.

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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism

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The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

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