When The Pages Are Wrong

We like to think that books hold the truth to our lives.

We crack open their covers and explore their pages for some unknown epiphany we have yet to discover. Sometimes the writing is on the wall. Other times, not so much.

But what happens when the knowledge stored inside these books is the wrong kind?

Dating has always been a hot topic in literature — magazines, novels, plays, essays, and poetry all explore the subject of love. And as with any social behavior, how to properly date comes with advice. A lot of it.

And lately, that advice has ventured into some questionable territory.

“My man treats me so much better after reading X.” “This book helped me get my ex back.” “Read Y, thank me later.”

These are the comments I’ve noticed popping up on online forums surrounding dating and relationships. I had no idea what these books were, but like a recurring billboard on your commute home, seeing them enough times got me curious.

What I found was simple: tips, tricks, and habits for a woman to follow in order to make a man chase you. How to resurrect him after he ghosts you. How to make him utterly obsessed by pulling away.

Ladies — what are we doing?

Why are we reading books for men who won’t even take the time to plan a proper date with you?

These instructions dress themselves up as feminine empowerment, but they’re nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing, its wool stitched from faux confidence and ideologies of settling.

Books don’t change people. They don’t make a man into who you want him to be.

If a man is ghosting you, he doesn’t want you. If he doesn’t treat you well, he doesn’t care about you. There is no need to alter your thinking, reshape your behavior, and reclaim yourself into someone entirely new just to make someone choose you.

You should already be chosen from the start.

For many, the underlying guidance in these books is useful — regulating anxious thoughts and developing secure attachment styles are essential for healthy relationships.

But manufacturing detachment to secure a man who doesn’t want to be with you isn’t healing. It isn’t even detachment. It’s just making him the center of your universe all over again.

Books hold a lot of wisdom, but that doesn’t make them inherently true. There is more to learn outside of their pages — more to experience than the life they suggest living.

Love doesn’t ask you to reshape yourself into a mold made by someone who doesn’t even know you. It just asks you to choose the person who was already choosing you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.