When the Person You Love, Loves Your Friend

Have you ever loved someone, but they chose your friend over you? Did you have to fight to get who you love? Or did you let them go?

I loved someone, but he chose someone I know — a friend that I talk to occasionally. Let’s give this guy a fake name, Ivan. I wanted to learn more about Ivan, and I wanted to see him more often because I like him, but since the lockdown due to COVID19, we didn’t get the chance to see each other.

In a year, we’ve only met twice. Ivan has potential just because he is a Christian, and I loved how respectful he was. I loved the way he calls me “beautiful.” Perhaps, I fell in love with the thought of him. Until one day, one of my friends asked me if I knew Ivan. She sent me his IG profile, and I said, “Yes, I know him.”.

To make the story short, my friend and Ivan were romantically talking, and they seemed to like each other. OUCH!

I couldn’t take how painful it was to see Ivan liking my friend. Perhaps, it would be better if he wants someone that I didn’t know. I told my friend that I like him, but I didn’t have any reasons to keep him around since he likes her. I couldn’t blame either of them because they both didn’t know. My friend didn’t know that I like Ivan and I know Ivan; Ivan didn’t know that she was my friend. It was such an awful feeling — to see someone you love loving your friend.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

How to deal with terrible pain when your loved ones love your friend?

1. You let them go

→ As much as you wanted to fight and prove that you are worthy, it wouldn’t change his feelings. You cannot force someone to love you. I know how hard to accept the truth, the truth that you cannot make someone love you or stay with you. When you wait for someone you love to love you back, it is like asking the wall to move that will never be moved; it is like building a life in someone else’s home that it was never yours to begin. When you love someone that loves someone else, you let them go. There’s nothing that you can do but let them be happy.

2. Listen to sad music

→ You have the right to feel what you have to feel. Allow yourself to engage in sad music. Let the melancholy music consume every part of you because sad music can help you ease the pain. According to a study, listening to music can help you lessen the sadness because you emphasize with the musicians through their music. You’d feel that you are not alone in feeling sad or heartbroken. That might be why sometimes, when we feel discouraged, and someone told us something positive, we wouldn’t be encouraged by a positive mood. When we feel sad, we want someone to feel the same thing: a heartbreak with us.

3. Take your time to heal

→ Take your time to heal the pain. You’re not going to find someone else as a rebound for you to heal. When you heal, you focus on the wound. You focus on healing what hurts you. It may take some time to heal, and accept that your loved one chose your friend over you but take your time to heal the wound. You’re building yourself up from falling.

4. Remind yourself that you are worthy

→ Sometimes we forgot how worthy we were when we got heartbroken. We get insecure, we compare ourselves, and we look down on ourselves. I need you to know that it was not your fault when the person you loved chose your friend over you. You are still worthy even though they didn’t choose you. You are still valuable and loved. I know how hard it is to accept that not everyone will like us and not everyone will choose us, and that should be okay. Remind yourself that you are worthy because you are worth more than the rubies on earth.

5. Don’t cut your friend off

→ You don’t have to cut your friend off because the person you loved chose your friend over you. If your friend didn’t do anything wrong to you, you don’t cut them off. You cannot blame them for falling in love with your friend. When I was in that terrible situation, I decided that I would still talk to my friend. I don’t think it is worth cutting my friend off or fighting with her because Ivan chose her over me.

Sometimes life can unexpectedly surprise you. The terrible things can happen before you know it and before you get prepared for what life has to offer. Some people won’t see your worth, and that is okay. Someone out there is willing to take any risk to make you happy.

When you love someone and chooses someone else, much worse if they chose your friend over you, you let them go. You let them be happy, then you take your time to heal the wounds. It is okay to listen to sad songs; let your emotions come out until you feel much lighter. You don’t have to cut your friend off, especially if your friend didn’t do anything wrong to you. Then, you remind yourself that you are worthy of love.

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Sources:

The Paradox of Music-Evoked Sadness: An Online Survey 

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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