When to Work on It and When to Walk Away

When to Work on It and When to Walk Away from an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

Have you ever found yourself asking: “Am I staying too long?”

If you’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner, this question can haunt you.

There’s love, history between the two of you, and hope. But there’s also loneliness.

And that tension can feel unbearable, I know it did for me.

Because the key to a thriving relationship isn’t perfection, it’s mutual willingness..

The Question Beneath the Question

When someone is emotionally unavailable, there’s usually a reason behind their distance and lack of investment. For unavailable partners it could be due to poor communication, often unresolved trauma, or sometimes it’s addiction, dishonesty (a form of protection due to past experiences), or deep attachment wounds. It is the way this person has adapted to feel safest.

And sometimes…

Their attachment protection and coping strategies that make them unavailable are unwilling to change.

So it’s important to discern both partners, including your, willingness to do the work on the relationship.

Discernment counseling, developed by Dr. Bill Doherty, helps couples clarify one important distinction:

Soft Issues vs. Hard Issues

Both are painful. But they are not the same.

Soft Issues (Often Repairable)

These include:

Poor communication
Emotional disconnection
Repetitive conflict cycles
Escalation or shutdown patterns

These are usually pattern problems.

And patterns can change if both partners are willing.

In emotionally focused couples therapy (EFCT), we slow down conflict to uncover the deeper attachment fears underneath. When couples learn to express primary emotions (fear, hurt, longing) instead of protective reactions (criticism, withdrawal), something shifts.

Research shows that EFCT not only helps partners communicate better, it strengthens the bond between them.

Hard Issues (Often Require Deeper Intervention or Letting Go)

Hard issues include:

Chronic dishonesty
Ongoing addiction without treatment
Abuse
Repeated infidelity without accountability
Chronic emotional unavailability with no effort to change

Here’s the crucial distinction that Dr. Marni Feuerman stated in this interview: If there’s no action, there’s your answer.

Words without behavioral change create false hope, and false hope keeps you stuck because the real work to create deep change and understanding why these behaviors occur, are not happening.

The #1 Sign Your Partner Is Willing to Grow

Signs of willingness include:

Openness instead of defensiveness
Curiosity about your experience
Following through on commitments
Turning toward discomfort instead of avoiding it
Taking accountability

Earned secure attachment doesn’t mean someone stops getting triggered. It means they work to understand why they get triggered so they can respond differently.

They learn how to regulate, reflect, and repair.

They say, “This is hard for me… but you matter.” Often they need couples therapy to do this.

Beware the “One-Person System”

Sometimes an emotionally unavailable partner says:

“I’ll work on it myself.”

They read books, journal about the relationship, they even promise change, but they do it alone.

Stan Tatkin calls this operating as a “one-person system.”

Healthy relationships require a two-person system where growth happens in partnership. Isolation rarely heals relational wounds and blocks relational healing that is often required to build secure relationships. .

When partners work together to understand each other’s wounds and how their actions trigger each other, they work to change the dynamics so both of them can feel safe, often in ways they never have.

When Staying Means Abandoning Yourself

Sometimes the relationship isn’t changing.

Therapy might stall, accountability fades, and effort disappears. As a result, you start shrinking to keep the relationship alive.

If staying requires you to silence your needs, minimize your pain, or repeatedly accept behavior that violates your boundaries.

That’s self-abandonment.

This coping strategy is often learned before you got into this relationship and I would recommend doing individual work on why you learned to adapt to not getting your needs met and how shrinking was needed when you were younger, so you can find new ways to be in relationships without shrinking.

If You Do Leave: Grow

Breakups are painful, but also powerful.

This is often when people finally enter therapy. I know that’s what did it for me. I asked myself:

“Why does this keep happening?”

To prevent repeating patterns, I love the GET SMART framework shared in this episode:

G — Goal Setting

Clarify what you want in a partner. Be specific.

E — Emotion Management

Learn to self-soothe. Regulate loneliness. Sit with grief instead of numbing it.

T — Think Attachment

Understand your attachment strategies. Your attachment system is like Google Maps, it charts your relational paths on how you cope with difficult emotions in relationships..

S — Seek Support

Work with a therapist trained in systems and attachment.

M — Mindfulness

Slow down reactive patterns. Increase awareness.

A — Accountability

What was your role? (Even if it was tolerating behavior for too long.)

R — Resilience

Trust that you can survive heartbreak without rushing into the next relationship.

T — Transformation

Change your behaviors. Because insight without change leads to repetition of the same pattern.

Why Rebound Relationships Often Fail

If you jump from one emotionally unavailable partner to the next, it’s because your nervous system is familiar with that dynamic.

Familiar feels safe, even when it hurts.

Healing requires tolerating unfamiliar safety.

That means:

Taking 3–6 months to truly grieve
Not dating from loneliness
Strengthening your boundaries
Becoming emotionally available yourself

Secure attachment is built from doing this hard work.

The Mirror Matters

A good therapist won’t just validate you, they’ll validate you and challenge you.

Research shows that therapists who only align with one partner’s narrative increase the likelihood of breakup.

Why?

Because growth requires systemic awareness.

Instead of seeing your partner as the problem, team up against the pattern.

Even if you eventually leave, you want clarity about your contribution so you can understand what to do differently in the future.

Otherwise, the same dance shows up with a new face.

So… When Do You Work on It?

Work on it when:

Both partners show willingness
There’s follow-through
Hard issues are being actively treated
You can see small but consistent shifts
Therapy feels balanced

Walk away when:

There is chronic refusal
No accountability
No action
You’re abandoning yourself
The relationship requires you to shrink

Before deciding, slow down because clarity comes from a deeper reflection, not panic to figure this out instantly.

Final Thought

If you’re wrestling with whether to stay or go, I have deep compassion for you.

This is one of the hardest relational crossroads we face.

But remember: You cannot build a relationship with someone who refuses to meet you in the middle.

Secure Love requires two brave people, whether that’s in this relationship or the next.

Transcript

Kyle:
Hello everyone. Today I get to welcome Marni back. We’re going to talk about her book, Ghosted and Breadcrumbed, and a very specific part of the book that I see a lot of clients wrestle with.

If you have a partner who’s emotionally unavailable, when do you work on it, and when do you walk away?

Marni shares so much wisdom in her book about this, and I’m really looking forward to exploring how to discern when there’s growth potential, and when it’s time to step away and find a partnership that can meet you where you are.

One of my favorite quotes from your book is: “You can’t build a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to meet you in the middle.”
Can you share what’s behind that quote?

Dr. Marni:
Yeah. It’s really hard to fix things, get on track, and make a relationship better with a partner who’s unwilling.

I’m all for people making an effort: trying to communicate, educate, and point out the benefits of doing the work. But sometimes we have someone who just digs in their heels. They’re unwilling for one reason or another.

To me, that’s a message that the relationship isn’t important enough for them to do something about it, or their fear is so strong that they can’t overcome it. They can’t move past their own block.

So that quote really speaks to both partners meeting in the middle, entering the journey together (often with professional help) to work on the relationship and improve it.

Kyle:
I love that. And I think what’s so important here is something you’ve talked with me about many times: discernment counseling.

It’s a form of therapy where you’re not exactly “working on the relationship” yet, you’re getting clarity about whether you should work on the relationship.

One key part of that model is understanding soft issues versus hard issues. Can you explain the difference and how it helps people in this decision-making process?

Dr. Marni:
Sure. This comes out of Dr. Bill Doherty’s work on discernment counseling.

First, both soft and hard issues can be extremely painful. When I use the words “soft” and “hard,” I’m not minimizing anyone’s experience.

Soft issues are usually more fixable. They include things like:

Poor communication
Emotional disconnection
Repetitive conflict
Negative relationship patterns

These are things couples can often improve if both people decide to work on them.

Hard issues are more about core differences or serious ongoing problems, such as:

Chronic dishonesty
Addiction
Cheating
Abuse
Ongoing emotional unavailability with no effort to address it
Intimacy blocks where at least one person is unwilling to do the work

Discernment counseling helps couples understand what’s really happening before they decide whether they’re committing to therapy, or going their separate ways.

A professional can help clarify: Are these more soft issues? Are these hard issues? Or is therapy going to be deeply unbalanced?

For example, if one partner is clean and sober and the other has major addiction issues, the therapy won’t be balanced. The person struggling with addiction needs a personal agenda for change and support as they navigate that process.

Kyle:
And honestly, the biggest piece is willingness.

Dr. Marni:
Yes. Willingness.

Kyle:
And you talk about this in your book, like the example of being with the married man, and other relational dynamics where someone says, “I’m going to leave my wife,” or “I’m going to change,” but nothing actually changes.

People waste a long time waiting for something that doesn’t happen.

Or someone says, “I’m going to work on the addiction,” but months go by and there’s no action.

Dr. Marni:
Right. If there’s no action, you have your answer.

That’s code for: “I’m not willing.”

Kyle:
Exactly. One of the best things you’ve said to me, especially when we’re working with clients, is:

No action is the answer.
No response is the answer.

They might say they’re going to do it, but if there’s incongruence between their words and their behavior, you have to focus on the behavior.

Dr. Marni:
Completely. One hundred percent.

Kyle:
So what are the signs a partner is willing to do the work?

Dr. Marni:
You’ll usually notice:

Openness instead of defensiveness
Curiosity about your experience
Interest in their impact on you
Follow-through on what they say they’ll do

Emotional availability isn’t about being perfect. We’re not looking for perfection. It’s about showing up, reflecting, and trying again.

When someone turns toward discomfort, their own discomfort, instead of turning away from it, that’s a sign they’re willing to grow and ready to do work around what’s happening between you.

Kyle:
That’s so important. There’s effort. They’re trying to understand what’s happening for them, and they’re doing it because they see how much it impacts you.

Dr. Marni:
They care about the impact.

Kyle:
Even if it feels awful for them, whatever causes their unavailability, when they see how much it hurts you, something in them says:

“I love this person. They’re hurting. We have to work on this.”

And sometimes that’s enough to get them in the door for couples therapy, so they can understand what gets in the way for them, and what might get in the way for the other partner in building secure attachment.

Dr. Marni:
Absolutely. And even if the door is only cracked open, if there’s enough willingness to say:

“I’ll look at myself. This is scary. I don’t want to do this.”

Most people don’t want to look at this stuff. They don’t want to go to therapy.

But when they’re brave, when they take the risk, they’re showing:

“I’m willing to take a risk for you and for this relationship because it matters.”

Not doing that is also a message:
“It’s not important enough. I’m willing to risk losing you because I won’t work on something that hurts you.”

That’s essentially what they’re saying if they flat-out refuse to try.

Kyle:
Here’s something I’ve seen people get hung up on: their partner says,

“I don’t want to do couples therapy. I’m going to work on it myself. I’ll read the books. I’ll figure it out.”

Dr. Marni:
And that can actually be more dangerous for the relationship.

Kyle:
Yes, because they’re doing it in isolation.

They’re not working in partnership. So it keeps the same pattern going.

Instead of “Let’s work on this together,” it becomes: “I’m going to go off on my own, figure myself out, maybe figure you out too, and then come back.”

But that can go on for 7, 10, 15 years… and generally nothing changes.

Even if they say, “I’m doing this to change us. I love us. I care about us.”

The relationship doesn’t change because they’re still operating in what Stan Tatkin would call a one-person system, instead of a partnership navigating it together.

Dr. Marni:
And yes, some people can accept a relationship like that if it’s their only alternative. But at its core, it often won’t feel satisfying for the partner who longs for mutual engagement.

Kyle:
So if a partner is willing, you talk about earned secure attachment. What does that look like in real time?

Dr. Marni:
For someone who didn’t start out securely attached, they can learn safety and closeness through self-awareness and healing relationships.

In real time, earned security looks like:

They can self-soothe
They communicate needs directly
They stay grounded during conflict

They may still feel triggered, but instead of reacting from fear, they respond with more balance and more trust in the connection.

If both partners have insecure attachment, they often have to learn this together, which is where attachment-based couples therapy, like emotionally focused couples therapy, can be very helpful.

Earned secure attachment means you develop security later in life through relationships, therapy, parenting, friendships… there are multiple pathways.

Kyle:
Yes. And I think the big difference is that you learn to rely less on protective behaviors, like getting angry and critical, or shutting down, and instead speak more from primary emotions: fear, worry, hurt.

Because it’s very different if I say:
“You never care about me. You always do this.”

That invites defensiveness.

But when we speak from primary emotion, it invites care and connection. That’s what EFT is so powerful at helping couples do.

Dr. Marni:
Exactly. It’s being able to shed the protections: things you learned when you were younger because you had to.

Shutting down. Escalating. Avoiding.

Now you’re learning new ways to engage. Couples therapy helps shift the bond and the dynamic so you can become more secure with a romantic partner.

Kyle:
That’s what therapy does. It’s so hard when you’re stuck inside the relationship to see the pattern clearly. Having an outside party helps you zoom out.

This is what we do in EFT every day: we help couples see what’s happening within them, between them, and how to do it differently.

So here’s another big question: if you go the therapy route, or a partner stops after three sessions, when is it time to let go? Do you keep asking to go back? Find a new therapist? What do you do?

Dr. Marni:
These are really hard questions, and it’s very individual to each couple.

But generally, couples therapy can be powerful when both partners have motivation and desire to understand and change the patterns.

If one partner consistently refuses to engage, denies there’s a problem, or won’t take accountability, therapy can’t move forward. It won’t be successful.

Sometimes letting go becomes the healthiest option, especially when staying means abandoning yourself to keep the relationship alive.

And if you’re married, have kids, or have deeper commitments, I strongly recommend pushing pause and getting guidance and clarity before making big decisions. Even when it’s “time to move on,” it’s still a deeply personal choice.

In my book, I created a framework called GET SMART, a practical roadmap for tolerating the pain of a breakup and beginning to heal.

Breakups are often what bring people into therapy, even if they’ve never been in therapy before. This is one of the hardest experiences to go through.

And if someone leaves a relationship, I don’t want them to find a duplicate of that partner later. Otherwise, what was the point of leaving?

So GET SMART helps people heal and grow:

G — Goal: Define what you want in a partner and relationship.
E — Emotion management: Learn to self-soothe and regulate grief, loneliness, sadness.
T — Think attachment: Learn about attachment patterns and connect the dots.
S — Support: Reach out for help: therapists, community, guidance.
M — Mindfulness: Use tools to stay grounded and aware.
A — Accountability: Understand your role and patterns.
R — Resilience: Recognize your strength to get through heartbreak.
T — Transformation: Make real behavioral change so patterns don’t repeat.

The goal is to face the discomfort, build self-awareness, and transform the pain into growth, rather than slipping back into unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Kyle:
This is exactly what we ask in discernment counseling:

“If you left this relationship, what would you carry into the next one?”

Because if you don’t address it, the pattern repeats, just with a new face.

Dr. Marni:
Yes.

Sometimes people leave and only blame their partner. Maybe it was mostly the partner, but you still want to understand your role: what you tolerated, where boundaries weren’t held, what kept you stuck.

Kyle:
If we rebound without doing the work, the pattern repeats.

Dr. Marni:
You’re at high risk for that, very high risk.

Kyle:
And you’ve said this before: taking 3 to 6 months to do the work matters.

If you jump from one relationship into another, you’re often not emotionally available. You’re still grieving. Part of you is still in the past relationship, which makes it hard to fully show up for the new one.

I agree. If we don’t address the patterns, we repeat them and then we walk away.

We’re not looking in the mirror and asking: “What is my part in this?”

And when two partners can do that, when they meet in the middle, that’s what changes everything.

Dr. Marni:
Therapy helps uncover what’s often subconscious: implicit memory, early learning, the deeper “why” behind our reactions, so we can choose a different path.

Kyle:
That’s why I love emotionally focused therapy. We slow down the space between trigger and reaction, so we can understand what’s happening before we get loud or shut down, and choose a different move.

Dr. Marni:
Exactly.

Kyle:
Any last tips for someone trying to decide when to work on it and when to walk away?

Dr. Marni:
First, I have a lot of compassion for people in this situation. It’s really hard.

Have compassion for yourself, and slow down so you can become clearer and more confident about the path forward.

Try to look at this before it’s completely too late, before you’re beyond the point of no return. If something is salvageable, you want to know that too.

And I strongly encourage sorting through this with someone skilled: discernment counseling, a couples therapist, or a clinician with systemic training.

Many therapists can help, but you want someone with special training who understands how parts influence each other and how relationship systems function.

Take your time, so you can be clear about the next step.

Kyle:
I love that. And I want to highlight something you said: if you see a therapist who doesn’t have a systemic understanding, they may unintentionally align with your narrative without zooming out and seeing the dynamic.

That can contribute to more breakups, because they’re not looking at how each partner impacts the system.

Dr. Marni:
Yes. You don’t want someone who only confirms your narrative.

Validation matters, but therapy also involves holding up a mirror. You need a therapist who can hold space for your pain and challenge you when needed, with the right training.

Kyle:
This was so helpful, discerning soft versus hard issues, identifying willingness, and using GET SMART to heal and grow so your next relationship can be secure.

Marni, thank you again. We really appreciate you.

Dr. Marni:
You’re welcome. My pleasure.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q: How do I know if I’m giving up too soon or staying too long?
A: Look for consistent willingness + follow-through. If there’s effort, accountability, and change over time, it’s worth exploring. If there’s chronic refusal and no action, staying often becomes self-abandonment.

Q: What’s the difference between “soft issues” and “hard issues” in relationships?
A: Soft issues are usually repairable patterns (communication, disconnection, conflict cycles). Hard issues are deeper deal-breakers or chronic problems (abuse, untreated addiction, repeated betrayal, ongoing emotional unavailability without effort).

Q: What is discernment counseling, and who is it for?
A: Discernment counseling is a short-term therapy process that helps couples gain clarity about whether to commit to couples therapy or separate, especially when one partner is “leaning out” and the other is “leaning in.”

Q: What are the clearest signs my partner is willing to change?
A: Openness instead of defensiveness, curiosity about your experience, accountability, and behavioral follow-through, not just promises.

Q: Why does “no action is the answer” matter so much?
A: Because words can create hope, but behavior reveals capacity and commitment. If months go by with no movement, the relationship is telling you the truth.

Q: Is it a red flag if my partner says, “I’ll work on it myself” instead of doing couples therapy?
A: It can be. Growth in isolation may keep the same dynamic intact. Real relational change usually requires a two-person system: working on the pattern together, not alone.

Q: What is “earned secure attachment,” and what does it look like in real life?
A: Earned security means developing secure attachment later in life through healing relationships and therapy. In real time, it looks like self-soothing, direct communication, staying grounded in conflict, and repairing after disconnection.

Q: When does trying to “work on it” become self-abandonment?
A: When you repeatedly silence your needs, minimize your pain, accept broken boundaries, or shrink yourself to keep the relationship alive, especially if the other person refuses accountability.

Q: What is the GET SMART framework, and how does it help after a breakup?
A: GET SMART is a roadmap for healing and growth: Goal, Emotion management, Think attachment, Support, Mindfulness, Accountability, Resilience, Transformation, so you don’t repeat the same relational patterns.

Q: How long should I wait after a breakup before dating again?
A: A common guideline is 3–6 months to grieve, stabilize, and reflect, so you’re not dating from loneliness or pain, and you can choose from a more secure, grounded place.

Interview Series: Breaking the Unavailable Partner Pattern with Dr. Marni Feuerman

If this conversation resonated with you, I highly recommend Dr. Marni Feuerman’s book Ghosted and Breadcrumbed. It offers a deeper look at why we get stuck in these patterns, and how to finally break free.

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This post was previously published on Kyle Benson’s blog.

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