When You Know it’s Time to Move On…

According to my therapist, I’ve never learned to grieve, and I have such a backed up stack of un-grieved endings that now anything new that comes along kills me.

I haven’t been writing about this ending because quite frankly I feel like it’s the same story I have written about at every heartbreak on repeat.

January, the month in which I wasn’t.

January flew by whilst my entire body and mind went into a complete shutdown. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I could barely even cry.

If you’ve read me before you know that even my posts didn’t sound like me. I’m sorry, my dear readers, the truth is that the pain of a shattered heart, one that has yet to decide to begin mending, is too loud to be plastered on a white page. It’s too red to turn into a black and white flow of thoughts.

And then I made a decision.

On February 1st I decided to move on from depression.

I had this strong feeling that I owed it to myself to choose happiness.

So picked up the scattered and exhausted pieces of my beautiful, deeply loving heart, and decided to gather them in a soft basket with warm pillows and a fuzzy blankie.

My mind crowded with pain. Was he thinking of me? Was he okay? Did he need me? Does he have someone to hold on to? Was he regretting his decision?

What is it that I actually missed?

Of course I know what I miss. I miss the smell, the eyes, the certainty that I had found my anchor in this chaotic world.

But that anchor was simply floating in waters way too deep for it to hold. It wasn’t even touching the sand. And yes, I need an anchor that can handle deep waters because I don’t tend to hang out at shore.

Boats are meant to sail. Lives are meant to be lived to the fullest.

I need a big anchor, I need a stable partner.

Unfortunately I cannot shrink myself nor move to shore. I am brave, I am strong, I was made for the ocean and I will not back down because this one anchor is not strong enough or because he just isn’t pulling out the deep water anchor and is simply giving me the spare.

Can I not just move to shore? I keep asking myself…

The truth is, I cannot.

I truly cannot.

I cannot be less me. I cannot ask for even less than the bare minimum effort I asked for: my wellbeing, my health, for my heart to feel safe.

So here I am, once again alone.

But am I truly alone?

As I look around, I only feel alone when I remember his existance. The man who said we were engaged, the man who told me he’d never leave me again, the man who told me he loved and missed me 55 times a day. The man who chose me and told me I would be his forever.

The same man who today added 20 new ‘prostituty’ looking girls on his IG this morning.

The man who a month ago loved me.

I cannot make sense of this ending because my heart is not built this way.

I don’t give up on people, especially not when things are getting tough, especially not at a time like Christmas, NYE and birthday combined. Especially not when I know it will be the hardest on the other person. Especially not then.

Especially when they need it most.

You don’t give up on someone you love.

You don’t cancel on two-weeks of plans like this, on a life plan over a 24 min Whatsapp call that follows a week of messaging and radio silence.

You don’t just click un-subscribe to life together.

I wasn’t born with a ‘pride’ part, so I often just let go of anger and feel empathy and compassion instead, thankfully my therapist reminded me that what happened is not okay. That someone who treats you like this should not deserve another chance, even if he asks for it.

Love at the time of socials

We’re all on the same boat, my friends.

We know when the other person is on apps, when they are searching for comfort, for something new. We know the new girls following the on IG.

We know when they’re there.

He is. He is there.

Big breath.

Refocus on self.

Let go of resentment, of fear, of pain.

You’re never alone in your own company.

There is something beautiful, something romantic in mentally shutting off the world and just being with You.

As I remove the thought of this person and re-focus on my own life, I can’t unsee the serenity that sorrounds me.

I’m okay.

In truth I am more than that, and I am ready to kill it. I am ready to build, to write a new chapter which is so much better than the one I was heading into, living in a country I never wanted to be in.

I get to choose what I do.

The end of the Thirties

Every year you become more and more aware of your age. 38.

We’re getting close to an age where soon it becomes difficult to have children. It’s a tough age.

You feel like you need the right partner ASAP. Let’s be honest, it is the best you’ve ever felt in life yet, because of this small detail, it sucks.

It’s time to refrain my mental process.

I asked my family for feedback and they told me I never know what I want, so I tried to imagine it. Let me ask you too: if you had no limitations, no boundaries, no blockages, no fear, what would you want?

This is everything I want

Here’s where my list is at subdivided into areas-

LOVE

A relationship with two committed people who over time deeply love each other
I want to feel fortunate every time I see my partner walk into a room
I want to feel loved, appreciated, spoiled with care, attention, safety, empathy
I want a partner who knows themselves and continues to grow over time, knows when to tap into a therapist, is curious to heal and to keep working on himself alongside me.
Someone who is a great fit physically, tall, who knows how to give a real hug, to hold me with his soul
A hand to hold, through thick and thin
A reliable man, consistent, sincere, loyal
A man who creates a space so safe me to exist in that I can flourish in every way, as a woman, as a professional, as a friend, as a daughter and sister, as a lover, as a wife
A man who believes in marriage, who has been waiting for the right person and knows it’s me, has no doubts, never ever makes me feel like an option or a maybe. He will never contemplate life without me again
A man who is financially well off, with choices, with the ability to take care of me though he knows he never has to he wants to, he chooses to
A man who understands and helps me be the power woman I can be but also who allows me to be little me, protect me from the world, shuts it off when I need to recharge
A man who has aligned values, who lives by them, who has great friends, who is loved by family and friends, who is generous with his time and heart but knows where to draw a healthy boundary
A man
A kind heart, a really good person
Someone who makes me smile, with the sun inside, serene, realist but optimistic because he knows how to take action in situations
A man capable of a deep connection, a real love
A man who will not waste a minute of my time, he knows where I stand and where he stands
I want to feel like a woman, a grown woman
I want to be happy

WORK

I want the financial recognition I deserve for the quality of work that I do and my abilities
I want to feel fulfilled
I want to help people and to ensure they feel taken care of and supported and capable of real lasting change
I want to host a talk show
I want to write
I want to become the best in my field
I want to love every single day
I want to create a life I love
I want to make a lot of money helping so many people in creating a life they love and feeling connected, confident, grounded
I want to help refugees and homeless and people who come from under-priviledged backgrounds thrive, empower them
I want a team, my team
I want to be happy
I want to travel as much or as little as I want
I want to be able to take months off or shut down everything and for the business to keep going so I can regroup and write and just be, ideally in a pace like Tulum
I want to meet the coolest people in the world

HOME

I want health for my family and everyone I know
I want to build a beautiful modern home in the middle of the hills in Italy, a space for relatives to come in retreat, to create-
I want a loft in London, full of windows
I want to work in beautiful places and to have the financial freedom to do it
I want to find the right people in friendship but also in life in general I want to be surrounded by only and exclusively the right people
I want to be healthy, fit, thin, to be able to eat, balanced

MINDSET

I am fortunate. I was born in the right family, with wonderful people around me. I have worked on my self so much, I have empathy, I care about people, I am a good person, I am someone who gives a lots, who is there always for the ones she loves. I have an abundance of opportunities in life, I am smart, prepared, I have the courage to put myself out there whether in life, work or love in a way that allows me to access happiness, wealth and serenity.

I can do anything.

I have the ability to fail and to get myself back up. I am so fortunate in this respect.