When Your Date Is Always Late

Hey Wendy,

I’m in a new relationship that’s easy and harmonious in so many ways. I want to live by the “no one is ever in trouble” relationship model you and your husband share.

Having said that, there is one big difference between us. I’m a person who puts a high value on being on time. I’m also a planner. My calendar is often booked a couple of weeks out, and my life is highly scheduled.

He’s in the more-than-an-hour-late camp, and I’ve experienced that on multiple occasions. I’ve tried to set us up to win by doing things like not counting on him for a ride from the airport or, if I’m at home waiting for him, being honest with myself about the fact that he will likely not arrive until quite late. He identifies as a spontaneous person, and I leave very little room in my life for spontaneity.

We understand these traits we both have, and we don’t want to shame or blame the other person.

I don’t want this to be the source of constant frustration for us. How might we work together and not get bogged down in complaints, disappointment, and frustration over this issue?

Sonja K.

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Hey Sonja,

A person who’s perpetually late has one of two things going on. They either:

a) Care more about their own time than they do your time. They may never say this out loud, but it’s what they’re showing you.

Or…

b) They haven’t mastered time with integrity. They want to be on time, but they aren’t (yet). I get it. I used to be in the late camp – I’m overly optimistic about my speed and ability to arrive at places, which used to render me anywhere from barely making it on time to being five minutes late. It was annoying. It was disrespectful. I fixed it. Because it was the kind thing to do.

Question: How does he relate to time when you are not around?

Does he travel much?

If so, does he always miss his flights?

Or does he somehow manage time when there are consequences for him?

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It’s an interesting data point, isn’t it?

I love that you have taken on “No one’s ever in trouble” (NOEIT) the way my partner and I do in our relationship. It’s an awesome way to live. That said, NOEIT only works when everyone treats each other with respect.

Are you both thinking of each other first?

Dave and I aren’t perfect, but with NOEIT comes a default, unspoken question:

“How will what I do impact my beloved?”

You can’t have NOEIT without a high level of integrity and your attention on the other person; without those two things, it just won’t work (and one of you turns into a doormat).

I don’t think we could live NOEIT if one of us was late all the time. We would both consider that wildly disrespectful. Over an hour? I’m not sure I could stop myself from repeatedly flicking him in the forehead while yelling, “RUDE!”

You’re right; I’m all about not changing people. If they like how they are, I either get behind them or, if I can’t, I leave. Life’s just easier that way.

So beyond asking him to knock it off and be-the-fuck-on-time-already, I see only a couple of options for you:

Stay with him. And grab my DIY Relationship workshop | Happy in Love. Listen to it together.Maybe he wants to embody partnership in a deeper way and just needs tools and direction.
Give him a new title: He can go from “boyfriend” to “occasional date,” and you can schedule things (or be spontaneous) when you have a big block of time to waste waiting around for him to show up.
Be polyamorous and pick a second partner who’s a Virgo or a Cancer — (two planner signs) so you have some balance in your life.
Flip to friends and find someone else who’s more of a match for you.

Whatever you pick, that level of chronic lateness is not workable for the long haul. You will lose respect for him. And when the respect has gone out of a relationship, it’s o-v-e-r.

Good luck!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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