When Your Husband Doesn’t Touch You Anymore

Being in a marriage with no sexual or physical contact was brutal.

I would bask in the warmth of a brief shoulder massage at the nail salon. Or pay ten dollars for ten minutes more. A dollar a minute plus tip. That was the only time I would get touched. But who was I kidding? I needed someone to touch me because they wanted to, not because I paid them to.

Over two decades together felt like an eternity.

It was bad sex, to lousy little sex, to no sex.

I wanted the hugs, the kisses, the looks. For every one hundred attempts to give a kiss or a hug, there are ninety-nine, “What? What are you trying to…?” Why would I want to try when the failure feels like a knife in my chest?

The years dragged by. I kept on searching the internet for commiseration. Why was I undesirable? Maybe I could find an answer.

I did.

In r/deadbedrooms on Reddit.

Each story on r/deadbedrooms was more pathetic than the next until you got the angry “I’m leaving” posts. Okforyou wrote, “Will this destroy me inside and out?” He continued, “Has anyone ever done research on what forced celibacy does to your hormones? I know this is killing my self-esteem. I know I’m being destroyed inside. What will be the result on my body from this resentment, self-loathing, and lack of touch?”

I could answer that, misery. I was depressed for so many years.

I didn’t need statistics to tell me that many married people didn’t have sex. I talked to friends. It was either too much or too little with nothing in between.

The book club ladies complained about “too much.” They were gorgeous and toned. Of course, they were desired. No one would admit “too little” because of the shame of having nothing to put “up” with.

“I wasn’t desirable” was the subtext.

“Eat less, work out,” they shared. “I work so hard for this body.”
“Really?” I answered.
“It’s a constant struggle.”

So my husband might want me if I was skinnier? I doubt it.

They crossed their slender legs while poised with a glass of wine. I felt huge by comparison.

I would never admit not being desired — I was already humiliated enough. I didn’t need their pity.

Neither was satisfied. Sex was rarely equal in relationships. The balance was as slippery as black ice. One false move, and you both came crashing down.

Studies have shown that one of the strongest predictors of long life is positive ships. Stress hormones are bad for every part of your body. In other words, bad relationships could shorten your life. My marriage was stressful and unsatisfying.

I fantasized about fucking. I even imagined cuddling; that was how deprived I felt.

One of the key differences across genders is that male sexuality has a time-escalating endocrine component that leads to an intense desire for sexual release. This becomes a stress the longer that impulse goes unsatisfied. This explains why men think with their dicks.

Guys need to ejaculate. It’s a physical release. Whether by masturbation or sex, the urge to cum overrode all reason.

Female sexuality didn’t have this escalating mechanism. It’s linked to male-typical androgen concentrations and their effect on the libido center in the brain. This was why women could go longer times without sex and be perfectly fine. We didn’t feel the same pent-up desire.

Women could hold off just fine.

Sometimes, I felt like more of a man in this regard. I longed for release.

I caved and told my mother, ”I don’t have any sex with my husband.”
“You don’t need sex,” she replied.

What?

“It’s not that important,” she said.

Maybe I didn’t need sex, but I wanted it. My mom looked at me with a tiny flicker of pity.

“Your father and I had no problems. He couldn’t get enough of me.”

Too much information, but I understood that her sex life was vital when my dad was alive. I could have guessed because of their bond. I dreamt of having a love like theirs. Didn’t happen for me, unfortunately. And her automatic dismissal of my sexual needs was a slap in the face.

She got great sex, yet I didn’t need it.

Years and years of not having sex upped my libido. Menopause and middle-age did nothing to thwart my desire. I kept waiting to dry up and not care any longer about lust, but this hunger was not so easily appeased.

When your husband doesn’t touch you anymore, it is a real problem that is virtually ignored in our society. Women are taught men always want sex; it’s the women who refuse.

In my case, it was the opposite.
I was dying from touch deprivation.

…

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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