When Your Self-Worth Hinges on a Partner

I have to admit. Although I have feelings for the girl I’ve been pursuing, I’m more attached to the idea of a relationship more than her the person. My self-esteem had been unstable since my breakup months ago. I often imagine what it feels like not to be single again.

But we’ve been going slow, which is making me anxious. The less she seems to care, the more I view this as a personal challenge. She means more than a dopamine rush. My pride is on the line.

There are two different feelings. One where I feel sad and abandoned because she isn’t reciprocating the level of affection I’m pouring in. That’s my heart speaking. Then the other where I feel angry and offended because she’s underestimating my value. “Who does she think she is?” My ego talking.

There will always be a mixture of both. So far, though, I’m feeling a bigger urge to win her over. This isn’t only dangerous but also reveals some internal issues underneath.

***

We’ve seen friends transform into a whole new person after entering a relationship. They stop speaking with slight hesitation. Ask them how their day is, and everything is a-okay. They exude vibrant energy, seeming more alive than ever—especially young girls.

Because love is so empowering, we naturally rely on it for our sense of self. I’m not ashamed that my ex used to occupy at least 70% of my life. When she’s away or after we broke up, I realized how useless I’ve become without her by my side.

We believe we’re incomplete without a partner; hence, we actively look for someone to fill that void. The second we break up, we start swiping on dating apps, trying to recollect the piece of ourselves that’s lost. What’s labeled as loneliness is often a sense of worthlessness.

Who we actually date doesn’t matter nearly as much as the validation we can squeeze out of them. But when things don’t work out, we blame them for overlooking us; we blame ourselves for not being good enough. What’s supposed to be heartbreak becomes a self-diagnosis. We think rejection means we have deficiencies.

Even when we succeed, we’re likely to become a pleaser or irrational king/queen to our partners because they’re a huge source of our confidence. This is what happens when we seek assurance over love through another person.

But how do you distinct liking someone for who they are versus liking them for patting our egos? Ask yourself how difficult it would be to replace that person with someone else. Honestly, if the girl I’m chasing is swapped out for another, it probably wouldn’t be the end of the world. As I said, I haven’t fallen for her deep enough. At this point, I see her as more of a comforter. It might change down the road, but I can’t lie about my current feelings.

Acquiring a sense of self entirely separate from a relationship takes work. It requires us to seek our purpose while cultivating a colorful life outside of romance. Fill up your schedule so much that you struggle to find time for dating. Ironically, when you’re too busy to find love, it somehow finds you.

Instead of looking for a landing spot in another person, become that sanctuary yourself first.

—

This post was previously published on Medium.

***