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Marcia Purse writes for About.com Section on BiPolar Disorder. She first met “Electroboy” Andy Behrman when he first sent About.com the article “Electroboy” more than 10 years ago. Through the power of Twitter, we were connected with both Andy and Marcia. As Marcia writes: “Andy’s been through it all, both before and after diagnosis. Uncontrolled mania resulted in his arrest for art forgery. Treatment resistance led him to electroconvulsive therapy. He went through years of experimenting with medications to get the best combination. And he’s gone from male stripper to a volunteer at his children’s school.” Andy’s Essay, Where Does My Mental Illness End and “I” Begin? was originally published on About.com.
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Because of my role as a mental health advocate whose goal has been to motivate and encourage “recovery” to those living with depression and bipolar disorder, I’ve always been hesitant to be entirely honest about my own inner thoughts on the subject. But lately, I’ve been asked quite a bit if there is truly such a thing as recovery from mental illness, or if one just learns to cope with it on a daily basis. And now, after more than 20 years of ping-ponging between the two frightening emotional states of euphoric highs and desperate lows, I’m pretty sure I’ve come up with my answer to this challenging question.
Along with almost 3 million other Americans, I have bipolar disorder. When I’m manic, I’m so awake and alert that my eyelashes fluttering on the pillow sound like thunder and I immediately have to jump out of bed and experience the beauty and glee of the world. I live for these fabulous moments. On the flip side of the coin, I cherish my depression: although it’s dark and frightening, it allows me plenty of time and an incredible perspective in which I can reflect on the darkness and the depth of the abyss of this depression.
So when I’m manic, I can be busy plotting my run for the U.S. Senate or thinking about hopping the next flight to Bali from LAX. And when I’m depressed and in pain, I can find myself questioning the world around me and digging deeper into it. I’ll spend hours lying alone on the floor in my underwear just watching a lone snail crawling on the window pane and thinking about her place as a crustacean in this world (and praying that she doesn’t end up on a plate with garlic and butter sauce).
Many people consider me a “recovered” bipolar patient, but I’ll be the first one to tell you that this part of me is “alive and well” and it never will completely fade. After innumerable trials with medications, electroshock treatments, talk therapy, diet, exercise, nutrition and even spirituality, I’ve been stable, in control and free of major episodes for almost a decade.
At the height of my illness I was virtually homeless, squatting in an apartment in Manhattan and stealing food from the corner grocery store. Today, I have two young daughters. I live in the suburbs in a house with a pool, and my car has toddler seats in the back. But mostly I have my life back, and it’s fair to say that it’s a much more quiet and peaceful one than I had a decade ago.
I never imagined I’d have a life as a parent, let alone one volunteering to serve hot lunches to first graders at my daughter’s school. But I do I feel like I’m a very good example of how treatment, as well as really wanting and working hard to get well, can be successful. That’s what has brought me to where I am today.
Yes, I am certainly one of the lucky ones. But I know that my mental illness is not cured or even under lock-and-key, plotting its next escape. It’s still very much part of the landscape of my life and often seeps out, sometimes when I least expect it. I slip a little and become aware that people around me notice my mania if I’m particularly aggressive, loud or silly. But I have such a better perspective on it now that I can usually rein it in – although sometimes I still act on the impulse. It’s just that the impulses aren’t as dangerous as they were years ago.
The old me constantly focused on the next high, whether it was a $25,000 shopping spree at Barneys, working into the early hours of the morning at an all-male strip club in Times Square, or as an art forger. This extreme behavior has abated, and so have the anxiety, the paranoia and the out-of-control mania. The light is no longer at the end of the tunnel; it surrounds me, even on the days that I am trapped inside the tunnel.
Mental illness cannot be treated separately from the person; they are inextricably linked. Bipolar disorder is not like a physical illness where you can point to an empirical issue and fix it. So I feel I’ve answered the question, “Where does mental illness end and where do I begin?” In my case, we are one. I’ve made friends with the enemy, and the illness is no longer my disability.
My successful and ongoing battle is a matter of understanding my mental illness, realizing when my moods are shifting, and targeting the destructive behaviors through psychiatric, psychological and spiritual professionals. I also rely on a few very close, compassionate friends. My treatment is successful precisely because it takes both me and my bipolar disorder into account and doesn’t delineate between the two of us.
I cope with my mental illness every single day of my life, from the moment I wake up, and I truly believe I now lead a rich life, even with bipolar disorder. For me, recovery is no longer a destination; I am just traveling on a path called recovery.
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Photo by Shutterstock
Great article but you need to replace that picture. It perpetuates the bipolar stereo type. As a manic depressive myself, I try to dispel the “crazy” label and myths.
Awesome article, Andy! So true, even for those of us who have had depression, not BP. Be strong, know yourself and recognize the patterns, and find ways to manage them each and every time they show up, I would say.
Cheers to your honesty! People all over the world need more of these stories of courage!
Wonderful article! Often times people feel they’ll never get better and it’s so important for people to see success stories like Andy’s.
I absolutely love your article. You capture so well not only the experience of bipolar disorder (which I also have and therefore could relate to your descriptions) but the integration of “illness” and “self.” Of course we are all more than our diagnoses; as you eloquently show, we can reclaim our lives, Yet a mental illness such as bipolar disorder doesn’t actually disappear because it’s part of the “I.” I particularly loved what you captured with these lines: “The light is no longer at the end of the tunnel; it surrounds me, even on the days that I am trapped… Read more »
Hello, Andy – Thank you for sharing your story. There are so many afflicted with this horrible neuro-bio-chemical imbalance in the brain.
I invite you to visit the Truehope web site – http://truehope.com. In the past 15 years they have been able to help 90,000 people get off their bipolar medication with the EMPowerplus supplement that heals the neuro-functioning in the brain. 19 independent published studies have been conducted on this supplement.
Autumn Stringam who suffered from severe bipolar like yours wrote a book about her life and the discovery of this supplement: A Promise of Hope. http://afterbipolar.com/