Being a foreign man in China, as Brandon Ferdig found out, is a balancing act between your human and animal sides.
I moved to Zhuhai, China a single man, a 29-year-old with goals and ideals in one hand and a combo of uncertainty mixed with instincts in the other. I was facing 11 months abroad, and for one such instinct—for romance and sex—I wanted to make a conscious effort to handle it right.
This is the testimony of my atonement.
♦◊♦
It’s always challenging to separate our rational minds from our instinctual drives, but I knew that going halfway around the world provided an added dimension (and opportunity) to practice this discernment in my love life. China offered a whole new pool of potential partners set in a backdrop where my ideas about dating would stand out for easy examination.
Approaching my arrival, I wondered how/if I should address dating. I didn’t know whether to “be prepared,” have a plan of action, or just wait and see and go with the flow.
I did know two things: that I wanted to be responsible and that, roughly speaking, there were going to be two sides of Brandon to deal with.
My idea of “responsible” meant only getting involved in relationships that had significant meaning–ones built on common interests and a deep understanding, raising one another to higher levels of being. This was the human side of me—Brandon at his best and healthiest.
But I didn’t think it was reasonable to always be like this or expect this. See, I also acknowledged what I call my animal side, and I saw my use of its more basic satisfactions both as a necessary byproduct of being a man and as a reliance when I’m not at my best. (When the defenses are down, the animal is there to run the show.)
This animal side was alerted even before I arrived. My friend, Mary, who once lived in China, told me that Chinese women take a liking to foreign men. “You’ll have no problem getting laid,” she said. Soon after I arrived, a fellow American teacher offered this gem, said with a cheesy grin, “You ever heard of the ‘times ten’ rule?”
“No,” I said.
“Well, it’s that however hot you were in your home country, you’re ten times that here.” Animal Brandon was smirking; human Brandon was shaking his head and staying responsible.
I’d heard about this infatuation with foreigners in Asia before, so this wasn’t all that surprising to hear. What was a surprise, though, was how different it felt there, how different the culture of sex was.
Soon after arriving, I met several upstanding Western men—men whom you would trust to babysit your kids—who engaged in activities that would be frowned upon in America: namely, having many girlfriends or using prostitutes. I know it sounds bad, but do keep in mind the differences in conditions. Many men aren’t being sneaky about this. Often, their girlfriends know about the others. And the prostitution isn’t about going into dark alleys and picking up a drugged-out girl. It’s semi-respectable looking women approaching a fella at a bus stop in the daytime.
I immediately saw and felt the difference in which men and women approached the dating game in Zhuhai—and the way in which it was tilted toward the “animal” side of men. I also discovered that the morals you establish in life are a recipe made up of ingredients available in your upbringing. Not all ingredients are available everywhere. Not all recipes are the same. So what happens when you leave your kitchen? Things change; what’s right, wrong, or other are altered.
This was all very interesting to note and experience, but, damn it, to me flour is still flour. Some ingredients are always the same, and here’s where I needed to admit some universals: no matter where I travel, there I am, and my recipe for happiness for such a basic fulfillment as sex isn’t altered with the location of the kitchen.
But this created a problem. My ability to be the man I want to be and yet still satisfy my instincts was seemingly at a crossroads.
See, I had serious doubts about ever finding a relationship, as described earlier, in a place where women, for the most part, can’t speak my language or I theirs–not to mention other obvious cultural differences. And the many examples of inter-racial couples, monogamous or not, in my immediacy didn’t dissuade these assumptions. Many were a young man looking “for a good time,” and the woman wowed by this manly Westerner. Relationships of middle-aged couples I knew often appeared based on the man’s wealth. Whatever the situation, I wasn’t seeing the chemistry and relatability between partners that I desired.
But at the same time, I’m no monk. So if, practically speaking, I’m not going to be able to partake in relationships here, what does this mean? Celibacy?
[And before you go ahead and scoff at the alternatives, (ladies, I’m talking to you), just take for granted that a male’s animal side is markedly different than a woman’s. It’s common to hear women speak, with seemingly little sympathy, about the how men should “just learn a little self-control.” Perhaps you’re right, but appreciate the power of this instinct. Eleven months of celibacy can be kind of a big deal.]
So I went in search of a loophole.
♦◊♦
Their names were James and Darnell, an Englishman and an African American from L.A. James waved me over to their table after spotting me watching TV at the bar. We’d met a couple nights prior. These guys were two of the more socially connected fellas in Zhuhai. Thus, I figured they had a good platform from which to speak about the local females.
I asked about the area women’s tendency to engage in the casual encounter. I thought this might be my way to avoid the “monastic” life without partaking in an ill-fit relationship. I assumed, though, that the Chinese weren’t as willing as some Western women might be for this type of activity.
Darnell reacted to this assumption with a nice big laugh, head swung back. They went on to say that women are perfectly willing, just “don’t ever tell them that you like them.” Why? Because they’ll get attached. James recalled a woman who said just hours after they met that she “loved him”.
It became clear, quite quickly (and more so afterward) that women there were quite disinterested in the casual encounter. Most want commitment. Meanwhile, these guys are busy introducing local women to the manliness of sex for sex’s sake.
Then Darnell asked me, “Are you a heart-breaker?”
“I don’t want to be,” I said.
“Well, you’re going to be,” he retorted.
This wasn’t what I was hoping for. After that night I was pretty convinced that I wasn’t going to be able to have my cake and eat it too. Then a couple nights later, as if to remove all doubt, a female friend offered a statement on an online chat that solidified my ideas about how women differ from men and how that difference is going to challenge my ability to appease the animal in me.
But it also opened my eyes and my heart to the consequences of my actions, infusing humanity into my desire. She wrote:
Every woman’s deep, healthy, all-persuasive instinct is to open and share her body ONLY with the one man she is close to, trusts, knows well, and loves–and knows she is loved by.
I thought of all those guys in relationships (in Zhuhai and elsewhere) who are in it for the sex, with no intentions on committing, and their women who are on a different page. I thought about my sex history and how I’d run against the hopes of women fulfilling this “deep, healthy, all-persuasive instinct” every time I engaged without this consideration. I realized that a man, no matter what he tells himself and no matter what his sex drive says, cannot harmlessly sleep around.
So that’s it, I thought. Sounded like an open and shut case. I don’t want to be a heartbreaker; responsible sexual activity will mean partnering with women for whom you truly care, and sex will be a statement of commitment. If I can’t make a commitment, then hands off.
Wouldn’t it be nice if this is how we’d end this piece?
But it’s not.
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—Photo fomu/Flickr
So basically youre saying its ok to treat chinese women as disposable commodities because theyre desperate? Thanks for reaffirming your superiority.
lmfao!!!!!!!! western women in china? why should “i” the “unwanted man from the west” want “you” “the wanted woman from the west” when over in chi9na=NO MAN WANTS ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU, BUT ALL THE WOMEN FLOCK OVER ME????!?!?! why should i “lower” my standards to go to you, when in the west, you wouldn’t DREAM of lowering your standards for me?!?!?! thats what i LOVED about china even more than geting laid any time i ever wanted!= the fact that IT WAS YOUR TURN TO BE THE LOOSER WHO CAN’T “JUST GET LAID” so suck on it, and… Read more »
thank you for this article! finally a male voice that seems to “get it”. as we evolve we are meant to bring our animal selves into alignment with our human/cognitive selves…so our desires come into service of what is best for us as a whole human beings, as well as what is best for society. thank you for giving me hope that men are, in fact, evolving alongside women. forming partnerships of equals is the only way we will solve many of the world’s current issues.
On the other hand, if you see sex as a transcendental experience (often it must be kept secret, though,) it can unite our animal and human/cognitive sides.
Asian women are extremely feminine & the ones i have known were
stone gorgeous.I have found thai,japanese,korean,chinese & filipina to
be the most alluring
Using Ayn Rand quotes to define your masculinity is the academic equivalent to getting advice on being a man from Cosmopolitan magazine. You are asking an apple what it’s like to be an orange. Easy on the generalizations. They are condescending at best. The behavior you describe is just as common back home as it is here. There is a reason the West is enjoying the highest divorce rates in human history. Lay off thinking about the times ten rule. It is a fallacy. The majority of girls you may meet who will fawn over you and adore you are… Read more »
Hey Xi’an Man,
If you continue to provide more of these “intellectual reasoning” of yours, then I suggest you write a whole thesis about Foreign men Chinese women relationships and submit that to a leading university for publication. That way every intricacy of these so-called relationships can be addressed and acknowledged. This is just a BLOG, obviously Brandon the author wrote this based on his general observations, which unfortunately to your disliking, portray the mass majority of foreign men as sleazy ones.
Digrarch
It’s fine to ponder all of this academically, but why not leave it until you’ve at least tried to have a relationship before laying down your judgement on other people based on the testimony of a few laowai barflies? You can learn Chinese, lots of Chinese women can speak English, and there are many women around who have much more liberal ideas about relationships than you imagine – so long as you are up-front and open about your intentions. And what’s wrong with entering into a serious relationship with one of them? What are you scared of? Maybe you don’t… Read more »
Yeah I hate her too…. so smart, so dumb wich one is IT?
As a female who spent two years living in China, I want to bring up a point that I see as important in this discussion. Chinese culture is very different from what we are used to as Westerners, and relationships and marriage in China are very affected by their culture. First of all, unmarried women after a certain age carry a large stigma. (So spending time with an unmarried Chinese girl could be delaying her eventual marriage to a nice Chinese boy) Also, the families of these Chinese women will often judge them very harshly for taking up with Western… Read more »
Wow – racism against Chinese men. Another White Woman reality unmasked.
wow… sucks for you, hairy, big boned white woman… the silky, slender, chinese woman trumps you by a mile
You are a bloody fool talking about white women like that. You probably are one of those losers who could never get a woman at home and feel like a king when a chinese prostitute sleeps with you for money!
@Digrarch – You’ve clear never been with a Chinese Girl in your life!! I like Chinese Girls, many are my best friends and trust me when I say this……Chinese Girls are by far hairier than any western women I’ve ever met and I’m not just talking about the bush area. I do yoga with these girls and when they lift their arms up in the air I can’t see their armpit, not to mention their carpet legs!! Big boned, I go to University with foreigners and Ive lived in Shandong for 2 years, I’ve met 1 big boned women, she… Read more »
“This is the testimony of my atonement.” Yes, it does sound like a one. The author seems to be saying, “”I am so sorry I have hurt you. I take full responsibility. I did this and I regret it. I have remorse. I was being selfish and flighty. I was insensitive.” He then expresses some desire to make amends and discusses what he is going to do inside his heart, soul, life, mind, and habits to make sure it doesn’t happen again. This apology seems painfully personal and sincere. I guess suffering can produce good results. “The path to solid,… Read more »
Sometimes, I get the feeling a man can’t open his mouth (or touch his keyboard) without making a faux pax of some sort.
Eventually you get over it, and just barrel on through life, enjoying pissing folks off, because they’re going to be pissed off anyways.
Don’t know what that has to do with the article, but I’m saying it anyways… It seems to be a valid comment everywhere I go and every day in life.
Cheerio folks!
Brandon, your article amazed me, specially when you quote Ayn Rand. My girlfriend also liked it. We both could relate with this quote due to personal experiences. I chose her because she is “the woman he admires the strongest.” . I admire her for being smart, and also also, because she is not materialistic. In the society I live, materialism is rampant among women. She is a reflection of my own personal values. You really hit the nail with your post. I have been trough something similar, not having sex with my partner for 6 months [long distance relationship]. I… Read more »
Thank you Brandon, for the interesting article and the opportunity for me to reflect (and collect) my own thoughts on sexuality, commitment and maturity. I traveled the world, alone at 16, and lost my virginity in the orient, not by a rapture of love and intimacy but without any moral struggle… to a prostitute. She stayed with me for weeks and never “charged me” but I knew how she survived. There was always an air of emotional isolation between us. I’ve both regretted how this rite of passage occurred as well as fantasized of the unemotional simplicity of the sex.… Read more »
Perhaps,asian women should stop deluding themselves into thinking that white guys are even interested in them.The shameless things ive seen many here in the states do to try to “land a white dude” is quite priceless.Oh @btw most white men are with and marry white women……..just so ya know:)
ciao
Crystal! Sorry but your point is just ignorant and baseless. It seems like you’re just perpetuating another stereotype based on bias perceptions. Being Asian myself and being around many Asian women peers, I find that most desire deep relationships with good men and don’t really care about race. They might be open to dating outside their racial background, and none are delusional to think that white or black guys put them up on any pedestal. Certainly none will do anything ridiculous and stupid to grab any guy’s attention because they have healthy self esteem. Yes, statistically most white guys do… Read more »
How many Asian people do you know?
Hmmm, I’ve been debating on commenting on this one and thank you Dirk for your comment as one of the few that really hits the mark. As a Chinese woman I find your assumptions about yours (the writer’s) and all Western men’s so called attractiveness in China ludicrous. How you can walk around with that swollen gourd of a cranium I cannot even fathom. In any number of countries in any part of the world, you’ll find women who feel they must use their beauty as currency and I hate to tell ya, it has little to do with your… Read more »
Interesting perspective…
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/04/fashion/modern-love-the-trophy-wife.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&ref=modernlove
Beautiful article- thank you for sharing GirlGlad. For Asian-Americans it can be very murky water dating and marrying non-Asians. You think that America is this giant melting pot of open minded, evolved, egalitarians but clearly you can see even from these posts that it still has a long way to go. I’d like to say that we as a people (humans) and as a nation need to be very careful with our stereotypes. People are people and they do rotten things to each other wherever we are. We can also be kind, compassionate, gentle and understanding. Find and raise the… Read more »
Hi Maia, I hesitate to wade into this topic but I want to add that I am constantly dismayed by the sexist, racist attitudes of some white men towards Asian women and the way those same men constantly trash white women. Asian women are beautiful, exotic, submissive, family-oriented and non-materialistic compared to fat, ugly, selfish, materialistic and overly independent white American women. You can see a little of that attitude in the comment from “sensitivity” below who says “In the society I live, materialism is rampant among women.” I presume he means his girlfriend is from Asia (although he doesn’t… Read more »
Well,i will continue to ball as many asian women as i deem fit.No laws broken,no one hurt and alot of fun to be had.Hit a gym,slim down and maybe,just maybe ill throw ya a bone (r) someday.
So go have some Swiss with that whine
-zak
Wow, thanks for proving my point, Zak! Ur awesome
Women like you try to the use race/sexism crap as a copout for your own insecurities.Your egos cannot handle the fact that a white guy chose an asian woman over your asses.Get used to it,alot of guys have wised up to jealous entitled women like yourself who have a princess mentality and think the entire world revolves around them.This topic probably turns you on and you are freaking out-that’d be my guess otherwise you wouldn’t respond.
l…now go jill off
Boo..hoo.. im Jill and im a whiner feminist-type who cannot handle it all
puke
Hello Jill, I’m not a white man. I am latin american, I live in latin america, and my girlfriend is also latin american. I’m sorry for not mentioning it. I was not comparing american white women, nor asian, nor european, nor african women. Materialism is a problem that both men and women have. I was just mentioning latin women’s materialism, because I was refering to the “mating pool” [biological term] I have been exposed in my society. Materialism is also rampant among latin men, but, I just omitted to comment that: my intention was not being sexist. I also never… Read more »
Hi sensitivity, sorry I misinterpreted your post. It reminded me of a lot of comments I have seen from white American men complaining about the reasons why they won’t date white American women, so that’s the conclusion I jumped to. My apologies.
Maia,all crystal did was imply that most white men are
not into asian women (which is true) and you call her
names and imply the grand wizard should arrive now ????
Perhaps YOU should get over YOURSELF sweetie 🙂
I really like this article. It’s illuminating to be able to follow your thought processes, priorities, and considerations, and how you arrived at your moral answer. In a sense, I see your answer as honoring what Freud called the three parts of the psyche: the id, or animal self; the ego, or our deepest values; and the superego, which mediates between these two important halves of who we are. A woman, like a man, can want sex for the same animal reasons that make eleven months of celibacy daunting to you. I suspect you are right, that it is not… Read more »
In Korea in the sixties, the only way for an Army enlisted man to have sex was to visit, a prostitute. Most other Korean women would not date a GI. I partook for a short while, but then it seemed too shallow, so I stopped. Later, I got a long-term girlfriend, and this seemed more normal, although she was a prostitute too. She wrote me after I left, and I her, but I never did go back. The overall practice seemed okay at the time, but I might not engage in it knowing what I know now if I were… Read more »
slightly off topic but alot of fellow asian women i know want to either experience a white man and many i do know are not shy in stating that they want to have a white man’s child and many set it as a goal because they feel also that the child will be very beautiful/handsome.
I feel like there are several issues the male population at large needs to be educated on. WOMEN HAVE AN “ANIMAL” SIDE AS WELL. Maybe it is hidden a little better because of a woman’s “place” in history, embarrassment by women, or just better control. Women may feel the need to hide it because of fears of labels or not being understood…but also there is just a lack of understanding that yes, woman are sexually complex (just as men). Now onto the biggest issue: prostitution in a foreign country. I have been researching sex trafficking in South Asia and it… Read more »
Regarding a female’s “animal side” I agree. That’s why I mentioned it, albeit briefly, at the end.
As far as human trafficking goes, the topic didn’t come up when I was there. I studied the issue in college, though, and will say that from men’s experiences shared with me and the prostitutes’ appearances, their lifestyles didn’t appear coerced. But certainly, appearances can be deceiving.
I got all the way to the end of this piece and realized I just spent five minutes reading about a guy who took a trip and DIDN’T get laid. Not because he was married and not because he had a girlfriend, but because…well, I’m still not really sure why. I get that you’re merely speaking for yourself and at no point did you tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t do. I understand. My issue is that you based your decision not to have sex (at least in part) on this quote from your feminist friend: Every woman’s deep,… Read more »
The point isn’t that the quote is correct or incorrect; it’s that it opened my mind and heart to perspectives of women and helped me grow.
Brandon, good job. I am forwarding this to a male friend of mine who needs to hear this. I think what your friend posted about women is the truth and I think men want that too. People are too afraid to go deeply inside THEMSELVES to see this. They try to keep their relationships on the surface so they can avoid real intimacy. The people who want one night stands need to be truly honest and look at the emptiness they really must feel after having one. It seems impossible that someone could feel anything other than empty. Thank-you for… Read more »
Jesus, enough with the epiphanies already. How old are you? 29? Have you been kept in a box until now? Lots of women are only looking for a serious relationship. This is news? Nobody told you this before?
To Dirk, Nan, Kirsten and others who don’t agree with my ideas, I want to say that this article is in no way intended to be Truth. I’m not speaking for anyone but myself; I’m simply sharing my experience, thoughts, and feelings. Yours would undoubtedly be different. These are just mine. There’s nothing right or wrong about it. But I found the insight I had an inspiring moment for me, helping me realize how to be a better me and so share it with the hopes that others also may appreciate this testimony. Second, I appreciate your challenges. Just as… Read more »
I’m not saying you’re speaking for anyone but yourself. I’m saying that your female friend was speaking for other people than herself- that is, every woman. And not surprisingly, in her attempt to do that, she’s wrong.
wow… I love this article.. thanks for your perspective and your honesty with yourself.. what an amazing insight.. thanks again!!!!
This is a mess. You don’t have the foggiest idea what’s really driving your newfound ‘attractiveness’ — the popular perception that foreigners are financially well-off (this is why men who date multiple Chinese girls have no problem with prostitution). You never seem to consider having a healthy, non-sexual relationship with a Chinese woman that builds towards emotional and physical intimacy — you’re a brutal combination of entitled (you even pop out an ‘animal’ double so you can maintain a victimized role — animal Brandon must be appeased!) and totally passive (you’re going to have to be ‘sparked’ by some girl,… Read more »
Wow. I feel like this article could have been written by my ex, who spent a couple of years teaching in China before we met. I went into it with an open mind, but I was really put off by the generalisations about “all men” and “all women”. While there are definitely cultural assumptions and pressures, both in China and in the West, about what all men and all women (should) want, the idea that my needs and desires are just like those of every other white women raised in the same culture is actually pretty offensive. I feel like… Read more »
I found this paragraph especially problematic: “Soon after arriving, I met several upstanding Western men—men whom you would trust to babysit your kids—who engaged in activities that would be frowned upon in America: namely, having many girlfriends or using prostitutes. I know it sounds bad, but do keep in mind the differences in conditions. Many men aren’t being sneaky about this. Often, their girlfriends know about the others. And the prostitution isn’t about going into dark alleys and picking up a drugged-out girl. It’s semi-respectable looking women approaching a fella at a bus stop in the daytime.” Um, I (a… Read more »
And to top it off, using Rand in that way suggests you think of yourself as an Atlas, an Ubermensch — better, that is, than those Chinese girls you keep talking about. In looking for someone “the result and sum of your fundamental convictions”, you’re looking for someone who’ll abide by what you already believe. Definitely not someone with whom you can grow and learn.
Nan, lets remember that this is his personal story, his personal conflict between his logical side and his animal side. you know with multiple partners. If he says it is bad, remember that it is bad for him, not for you or your friends. It is like esquimos, they let the female baby girls die in the cold because they don’t need them in order to survive. You can call this evil, but for them, it is called survival. This Brandon can say it is bad if he wants to, and is up to you to accept it or reject… Read more »
Brandon great piece. I too have struggled mightily with my animal side. I have been addicted to booze but in reality sex as well. The two combined got me in real trouble in my life and my soul. After I was remarried the second time to the woman of my dreams and still found myself struggling not with bad behavior (I have never cheated in almost ten years of marriage) but just wasteful obsessions, a good friend who is wise in these matters gave me a great piece of advice. “Don’t turn your head,” he said. That meant when I… Read more »
I appreciate your mind.
I’m truly inspired by you, Brandon. Thank you for not purchasing, objectifying or duping a woman even though it was easy to do so, and for not adding more pain to our world over these disconnects. In the field of sex addiction, making the choice you did is often referred to as “feeding the right wolf”, which acknowledges, as you did, the dual sides of our natures and the constancy of having to choose wisely between them. Now, I just wish we could clone you….because I have about a hundred girlfriends who would love to meet a man like you,… Read more »