Who Do I Think I Am?

In the 2023 NBA Playoffs, when the Los Angeles Lakers played the Memphis Grizzlies, Grizzlies Forward Dillon Brooks said of Lakers Forward Lebron James, “I don’t care. He’s old. I poke bears…” The 38-year-old Lebron James was in his 20th year in the NBA. In those two decades, he’s won four NBA Championships and multiple MVPs. He’s the All-Time Scoring Leader, among other accolades. Lebron and Michael Jordan are two of the Greatest NBA Players of All-Time.

Like everyone else, Dillon can freely express himself. Yet, will people remember Dillion five years from now? Ten years from now? The world will remember Lebron James 100 years from now. Just saying. That begs the question: Who do you think you are? I, too, ask myself: Who do I think I am? My answer must have mad love and respect for others and for me. Just saying.

In Actor and Director Ben Affleck’s Air (2023), Nike’s Sonny Vicarro, played by Matt Damon, enrolls future NBA GOAT (Greatest of All-Time) Michael Jordan to sign with Nike. Sonny asks, “Who are you, Michael?”

Sonny says, “Everyone at this table will be forgotten as soon as our time is up. Except for you. You will be remembered forever. Because some things are eternal. You’re Michael Jordan. And your story is going to make us want to fly.”

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I’ll never be Michael Jordan. I’ll never be Lebron James. I’ll never be the GOAT of anything, but I continually work on being the greatest I can be: I work on the greater-than version of myself. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I only have a say about what goes on inside me.

My zero, my starting point, began as the frightened little boy terrified of Dad. I wasn’t the son that he wanted. No, I would never be good enough for Dad. I would never be good enough for anyone, including me. Consequently, I spent much of my adult life proving that I was strong enough. That I was smart enough. That I was good enough to be loved. Yet, being more of anything would never be enough. That’s just the human design. That’s just life.

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For 25 years, I trained with the late Mizukami Sensei in Aikido before he passed away. Sensei became a father to me. He taught me Aikido, what it is to be a good man, to make a difference, and to be of service to others. Sensei generated the space to be me and invent the greater-than versions of myself. He said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” For the first time in my life, I was free. Free to be me.

I work with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. I learned to love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I practice that over, and over, and over again. Just train.

Mizukami Sensei taught both Ishibashi Sensei and me. Now, Ishibashi Sensei is my Sensei. Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” He said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.”

In Aikido, the 250-pound man comes to punch me. I wait it out. I enter the attack and die with honor. I take a glancing blow if I have to. It’s one time. In the center of the attack, I choose who I am and what I do. I apply the Aikido technique to myself, whether that’s yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of the attacker’s head) or kotegaeshi (wristlock). I choose to let the attacker pass or end the attack. The 250-pound man chooses to take the fall or stand down. We both choose. I could win or lose. The attacker could win or lose. What happens, happens.

In the center of the attack, in what I fear, I let go of my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although that fear inside may never completely disappear, every time I enter what I fear I let go more of my fear inside me. When I invent the greater-than version of myself, I free myself. I’ll never be the GOAT. Still, I’m the greatest person that I can be. I train to become the greater man. I do my best to make a difference for others and help them invent their greater-than versions of themselves. In the bigger picture, I want to leave the world a little better place than when I came into it. At least that’s my hope.

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I’m grateful for all those who have contributed to me like my late mom, the late Mizukami Sensei, Ishibashi Sensei, Lance Miller, John King, John Inamine, and Marc Carithers. Who I am is because of them. Nothing but profound mad love and respect for them.

No, I’ll never be the GOAT. Still, I’ve been touched by the greatness and unconditional love of others. I’ll soon be forgotten after my time is up. I’m good with that. I won’t define my legacy. Those I’ve been able to make a difference for in some way or another shall define my legacy for me. I hope for the most part that they’re kind. Perhaps, they might say that I was not all about me, that I was about them. That would be nice.

I’m proud of my life and I still have more to do. That’s who I am. Just saying.