I started to write this a few times and put it aside since it is a subject I wish I didn’t need to address. That’s why I am offering a TRIGGER WARNING.
I have been in the counseling profession since the late 1970s and one thing that stood out for me in my undergrad program majoring in Psychology and minoring in Women’s Studies is that rape is not first and foremost about sex. It is the vehicle and delivery system. What starts the engine is power. What fuels the engine and keeps it running, is misogyny and toxic masculinity. What amazes me is that every human being is born of a woman. Many were raised in single mom and SAHM homes. I muse about the mechanics that created and contributes to the mindset that leads to violence against woman. As a therapist, I do understand anger and a desire to strike back to defend or protect another person or yourself. What I can’t grasp is a compulsion to intentionally initiate violence.
The National Sexual Violence Resource Center says that 1 in 5 women in the U.S. have experienced attempted or completed rape in their lifetime and nearly 25% of men have experienced a form of sexual violence themselves. They define sexual violence as “any sexual act where consent is not obtained or freely given.” Not coerced, not taken, not overpowered, not manipulated, not as a matter of status or position in the other person’s life. A sexual assailant is not only a stranger lurking in a dark alley. They can be a friend, family member, relationship partner, teacher, boss, clergy person, neighbor. Although the majority of sexual assailants are men, it is not limited to gender. Although any form of unwanted and unagreed to sexual touch is harmful, it is more of a betrayal if the victim and perpetrator is a relationship where trust should be inherent.
Let’s take a look at the concept of consent. Consent is a whole hearted, full throated, mindful YES to what is being asked. I watched a cool video this week in which a teacher was modeling consent behavior for his students. He was standing in front of the classroom with a female teacher. He asked if he could hug her and she gave a lukewarm yes but seemed distinctly uncomfortable. He asked the male students if that was a yes. They all said it wasn’t. He spoke about the importance of reading body language and only a real yes meant yes. These little men were in the presence of greatness with their teachers. Hoping that it is reinforced at home.
One of my favorite videos is called Tea and Consent. It is a simple tutorial on the nature of consent.
Now, here’s the problem. I would bet a million dollars (if I had it) that none of the people I am going to refer to, have seen these videos.
A CNN report unveiled an online r*pe academy that revealed that millions of men (the number seems to vary) logged on to learn how to drug, rape and record their assaults of their wives and partners for the delight of the men who viewed them. It echoes a case in France in which the husband of Gisèle Pelicot who was drugged and r*ped by her husband Dominque and 49 men who paid him to assault her. The courage it took for her to face her assailants and see them charged is to be applauded. It goes beyond a court of law. These men (likely similar demographically to those who logged on to the r*pe academy) are professionals, husbands, fathers, grandfathers, students, doctors, teachers, coaches, lawyers, politicians, clergy, blue collar workers. People you would see in your daily interactions. The darkness of their minds and hearts is astonishing.
I posted this on my Facebook page. “I’m interested in hearing from male friends (among the best on the planet) in the wake of the CNN report about the online r*pe academy, how men can call out their friends, co-workers or random dudes in public about misogynistic statements and attitudes and certainly, behaviors. Those are the seeds from which r*pe culture grows and thrives. I’m writing an article for The Good Men Project about this.”
The answers were heartening. Some came from male friends, some female, some non-binary.
*”Men, collectively, have allowed this fuckery to happen by not being stronger voices in small groups, as a start Incels, date rape academies, promoting this cave man he-dog bullshit . . . allowing pastors and youth leaders etc. etc. etc. to get off with community service for raping young children, over and over and over this is a social failure and a failing society will, ultimately, have a serious wake-up call (think Germany, 1945 as an easy example) and will be faced with dealing with past failures and trying to create something better, but when men are debating the math and not the intent of a raging sea of dudes creating a circle jerk “support network” because no one likes them and, as a result — because, well Hell “they’re MEN”. they’re looking for “guides” as to how to work out their self-esteem issues without “getting caught, then serious #consequences need to happen to help BREAK this cycle as to “not all men” . . . it’s kind of on all of us, dawg. we collectively let this fuckery pot roast sit on the oven all these years and well, here we are women have every reason not to trust men and boo hooing this kind of “misses the point” there is no fixing this until, collectively, we fix ourselves.”
A female friend shared her story about the reality that women need to speak up as well.
