Why Being Flexible On Dating Apps Could Change Your Life

I’m going to contradict myself a bit here and say two things about online dating:

1. Setting filters that meet your dating needs and protect your emotional boundaries is a good practice.
2. Don’t limit yourself to a narrow perspective of what your ideal match is.

I don’t want to say this, I really don’t. But if you want to be with your perfect match that checks every box, get a sex robot. They’re great. You can name them, make their face how you want, dress them how you want, give them the perfect backstory, religion and values. They’ll be from wherever you want, never do anything that’s unpredictable or upsets you, and they are extremely reliable to be on time when and where you need them. With the advances in realistic look, touch and feel, you might even get some warm cuddles on a cold night where they won’t say anything stupid to ruin it.

A silly example, sure, but you get my point. Consider this situation a dear friend relayed to me about her co-worker and see if you can spot the problem:

“Not over 6’…” — swipe

“Don’t like that tank top…” — swipe

“Too artsy…” — swipe

“Weird teeth, hm…” — swipe

“Not from the midwest, not ideal…” — swipe

“Doesn’t list education level, probably dumb…” — swipe

“Doesn’t drink, annoying…” — swipe

“Two years younger than me, nope…” — swipe

“Lists ‘casual’ as something he’s looking for, ew…” — swipe

Holy cow. I can respect some filters, but damn. Big judgments on lots of small things will make for a sad online dating experience. This particular woman — a smart, attractive, successful, former sorority girl now in her late twenties was never finding anyone to her liking. She said she knew exactly what she was looking for and didn’t want to budge. I heard that, my chin dropped, both of my eyebrows raised and I immediately felt sorry for her. She’s missing out. She’s missing out on so much. In fact, the whole reason this story came up was that this dear friend was reflecting on her marriage and admitted that she and her husband would have never chosen each other on an app if they had judged each other on superficial details so harshly. Many long term and married couples can probably relate to that statement.

I know couples that have different religious beliefs and they are successfully raising kids together. I know couples that have different political opinions and are able to have civil discourse about it. I know hetero couples where the man is shorter than the woman and feel sexy as hell together physically. I know couples where there is a significant age gap (including the woman being significantly older than a man) and navigate their generational difference with humor and class. I know couples that are from very different cultural backgrounds and didn’t speak the same language growing up and delightfully indulge in learning and participating in their partner’s culture. Where would these gorgeous couples be if they had set their filters to their most strict comfort level and refused to look at the whole person?

There is certainly validity to having some loose filters that generally get us looking at dating pools where we’re going to have more in common. I think it’s fair to know where your hard boundaries are and I don’t encourage people to waste their time giving every opposite person a chance just in case there’s some magic in the air. Everyone can agree on that. I’m a tall woman at 5’10” and if I don’t set a height filter, the majority of my matches are shorter than me and that’s not necessarily fair if I tend to prefer someone my height or taller. However, I’ve dated men shorter than me a few times because the height difference is just one small piece of what I was looking for and they were amazing people. I learned even that filter was negotiable for me.

My own dating life has been such a teacher for me in understanding my true needs and wants in partners. When I first went online, I approached it as a challenge, which sounds a bit icky perhaps, but it was unknowingly such a gift. I had to go on at least ten dates before I stopped to take a break. I did that and it rocked my world. I wasn’t necessarily searching for my Mr.-Right-Prince-Charming-Husband-of-my-Dreams — I was there to understand what online dating was about, to see what doing it was like. It was a very different head space for dating and this served me well. I realized quickly that I didn’t actually know everything about what I wanted. I learned through meeting the people (in real life) after I found a small connection online. I learned that I actually like to be challenged on my filters and don’t mind when the person I’m seeing is different from me, if they respect (or even love) the difference. I learned that things that seem intelligent on a screen mean almost nothing to me in person. I learned I love some responsible nerd aspect in there because, turns out, I’m more of a responsible nerd myself than I realized, and yes, I will go to that improv Shakespeare show, thank you. I learned that embracing people from a different background and exploring difference was actually… exciting. Adventurous. Erotic. Fun. I literally can’t contain my joy when a date calls me by a foreign cutesy nickname. Blush. Giggle. Heart. Melts.

This is where I will once again beg you to use online dating as a fun, fast way to find a spark and then meet in person. That is where you will grow. That is where you truly practice dating and see your own damn faults. Oh, you didn’t like his teeth in that picture? Well guess what, he doesn’t like that all your photos were from five years ago. Whoops! It’s also where you get a better sense of how behaviors on apps don’t translate to real life a lot of the time and you’ll get better at spotting authenticity and profiles that are probably more up your alley. Funny thing about checking boxes is that you really won’t know if the boxes are checked until you spend time in-person and you might even find that the in-person dates create a few more filters for you. I definitely learned that I don’t enjoy people who want to entertain me but can’t laugh at my jokes (I know they’re not always humdingers, but c’mon. Humor me.) I will not be able to know that from looking at a profile online. It’s truly something that takes a little time. I promise you, if you stick with it, online dating apps can be used as (one of many) tools to meet new people and go on good dates.

At this point, having been on over a hundred dates in my life, I cannot fathom trying to stick to some sort of “perfect” list of attributes before I even just meet someone. I have a few filters that I know I can’t budge on (distance turned out to be a big one for me), but I leave the rest flexible and make my decisions in person. It’s a good practice to take a look at your filter settings and really ask yourself why it’s a sticking point. You might even find there are some heavy influences of privilege, bigotry or family obligation that represent fears you might want to address with yourself. If you limit your matches to certain races or ethnicities, why? If you have a thing about a level of attractiveness or fitness, why? I’m not here to judge you on those, but I have found that asking those questions of myself was a very good teacher.

Here’s the golden nugget of this tale — what you ideally want in a person when you’re lollygagging around, staring at a screen, and dreaming up your perfect match that checks every box is not what’s going to happen… and that’s a good thing. People are complicated, messy, imperfect beings but the beauty is, we can also be flexible and surprising. We can grow, adapt, acquire new perspectives and learn from each other. We find attraction where we didn’t know it existed. And in person, we operate on more than facts — we also have chemistry and nuance in our personalities that is impossible to define on a screen with words. Having a thousand deal breakers, some of which are a tad bit conclusion-jumping, will eliminate people that you might actually be into in real life. So, take a look at those profile settings again, think outside the box, challenge your idea of “perfect”, get flexible… and get dating.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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