Why Calm Communication is the Key to Winning the Argument

In relationships, our emotions can often get the best of us. Especially when trying to communicate with someone we care about deeply. Sometimes arguments arise over really important issues, like having children, how he treats his mother, or where he wants to buy a house and start a life. Or sometimes they arise over the dumbest ish ever, like how many donuts he’s eaten, or who texted at 3 a.m., or how you rolled your eyes at his last comment.

Regardless of how important the topic is, you always have the choice to either escalate or de-escalate the situation. Obviously, to avoid an argument, the best option is always to de-escalate. But try to tell me that when he just said some shit that made my blood boil.

Communication Quiz

Now before you start stabbing anyone, hear me out. Just answer a couple of True or False questions for me please:

T or F: When you are angry or upset, you sometimes get carried away, or say things you wouldn’t normally say, and feel bad about it later.

T or F: When you are losing your shit, people don’t always know how to respond and might react a certain way due to their own discomfort.

T or F: Arguments often end in a truce, rather than a compromise, simply because you don’t want to continue fighting, and not because you found a solution.

T or F: If you are not angry or upset, it is easier to process information and respond with a clear and logical reaction.

T or F: Being able to process emotions to think calmly and rationally could help improve relationships not only with partners but also with family members, coworkers, clients, and friends.

Did you get 5 Trues? Well if you didn’t, you should have, cause those are some FACTS.

Arguing is just not a productive mode of communicating. It gets you nowhere. It raises your heart rate and blood pressure, stresses you out, and gives you anxiety. I know sometimes it seems like arguments are unavoidable, but I’m here to tell you that’s NOT TRUE. It can totally be avoided if you just learn to calm TF down.

Control your emotions to change how you communicate

Okay, not always easy, but totally doable. Let me tell you how. Whenever you are so angry or upset that you feel like you’re about to go off, you need to immediately make a 180-degree shift with your body and mind. Your mind needs to focus on making your body stay calm.

Take slow, deep breaths. Close your eyes and imagine something that makes you smile. Regain control of your heart rate, your body temperature, and your stability. Root your feet to the ground and feel connected to the Earth and the plants and animals that give you life, the home that gives you shelter, and the people that give you love.

Okay, pretty dramatic, I know. But ya know what’s more dramatic? You screaming mother fucker and a bunch of other insults until he’s doing the same and now you’re both hurting each other more, even though all you really want to do is explain how you feel.

So why don’t you try my hippie approach and see how it goes. Just see if it’s easier to think straight when you’re breathing deeply and pausing to be grateful for your life and the universe, rather than reveling in the depth of his stupidity. Try to consider what he is thinking and feeling to better understand the disagreement.

Then, only when you are ready, think about what you would like to say that will best get your point across. Speak slowly, and only once you are calm. If that is not right this second, then wait. Do something that will help you get calm, like yoga or meditation, and come back to the discussion when you are ready to communicate clearly. Encourage him to do the same.

Just close your eyes and picture this: Imagine getting so worked up and angry that you want to scream or smack him or cry, but instead you say, “I need some time to myself to gather my thoughts, and I’ll respond to that when I’m ready.” And then you calmly walk out and go do some yoga in the park. Can you picture the look on his face of total shock and awe?

Self-awareness allows for self-mastery

Can you imagine how you would feel? I can. It’s a powerful feeling when you realize the level of control that humans have over our own emotions. Our society incites so many negative emotions day in and day out, but it rarely teaches us how to cope with them; not simply how to hide them and “behave” but instead, how to comprehend and manage them to prevent them from derailing our day and altering the course of our lives and our futures.

The only way to gain a high level of control over our emotions is to know exactly what they are. We need to have a deep connection to what we are feeling and why. To be clear, the goal of controlling our emotions is not so that we stop feeling them. I’m recommending that we find ways to think deeply about our emotions to understand ourselves better and separate emotions from logic. In this way, we can appreciate our emotions but realize that there is a time and a place for them. We decide when we are ready to feel them fully in order to cope and then move forward.

In The Spirituality of Imperfection, authors Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham explain it well when they said:

“Only through vigilance aimed at seeing ourselves truly can we move toward the goal of being no longer at the mercy of inappropriate reactions — a state of harmony wherein passions, while accepted as a useful part of being human, do not sway us inappropriately, confusing and distorting our thinking, leading inevitably to actions that ultimately harm ourselves.”

Like every new skill in life, controlling our emotions takes practice. I keep this quote in my notes, so I can read it back often. Being in touch with our emotions takes effort and might happen one moment and not the next. It might work with some people and not with others, or in some places, but not at home.

But little by little it is a skill that you can learn, which could drastically improve the way you react, communicate, and compromise with everyone around you. Because when you are able to think clearly, communicate calmly, and express exactly what you feel and need, it’s a whole lot easier to win the argument and get your way! Isn’t that ultimately what you wanted in the first place?

If you enjoyed this excerpt, you can find my book and many more dating tips at HowNOTtoDate.passion.io You can also read more of my dating stories here on Medium. If you’re not already a member, you can sign up using my link below, which helps support my writing! Thanks and happy dating!

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Previously Published on medium

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