Why Do All My Relationships End the Exact Same Way?

Hey Doc,

I haven’t had many dating experiences, but the ones I have had have left me pretty confused.

My first relationship was your classic “early-years” situation. It was intense, messy, full of inexperience on both sides, and it ended suddenly and pretty harshly. The breakup was a catalyst for significant life changes, including starting therapy.

A couple of years later, I met someone and we drifted into this kind of early-summer relationship. I don’t remember every detail, but it was relatively healthy overall, aside from her dealing with bouts of anxiety. One moment that always stuck with me happened when we were sitting together talking, and out of nowhere she said “You do know your ex really loved you, right?” I never understand what she meant by that. The relationship ended when her anxiety made her unsure about continuing, so I walked away.

After that, I dated a few women very casually, but those connections never lasted long. Some just faded out, one situation escalated to the point where I had to involve the police, and another put my life at risk.

Following all of that, I unintentionally took a few years to myself. At some point, I met someone and we gradually developed feelings for each other. She told me she felt deeply safe with me and that the connection felt different to her, but things never took off romantically. When it became clear she wasn’t actually looking to date, more looking for emotional reassurance, I cut contact, and did so again when she reached out months later.

Since then, I’ve gone on to date three more women. One told me she “wasn’t ready” and then started seeing someone else almost immediately. Another seemed warm at the start, but when we travelled together her behaviour shifted dramatically and became very narcissistic and manipulative. The most recent “liked” me “a lot”, but still ended things.

So now I’m noticing a pattern. On the rare occasions I get close to someone, the beginning usually goes well. We see each other a few times, gradually spend more time together, share a strong physical connection, and open up emotionally. Consistently, I’m told I’m the best partner they’ve had, both sexually and in terms of kindness, maturity, and safety. Then they start distancing themselves, or they say something feels “off,” or that they’re “not ready,” or I see behaviour that’s a clear red flag, or they end up betraying the relationship altogether. Then a few weeks later they’re dating someone else and everything seems to fall into place for them, while I’m left on my own again for long stretches.

I could chalk this up to early experiences in youth and assume I gravitate toward emotionally unavailable people. Honestly, part of why I’m asking this now is because I recently logged into an old social account and stumbled on a message from someone I briefly dated in my early twenties, which was a relationship that meant next to nothing. She said she came across an old picture and realised how much she’d actually liked me back then, but insecurity made her act differently. She sent this over ten years after we’d dated. I didn’t reply.

Blaming childhood trauma feels too easy. I’m trying to figure out whether there’s something in my approach to dating that’s pushing people away. After all, I’m the one they move on from, very quickly, and they seem happier for it. I want to take responsibility for whatever part I’m playing, but I’m struggling to see exactly what that is.

The last thing I should mention is that none of these situations started with me directly asking someone out. Usually, we’d just spend time together until things naturally developed. The only dates I’ve been on were with those women. I’ve never actively pursued anyone. I’m told I’m a catch, and lately I do feel like more women are noticing me (and my platonic friendships with women have always been strong), but unless someone makes their interest obvious, I don’t want to make the first move.

Four Times Is A Pattern

One of the things I tell people who seem to be having issues in their love life is to journal about who they’ve been dating and why, how those relationships progress and the way they ended. The point is to try to spot any patterns of behavior or outcome and see whether there is any overlap – in when these patterns start, in the type of person you’re dating, anything that seems to be happening with a frequency that’s greater than random happenstance.

It’s not that often that I hear from someone who has a pattern that seems this consistent across the board. And honestly, considering how you’ve been noting all of these recurring behaviors, I’m surprised you haven’t put things together yourself.

One of the things that I say often is that you are the common denominator in all your relationships; after all, these are your relationships, not ones that happen to other people. That doesn’t mean that your relationship struggles are always your fault; it just means that you’re a constant in the equation, not the constant. That’s why it can be important to examine your behavior, your actions and choices, and how they may be affecting your relationships. Being mindful of these can give you insight into what’s going on and why. Many times, the issues are external to you; bad luck exists, after all. But sometimes, the problem is something you are doing. And sometimes it’s something you’re not doing.

It doesn’t exactly take The Amazing Kreskin to figure out what’s happening here. I think it’s contained entirely in this sentence: “[…]unless someone makes their interest obvious, I don’t want to make the first move.”

There are two things that are strikingly consistent in your relationships. The first is that you’re extremely passive in dating – as you say, you don’t make the first move unless there’s no chance of rejection. The second is that you’re consistently dating women with high levels of anxiety, anxious attachment or other emotional issues. I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to suggest that the two are connected.

I mean, look at how your relationships progress: you hang out with people until “things naturally develop”, everything seems to be going well at first – complete with women saying “you’re the best partner they’ve had” – and then it detonates, messily and all over the place. Either they dip out – often, but not always moving to another partner shortly afterwards – or the relationship takes a turn for the toxic. On the occasions you hear from them again, it’s usually to mention how they didn’t appreciate what they had when they were with you.

These are almost textbook examples of people who are dealing with issues that are getting in the way of finding a healthy and productive relationship. Someone with an avoidant attachment style or who’s used to partners who’ve treated them badly often have trouble with relaxing into emotional intimacy or being able to trust. Many of them can be uncomfortable with a relationship that’s going “well”; it feels like something is wrong or that they’re sitting under the Sword of Damocles. It’s hard for them to accept being treated with respect or care because of how often they’ve been hurt or mistreated. Others have a hard time being able to be vulnerable or open simply because they’ve been taught that this is a form of weakness or vulnerability. As a result, they end up hitting the relationships self-destruct button by pushing their partner away or they have an anxiety spike that causes them to hit the eject button.

Not surprisingly, some of them will then go on to relationships that fit negative or neglectful patterns that they are more familiar with. They don’t prefer that treatment, but there’s a comfort in the familiar and the known, even when what’s familiar is mistreatment. Others will repeat the pattern they just completed with you – dating another person who seems to be The Best Boyfriend They Ever Had, before they eject once again.

The same goes with the toxic partners you’ve had. Some of these might be people struggling with conditions like borderline personality disorder, while others may have abusive tendencies or a desire to control their partner. All of them seek out partners with weak boundaries, who they can manage to one degree or another.

If you’re dating the same kind of person over and over again, that suggests that you’re either seeking these people out or not waving them off when they find you. I also wouldn’t be surprised if some of these women are in good overall working condition, but are frustrated by you and eventually bounce… in no small part because of your own patterns of behavior – or, more accurately, your lack of behavior.

That’s where your desire to not make a move comes into play. You, like a lot of men who struggle with dating, are trying to avoid the pain and stress of rejection… or even the possibility of rejection. This means that you’re being a passive figure in your own relationships – you aren’t seeking out potential partners and assessing whether they’d be a good match for you. You have consistently allowed these relationships to “just happen”. You don’t say it in your letter, but I’d be willing to bet that the women you date end up making the first move the lion’s share of the time.

This means that you’re selecting – sometimes inadvertently, via inaction – people who aren’t good matches for you. The women with anxiety may feel a little more comfortable making a move because of your passivity, while the toxic ones see this as a sign that you’re not likely to have strong boundaries. And the women who are a little more comfortable with making a move and being the more assertive partner get frustrated if they have to take the initiative with everything.

To be clear: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with someone else deciding to take the initiative. Nor do I feel that you – or men – need to be the dominant or leading partner in a relationship. But the problem here is that you have given up agency and discernment; you aren’t trying to decide if someone is a compatible match, if they are in a good place to date, or if they’re someone who is actively toxic. And I wouldn’t be surprised if that lack of agency also shows up in either not being an active partner or being more reactive – not advocating for yourself, not taking decisive action or otherwise letting the other person set the tone and agenda for everything. This has a tendency to frustrate women who want a more equitable relationship while also being very attractive to people who are looking for a partner they can manipulate.

The answer here is pretty obvious: you’re going to have to get over your passivity and be willing to start making actual moves. While I understand that you’re afraid of rejection, the fact of the matter is that avoidance – and looking for “obvious interest” is a form of avoidance – just makes things worse. The more you avoid the thing that you’re afraid of, the stronger that fear gets, and the avoidance simply grows. You go from avoiding the thing you’re afraid of to avoiding circumstances that might lead you to encountering the thing you’re afraid of, to avoiding anything that isn’t absolutely “safe”.

And as much as I hate to say it, the only way to get over this is to put yourself out there and get rejected. You’re going to have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable, open yourself up to the possibility of being turned down and make the first move. If you’re going to practice martial arts, you’re going to have to be comfortable with getting hit. If you’re going to ski, you have to be comfortable with the possibility of wiping out and getting injured. You can minimize or mitigate the risk or potential damage, but you can’t eliminate it entirely; accepting that risk is part of the price of participation. So it is with love. It sucks, but love is a full contact sport. You can affect the degree to which you might get hurt, but you can’t eliminate it entirely; it’s the nature of the beast. If you want to date, you have to accept the risk to get the reward.

And, to be perfectly blunt, your attempts at avoiding rejection have not only not worked, they’ve really only served to make things worse. Can you honestly say that someone saying “no” to a date is going to be worse than, oh, “one situation escalated to the point where I had to involve the police, and another put my life at risk” ?

I would suggest that no, it’s not.

I’m always saying that if you want things to be different, then you have to do things differently. That’s especially true in this case. If you want to break this pattern in your relationships, you have to break it where it starts. And in this case, it starts with you.

It’s clear that the way you’ve been going about things hasn’t been working for you. You need to ask yourself how many more failed or toxic relationships you’re willing to endure before something changes. One? Five? Ten? Are you that committed to hoping that Random Number Jesus will finally smile on you and bless you with a relationship that doesn’t implode like a billionaire’s submarine?

You’re going to have to make a point of actually putting your hand on the tiller and directing the ship yourself. You are going to have to play an active role in seeking out people you’d want to date, to vet and qualify them and decide whether they’re someone you think would be a good partner for you. This means that you’re going to get rejected, yes. Many of those will hurt, because rejection is never fun. But your fear of rejection has lead you to situations where the pain of rejection is worse than it needs to be and the relationships you have had have still lead to pain, rejection and more.

Until you do, you’re going to find yourself consistently at the mercy of fate, hoping against hope that maybe this time the pattern isn’t going to repeat and you’ll have a relationship that actually meets your needs and doesn’t turn malignant.

Good luck.

***

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I need to vent about the complete grind that is dating through apps. As a guy of average looks and good personality, I feel like I’m stuck in a never-ending cycle of swiping with nothing to show for it. have to swipe right on at least 100 profiles to get even one match if I’m lucky. Even when I do get a match, the conversation usually dies out before it goes anywhere. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve exchanged messages for a few days, only to be completely ghosted.

When I do finally manage to get a date, it’s honestly a shock. But even that doesn’t last, because out of every 5 or 6 dates I go on, 3 or 4 of them ghost me afterward. The math just doesn’t math, and the whole thing feels like I’m putting in way more effort than I get back. I’m getting tired of wasting my time.

What gets under my skin the most is how unbalanced this whole situation is. Women don’t have the same problems. They don’t have to deal with hundreds of swipes just to get one match, and I’m not even talking about how many matches lead to real dates. They get to be picky, filter through their options, and still have plenty of men vying for their attention. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m constantly fighting for scraps. I’m not trying to complain, but it’s hard not to feel like I’m being treated as second-tier from the start.

I don’t want to get bitter, but this imbalance is honestly starting to wear me down. How do I break free from this frustrating cycle? Are there strategies I can use to improve my odds, or should I just accept that dating apps are built this way and move on? It’s hard to stay optimistic when the numbers are so stacked against me, and I’m tired of putting in so much effort for so little in return.

Frustrated and trying not to burn out,

Tired of Swiping

My guy, if you think you’re tired of swiping, imagine how tired I am of answering the same question and the same rote recitation of “facts” that aren’t even facts.

Now, I’m firmly on the record that dating apps have taken a turn for the worse, and there’s a lot about how they’re set up that is antithetical to their supposed purpose. They’re Candy Crush now; designed to frustrate you so that you’ll pay to be less frustrated. The swipe mechanic that everyone stole from Tinder disincentivizes doing more than the bare minimum in your profile, gives advantages to people who know how to look good in photos and the never-ending stream of one profile popping up after another can create the impression of so much variety that you hit the paradox of choice.

But there’s how enshittification hit the dating apps, and there’s the bullshit that comes from the users, especially the ones who keep sharing Just So stories about how the other side lives.

The amount of proctonumerology that goes on – when folks aren’t citing that stupid OKCupid “study” – is tiresome to the extreme. Leaving aside that women do, in fact, have to swipe repeatedly to get matches and how most matches don’t lead to dates, most of the time, people don’t even stop to consider what those numbers even mean.

Let’s leave aside the fact that there are many, many women who also struggle to get matches on dating apps and who swipe right on guys only to get ignored, ghosted, or the lowest of low-effort. Let’s, for the sake of argument, accept the idea that women ­– all women – open up a dating app expecting to find a buffet of men vying for dates like an episode of Singled Out playing out on Hinge.

Let’s talk about what you don’t realize that you’re actually saying.

You talk about how women get all the attention and “don’t have to” swipe to get dates and how this benefits them. You also talk about swiping right on “hundreds” of profiles in order to get a match. Tell me something – just between you, me and everyone who reads this column – are you honestly going to tell me that you are truly and sincerely attracted and interested to every single one of the women you’re swiping right on? Are you truly hoping that each of those women might be interested and you would feel #blessed to go on a date with any or all of them? That each of those hundreds might be The One?

I rather doubt it. In fact, I suspect that you, like a lot of dudes, go on tilt and start trying to get matches because of how it pricks your ego.

Funny thing about dating in general and dating apps in particular: attention isn’t the same thing as interest, nor is attention inherently a good thing. You yourself have said that you’re swiping on hundreds of profiles a day, a rate that defies the possibility that these are all considered choices, people you are actively interested in. It’s pretty clear that the “attention” you’re giving isn’t interest or even attention; it’s a shotgun approach of throwing a cloud of lead in the air and hoping it hits something. There’s no care, no individual interest, just you trying to up the odds of getting matches.

You say that you feel like you’re fighting for scraps? Based on what you’ve said about how you swipe, have you not realized that you’re the one who’s throwing scraps to the hundreds of profiles you’re swiping right on?

Do you think women are somehow unaware that the overwhelming wave of incoming swipes are from dudes who barely even glanced at their profile before swiping right, if they looked at all? That the majority of the “attention” they’re getting registers as anything other than a dude saying “you’ll do”?

Do you honestly think they appreciate that? Do you think that they feel validated and rewarded by guys ­who, like you, are signaling that they don’t actually care about them as an individual and are just trying to get some sort of payout from the slot machine?

Do you think this is a benefit? A perk of being a woman on the dating apps? That they would see this as signs of being a hot commodity on the dating market?

Or, can you understand that those thousands of swipes that women supposedly get, all that “attention” that “allows” them to be choosy, to “filter through” and “be picky” are, in fact, thousands of indicators that a guy couldn’t be bothered to think beyond “gotta get my numbers up?” Do you think that doesn’t feel like they’re the ones getting scraps at best?

Does it not register that this much unfocused, uninterested “attention” is like trying to dig for a sandwich out of a dumpster? This isn’t even about trying to find a prince in a sea of frogs, so much as just a better class of amphibian is going; can you understand how that’s going to be exhausting? Can you have enough empathy to grasp how it’s going to feel when they filter out all the bullshit matches, to hold out the hope that this guy, finally, could be the last person they ever have to swipe on… only to find out that he was never actually interested in her in the first place? That his scrap of attention was really his just trying to goose metrics that don’t even register anywhere but in his head? What it feels like when someone you are trying to match with in good faith can’t be bothered to put in even enough effort to say more than “hey” or “WYD?” and immediately angling to fuck?

Maybe you should consider that the lack of care you give to meeting people on dating apps is being replicated thousands of times and leading to the very app fatigue that causes people to drop off the apps entirely.

But hey… attention! So much attention! So many people saying “you are, at best, a warm body that I feel no motivation to put effort into treating as a person.” How does anyone not feel special because of that?

Congratulations. You’re contributing to the very problem you claim to abhor. Attention isn’t inherently a good thing, and certainly not when that attention isn’t even meaningful. It’s shockingly egotistical to think that “I glanced over at you and said ‘enh, good enough’” is in any way, shape or form a compliment.

You want to feel less frustrated by the dating apps? Cool… delete the apps. Go out into the world, talk to women you’re actually interested in and try to build a connection with them. You might actually get some dates out of it too, since you’ll have to put more effort in than just a repetitive thumbing motion.

Sure, it’s not as ‘efficient’ as swiping right on women like they’re on a conveyer belt… but hey, at least you’ll be getting bespoke rejections instead of silence. And you might actually make a connection with someone because they’re someone special, instead of a consolation prize or the least objectionable option.

If you want love, you’re going to have to go and actually find it. That’s far less likely to happen when you’re behaving like a Boca Raton retiree sitting in an Atlantic City casino, swearing that this slot machine’s gotta pay out eventually.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.