Why Do They Almost Choose Me?

I want someone to be sure of me. Clarity is the sexiest trait that anyone can have. Abs, biceps and intelligence sure but as long as I do not need to convince them of my worth.

I’m not one to crave romantic relationships extensively — i.e I’ve never based my entire existence on the presence or absence of one. I’ve always prided on being content with myself and believed that when the time was right, I would have my My Darcy moment. But offlate, it clinging on that flimsy thread of hope seems futile. I’ve never been one to chase after people — I was pretty content with who I was or with what I had — my job, books, my coffee obsession and my friends. I was more than satisfied.

But alas off late, I’ve never been able to decipher why people just almost choose me.

I can’t help but question — is something really wrong with me? Otherwise why would everyone just try to run away. The worst part is, I never even chased or asked them to come into my life in the first place. They come, they impact, they leave, I feel.

This has happened so many times in my life that I can’t help but wonder if something is indeed inherently wrong with me. Do I drive people away? It feels like I have this one-sided invisible wall around me that I can’t and only others can see and I foolishly wonder why anyone doesn’t surmount the walls that I have unkowngly built around me (read The Aches I Nourish — a poem I had written about the same).

The pain of being almost chosen hurts the most because you have concocted a version of reality in your head that was almost within your reach but just slipped away. You are trying to hold on to dangling flimsy strands of the person that got away. We all want to be chosen by someone, deep down we need that validation because it fills us with a sense of fabricated fulfillment. How sad yet true it is that we need someone to choose us, in order to feel good about ourselves — in order to believe our true worth.

I once read somewhere that not everyone is capable of holding what you have to offer and that when someone cannot see your worth, it was just not the right person. It is not to say that everyone should accept us or see our so-called worth but just that we should not base our self-worth on someone else’s conviction or judgement.

Read the below 2 lines carefully

They might be what you want but not what you need.

and,

You might be what they need but not what they want.

You can have an amazing idea of who you think should be your person, and even when deep down you know that someone isn’t right for you, you try hard to convince yourself that this is indeed what you need, or rather what you deserve. By all means — Do not sell yourself short.

On the contrary, you may almost be the best thing that can happen to someone — but as long as they don’t believe it or rather feel it, there is nothing much you can do about it rather than respectfully stepping away.

I do not know if I will ever have my moment or person — I sometimes feel that I at least want to go back to the way I was, unbeknownst of what I was capable of feeling. I do not want to know how hard or deeply I can feel, when I feel that there is not even the slightest glimmer of hope that it’ll someday come back to me.

But I am just not going to stick around, waiting for someone to complete me. I am my own person, with my own likes/dislikes, wishes, interests and dreams and I am not going to put my life on hold waiting for that one perfect moment or phase in my life.

PS: Its ironic that only a few months ago — I had written about The Art of Missing Out on Love. I guess I should re-read my own article and so should you 🙂

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This post was previously published on medium.com.