When I was trying to have healthier relationships, I made myself accountable. For years, I had been silent about the state of my marriage as it eroded. I didn’t want anyone to know. It would take years to even admit it to my closest friend. So, when I got divorced, I began holding myself accountable — not just to myself but to my friends. If I was going to change my outcomes, I had to learn to speak up and be honest about what was happening in my life.
When I entered a relationship for the first time after my divorce, I stayed accountable. The first time he spoke to me in a way that made me uncomfortable, I called a friend and told her. I didn’t hesitate. I immediately reported my discomfort. I didn’t want to wait and brush it off. I didn’t want to pretend it didn’t matter. It felt significant, and I needed someone else to know.
Over the next few months, the emotional abuse escalated. I was trying to figure out how to break off the relationship, but as I worked through my feelings, I kept being honest with my friend about what was happening. I didn’t try to hide the dissolution of my relationship. I reached out and reported every single thing that was raising red flags. Finally, I was able to leave.
The Importance of an Accountability Buddy
Having an accountability friend is important even when we’re in healthy relationships. They remind us of who we are and what we want. They keep us focused on our boundaries and goals. They help us stand in our truth and advocate for our needs. They encourage us to build stronger, healthier relationships by becoming stronger, healthier people.
I’ve had the same accountability partner for a long time. If this was a recovery program, she’d be my relationship sponsor. She listens when I say that something doesn’t feel right, and she never dismisses my concerns. She doesn’t judge my journey because she’s been there. She knows what it is to love and to lose — and to sometimes do both simultaneously.
I’ll never go back to being silent and pretending my relationship is better than it is. That might seem like an easy declaration since I’m single, but the reality is that I’m no longer okay with being the one to suffer in silence. I don’t want to feel isolated because I can’t admit what’s happening out loud — not even to myself. I have a friendship rooted in history, mutual respect, honesty, and -yes- accountability. I can speak up because she is there to believe me.
When meeting new people, I can be honest about my experiences. I can talk about the factors that give me pause and the ones that feel like a full-stop red flag. She’ll remind me to trust my gut. She’ll call me out if it seems like I’m being avoidant. She’ll listen without judgment no matter what I choose to do.
An accountability friend is invaluable. This is particularly true for those of us who are working toward building secure, healthy relationships. To break our cycles, we must be willing to shine a light on our own patterns and to admit when something we’re seeing doesn’t align with what we’re looking for.
These days, I trust my gut. I know it won’t steer me wrong. But I also recognize that it helps to have another person to hold me accountable. It’s been an essential part of my relationship recovery process. I know that I don’t have to do this alone. I can lean on my support system and trust that my commitment to authenticity will keep me in alignment with my goals.
How to Choose an Accountability Friend
I’m fortunate to have many friends in my life who could be seen as an accountability friend. But one friend in particular has stood out over the years. She’s unfailingly honest with me. She doesn’t just tell me what I’m hoping to hear. She knows about my history and what I want for the future. She’s kind but firm, and she never gives me grief for how I’m feeling.
A good accountability partner isn’t judgmental.
They don’t give unsolicited advice. Instead, they listen, and they support us in our choices even when they vocally disagree with them.
A good accountability friend has a growth mindset.
They know how important it is to change our patterns, and they are an enthusiastic cheerleader as we learn to become cycle breakers. They don’t judge our worst moments, but they are there to support us as we learn from them.
A valuable accountability person is also making changes.
They are equally accountable. The exchange is never one-sided. They help us be a better person as they work to become better, too.
Romance and Accountability
My friend has been with me through it all. Through the falling and the ghosting, through love bombing and emotional abuse, through loving and losing. She’s never faltered.
She’s talked me through dating prospects and relationship grief, and I’ve never once felt like my lack of a loving relationship made me any less worthy or deserving of it. She’s made sure I know that I am loved even when other loves have fallen apart.
I know I can make healthy choices, and I’m confident that I won’t repeat many of my old patterns. I’ve come too far and built far too strong of a support system to go back now.
I’m lucky. I know that. I’m fortunate that I have people in my life who will be my relationship recovery sponsors, if that’s what I need. Who will be my cycle breaking buddies, if that’s what it takes to get better. Who will love me regardless of what other relationships come into my life and go again. Who hold me accountable for loving myself better than I ever have before.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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