Why Honesty With an Avoidant Won’t Help Your Relationship

Those with patterns of avoidant tendencies often shy away from three primary things:

Intimacy (Emotional, physical, sexual connection)
Vulnerability (Being open, transparent, honest)
Commitment (Exclusive relationship, ‘being all-in,’ marriage)

Generally, for avoidants in relationships, there’s some kind of fear associated with these three expectations.

A) Dismissive Avoidants (DA)

In my never-ending quest to explain attachment theory as easily as possible, I’ve noticed that dating a dismissive avoidant is like a calm, scenic drive with someone who prefers to sit there in silence.

It’s nice for a little bit but gets awkward and boring.

So, if the conversation gets deeper or there’s a need that requires a little bit of their participation, depending on the level of their insecurity (attachment), they’re likely to exit stage left.

When things get too real, they’ll bounce, even if it’s a long-term relationship.

They’ll say, “I need space,” after you say you’ve missed them after not seeing each other for three weeks.

But what they really mean is, “I’m shutting down emotionally and distancing myself, so I don’t have to deal with this.”

Now they’re out at 2 am, partying, drinking, and hooking up with who knows who, and it’s all under the guise of processing, self-care, and independence.

B) Fearful Avoidants (FA) — the disorganized attachment style

I like to think of a relationship with an FA as if it’s a roller coaster ride. Except this time, it’s an emotional one.

Full of ups and downs.

Everything is intense, exciting, passionate, and romantic.

It’s entirely thrilling but, ultimately, toxic.

Though, just like a dismissive avoidant, when the relationship gets too real, or there’s more expected of them, they, too, leave without warning.

Overall, it’s a pattern of intense, anxious behaviors coupled with dismissive avoidant patterns. All in one cute little smile you can’t help but kiss.

While the dismissive avoidant metaphorically (or literally) parties like they’re a college freshman again on spring break (just to avoid you), the FA can be a bit more… hostile…

“I feel really weird about this, and I don’t know why… but it’s probably your fault, and you need to do something about it.”

So, this is what happens:

They lash out
Get defensive
Or blame-shift

For dismissive avoidants, your honesty is rewarded, with them disappearing. On the other hand, for someone with a disorganized attachment style, your direct, honest communication gets you a temper tantrum.

But what do we even mean by honesty?

Honesty is more than just ‘telling the truth.’

Honesty is vulnerability. It’s about being clear, direct, and open about your wants, needs, expectations, and limits.

As I’ve seen, it’s not just a commitment that sends them running away. It’s an expectation of reciprocating transparency.

I once brought up where things were going, and where I wanted them to go → My dismissive avoidant partner checked out about 3 weeks later
Another time, a discussion about ‘wanting a relationship’ triggered those fears of commitment → Again, my fearful avoidant partner left a week later

And I had to learn the hard way: openly communicating your limits with an avoidant usually just backfires if a connection hasn’t been established or you don’t know each other well enough.

I’ll never say you should tolerate a bunch of crap, but open communication isn’t the secret to all relationship problems.

It’s often more about who you communicate with and when. If their main response to the basic things expected in a relationship (like communication) is to create distance, then whatever you say or do will have little effect.

The best thing you can do instead is pick partners who make life easier for you. And I totally get it… it’s easier said than done.

You might think you’re making a good decision by choosing to date who you date, but emotion tends to get the better of us.

I’ve compiled an entire assessment that gauges your partner’s avoidant tendencies, which you can view here.

Though it’s fair to say someone who is only ‘mildly’ avoidant is bound to cause less headache in a relationship than someone who exhibits moderate to severe tendencies.

Mild avoidance:

Some preference for space or alone time
Mild difficulty expressing needs
Slow to open up
General cautiousness or mild anxiety

For moderate to severe patterns, those with these kinds of attachment wounds typically see vulnerability as a threat to their sense of control, autonomy, or independence.

(Even though a relationship is about compromise and giving up some freedom in exchange for greater benefits)

And they fear the unspoken expectation that honesty must be reciprocated with honesty. The avoidant isn’t wrong in this case. A healthy, loving relationship can’t work if it’s a one-way-street.

The problem is, for avoidants, this actually forces them to confront all the things they’ve been avoiding feeling.

Shame
Guilt
Anger

So, most concerns you bring up will be interpreted as you pressuring them into something they haven’t had a say in.

The avoidant will beat around the bush, hesitate, and sugarcoat their words out of fear of upsetting their significant other.

Moderate to Severe avoidant tendencies

Complete, total, emotional shutdown
Consistent pattern of ghosting/sudden breakups in past relationships
Refusal or inability to commit after sufficient connection is established
Consistent push-pull behavior
Love bombing/future faking
Sporadic communication patterns, including stonewalling/silent treatment
Hyper-independence

What to do instead

Build the connection you have with them, but also maintain a healthy space
Crystal-clear, firm boundaries; don’t relegate everything to ‘conversations’
Identify and decide if you even want to be with that person in the first place

…

If your partner is distancing themselves from you, or you need guidance on standing up for yourself, I’d suggest reading my 9-page PDF on this topic, which you can download here.

And for more reading on topics like this, you can subscribe to my Substack.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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