One generation ago, people could hardly dream of the world we are living in.
The middle class has grown in the last 30 years. Increasing mobility and new technologies make our life more comfortable and delightful than ever.
This has serious implications for romantic relationships. We usually associate them with physical proximity.
But this is changing.
It is common to have a partner live in another city or country.
I’ve had this experience too.
How we met
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My former girlfriend Natália was Portuguese 🇵🇹
I met her in Prague while doing my PhD. Due to her professional duties, she was living half a year in Prague and half a year in Lisbon.
When we started seeing each other, I was a 24-year-old beginning to enjoy his life in Europe. Dating a girl from another country was super exciting. And I could travel to Portugal without having to pay for the hotel!
How our relationship turned long-distance
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As I was finishing my PhD, Natália relocated to Prague and moved in with me.
Half a year later, I got a job offer in Germany and moved out. Natália knew I wanted to move and took the news calmly.
We continued our relationship at a distance. We were two hours apart by car.
We would see each other on weekends. I would travel to her place Friday night and come back Sunday night.
She would travel to me the week after.
This kind of arrangement suited me very well at the beginning.
⚠️ Ladies, I know you love your partner’s attention ⚠️
But my mind was always at work.
As mean as this may sound, I was happy to be alone at home after yet another 12+ hour work day. Professional growth was my focus.
My girlfriend was also working hard on her career. She was even more successful than me. Her boss liked her and did everything he could to support her growth.
Eventually, I started to want more from our relationship. A few things were bothering me.
- Sex was only on weekends. I want sex more often.
- Planning something together was a challenge. We always had to decide between spending our holidays together and visiting our families. The families were usually the priority.
- Taking care of each other was difficult. When she was sick, I still had to be at work until Friday.
It’s easy to see where this kind of relationship was going.
The turning point
Five years into our relationship, we had a conversation that sealed its destiny.
Natália asked me about my plans for our future together. I had gotten used to “being” with her at a distance and suggested we continue that way.
She made it clear she could give up on her life in Prague and come to live with me in Germany.
What would you have done in my situation?
I appreciated her determination but found it hard to accept her offer.
She was professional too but couldn’t find a job in Germany.
I thought and still think that it’s wrong to give up on what you’ve worked for for years.
I don’t want anyone to sacrifice their professional life for me.
And I wouldn’t want to make this sacrifice either.
Trying to fix a relationship by giving up on your career is a big no-no for me.
This is an emotional decision.
A moment will come when you realize you made a mistake. There will be no turning back.
How we broke up
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We were still together for about one and a half years after that conversation. But it was clear that she was gradually losing interest in me.
Eventually, we broke up.
It took me several months to find my inner peace. I was astonished to realize I was feeling something similar to depression.
Regular workouts helped me keep a clear mind. Physical exercises do wonders not only for your physical health but also for your mental health.
It was my longest-lasting relationship.
I’ve never regretted my decision. If I were confronted with this issue again, I would act the same way.
Is this wrong? We say in Russia
There’re as many opinions as there’re people.
I am sure Natália is happy now. She has a family. If this is what she wanted, I am happy for her.
Final thoughts
Long-distance relationships are feasible. Every Friday afternoon, my former boss (60 years of age) would travel 500 km to another city to be with his family.
A study found that long-distance relationships can be as successful as regular ones.
Everyone decides for themselves what kind of relationships and partners they want.
It is my choice to not begin another relationship at a distance.
I want to see my girlfriend, touch her, sleep with her, and take care of her as much and as often as I want.
I want my girlfriend to be happy with her professional life. Women have the same career opportunities nowadays.
You might make a different choice in a similar situation. If so, answer the following questions honestly.
- Would you accept that your partner leaves behind a large chunk of their success to be with you?
- Would you want to take on this kind of responsibility?
- Or if you have a career, would you be able to give up on everything you’ve done professionally in the last 10 years?
There’s no universal “yes” or “no” answer to this.
Every person we meet teaches us something.
The exact meaning of someone’s presence in my life escapes us sometimes.
But we become more mature every time.
I know this because I always end up making a better choice.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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