Why ‘I Don’t Know’ Is the Smartest Answer When Considering an Ex

Going through a breakup is one of the more unsettling feelings you can experience.

Half of your mind thinks it was the best decision.

Half of your mind questions if you could have saved the relationship.

You go back and forth, and it can take up mental space, and now you’re potentially headed toward a dangerous territory where it’s all you can think about.

It isn’t easy to alleviate yourself from the guilty feeling that results.

Am I being strong, or am I being stubborn?

Did I make a logical decision, or was I being overly emotional, and now I’m questioning my decision?

What if I told you there was something you were not thinking about?

I was in a 1:1 with one of my clients recently, and he experienced this dilemma.

We were reflecting on the time that had passed since his last relationship, and we were working on some questions that created a moment to reflect on your desire for your partner to return.

He began answering the question, “What would you do if your partner wanted to return and give the relationship and give it another try?

I saw him working through his answer, and he said, “Honestly, Tunde, I don’t know. I see how that might not be the best answer…”

Before he could continue, I cut him off and said, “Good! That’s the best answer you could have.”

The Unknown

When an ex returns to the picture, there is often one common theme.

We feel the need to come up with our answers. The problem is we are so far on one side of the spectrum that we generally make a hasty statement.

We haven’t taken the time to process what went right or wrong in the relationship. We have decided what should happen if someone reengages with us.

Did you take the time to think about where your response came from?

Are you in a state of mind where you wish the person would return, and the second they do, you would welcome them back with open arms?

Are you still reeling over the straw that broke the camel’s back? A dispute that had a resolution has now blown up.

I am not telling you to question your decision, but I am asking you to think about the root of your decision.

Ask yourself, “Did my decision come from a logical review of the situation, or did my feelings take over, and I bypassed that moment because of how I currently feel?”

If the former is the answer, then more power to you.

If the latter is your answer and “I don’t know,” then there is room to explore your answer.

I need some…

Do you know what makes someone’s answer definitive?

When you know what you need from a relationship, objectively align those with your partner’s needs and understand if there’s no room to fill the gap.

When we are hyper-fixated on welcoming our partner back into our lives, we bypass the thought process of what we need from the relationship and shine a light on the outcome we want.

What do you need from your partner? Their physical body next to yours is not a good answer.

What needs does your partner meet consistently? What creates the value of revisiting the relationship?

What needs are they inconsistent with or fail to meet?

You should be thinking about these same questions if you’re on the other side of the coin.

Does my partner show up for me in my core areas, and if we communicate a plan, there is room for the relationship to improve?

When we are in the “I don’t know” state of mind, these are the questions to run through that will lead us to our true answer.

Get me back

When we experience a breakup, we are almost having an out-of-body experience.

We are so far out of our comfort zone that we are searching for the answer that gets us back to our baseline.

We make a hasty decision. On one end; if we have our partner back it will alleviate the feeling of being lonely, unloved, or abandoned.

On the other end, our partner being out of our life has finally provided the time to have clarity and think about the dynamic.

But.

Have you thought of where you are in your healing process and if you are ready to entertain the conversation?

It is ok to feel lonely or so angry. It is not ok to bypass the time you need to reflect and heal from the feelings that resulted from the relationship ending.

Again, if you are solid and definitively locked into your decision, you have done the work, but if there is doubt in your mind then explore the “I don’t know.”

You have not completed the process of getting your stability back.

Afterall, if your ex respected you, they would have no problem staying patient in this phase…

Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings, click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.