I started writing this article by searching for a graphic to use under the title. Strangely, the search for images using “divorce” or “divorcing” all showed sad or angry people.
I was looking more for something like this:
The difference here is these two happy people aren’t the ones getting divorced. The two people you see in the picture above have already each been divorced. This is either a second marriage or a rebound fling, but in any case, you can see they are smiling.
Do you know why they are smiling?
Here come those three words I alluded to in my subtitle:
KID.
FREE.
WEEKENDS.
If you listen closely, you can hear a choir of angels singing as you say those four words aloud:
Kid-free weekends.
My god, it’s glorious.
Don’t get me wrong. Everyone should probably try to stay married because (1) you vowed to, (2) divorce is expensive, and (3) see 2.
I was married for almost 15 years and had two children when my first wife and I decided to divorce. It was a hard, sad, and difficult time in everyone’s life, and this would probably be a good time to put one of those sad divorce pictures in this article. I won’t, though, because this is a feel-good divorce story.
Years after my divorce, I met a recently divorced woman on Match.com who was looking for someone much taller and wealthier than I was. However, booze and humor have a way of whittling away your sensibilities, and after three years of courtship and bar-hopping, we eventually married. We’ve been married since 2013.
We have four children between us. I have two and she has two.
I know you’re thinking, “OHMYGOD HE MADE HIS SITUATION WORSE,” but that’s where the wonderful world of shared custody comes in.
When you’re on your first marriage and have kids, there is no concept of shared custody. The closest you get to shared custody in your first marriage is taking turns to see what your child is crying about, why the kid won’t sleep or trying to get them either into or — as teens — out of the shower.
Parenting is an exhausting, 24-hour-a-day, 7-day-a-week, 365-day-a-year job you will have for at least the next 18 years of a child’s life, so sharing the misery is the “For better or for worse,” part of your vows.
Enter your glorious salvation: divorce.
At any given time, my wife and I may have up to six people living in my house. This is an aggravating dance of bathroom-sharing, meal-planning, activity-driving, homework-helping, and argument-calming that is continually playing in my home. Conversations with my wife, during these periods, are usually relegated to “How was your day,” “What are they fighting about now,” and “I’m tired, you take this one.”
This scenario will play itself out daily for two weeks.
Until it’s the ex’s turn with the kids.
Hallelujah.
Every other week, our kids head off to their respective other parent’s houses. My wife and I would drop the kids off — back when my kids didn’t drive — and then immediately peel rubber the very second their backpacks were in the trunk of our exes’ cars. Sometimes, we would look in the rearview mirror and see the kids looking at us, speeding away at 100 mph, as my wife and I screamed, “FREEEEEDOM” like Braveheart at the end of the movie.
I’m sorry. I should have said “spoiler alert” there, but if you haven’t seen Braveheart yet, come on, man.
Freedom.
My wife and I go on date nights every other week. We get to sit home and watch movies in the quiet of the house, without having to watch YouTube videos about Fortnight or have to watch Frozen for the 80th time when a new Tarantino movie is out on demand. We go to dinner and bars, hang out with friends and do things like ax-throwing and beer festivals.
We do all these things while our kids are in the loving arms of their OTHER parents, who had their chance to do all this stuff last weekend.
As I write this, my wife and I are packing for a 5-day trip to New York City. My kids are both up at college, and my stepkids are going to be on school vacation, which they are spending at their dad’s house while we are away.
Me, my wife, and Times Square in late April.
No kids.
Freedom.
We couldn’t do this if we weren’t divorced. We would have to arrange for someone to watch the kids, which at our age means leaving them with grandparents who are on the verge of senility. If kenneling was an option, we would gladly do that, but sadly that option is only available for the dog.
[suddenly gets an idea to pitch to Shark Tank]
Don’t get me wrong. We love our kids. We love our life, and each and every adventure we take with our children. There is no greater joy I have than being a dad, talking with my kids, and helping guide them through life.
But, man, sometimes you just need a break and a window of opportunity to relax and reconnect with the one that you love.
If that sounds good to you, I can recommend a divorce lawyer.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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