Why, in the Case of Domestic Violence, It Is Never ‘Just’ a Slap

The argument took a sharp turn, she raised her voice while he raised his hand.

In the heat of the moment, we always end up doing some ugly things, things that we often come to regret later. But can an emotional outburst always be justified? Is physical abuse on your partner just once, forgivable?

Is a slap really, just a slap?

When a woman in India even thinks about walking out of an abusive marriage, her steps get halted from the chain of patriarchy which is formed in the name of our culture, the chain that gets wrapped around her legs on the day she gets married.

The rusty age-old chain which kills her self-respect, her beliefs and her identity, all in the name of her responsibilities as a woman towards her family.

She is told to have patience, to upload her relationship and family together.

Women are constantly told to put their own needs on the back burner and that’s justified on empathy. They are taught to be more understanding, to be more forgiving, to learn to forget things easily, to compromise, to be more tolerant and to do her best to hold her marriage together.

What do you know about the kind of problems men go through? At least be a little emphatic towards him.

So, it was just one slap? How can you even think about divorce for such a small issue? Think about society, what would people say?

Every relationship is flawed, learn to mend it and make it work. Besides, there must certainly be a valid reason for his actions. He must be drunk, he must be angry, he must be frustrated from work issues. It happens sometimes, forgive him. Give him one more chance.

No, it’s never just a slap. It’s domestic violence, it’s the beginning of a more severe physical form of violence.

It is a crime.

Domestic violence.

Being clashing to the popular belief, the term, domestic violence does not only represent physical harm but it also includes sexual violence, emotional and psychological abuse, harassment, or other types of controlling behaviour.

While there is no legal definition of it in statute law, the world health organization defines domestic/intimate partner violence as, “behaviour by an intimate partner or ex-partner that causes physical, sexual or psychological harm, including physical aggression, sexual coercion, psychological abuse and controlling behaviours”.

The data from the UN women reveals that over 35 per cent of women worldwide have been physically, sexually or emotionally abused by their husbands at some point in their lives. While this percentage take a jump to a shocking 70% in some national studies.

Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

To me, the saddest part of it all is that often people, especially other women, judge these victims of abuse, we often ask them questions like why don’t you simply opt-out of the relationship? Why don’t you just walk out?

The statement she can leave anytime, in a way means we as people think that it’s their fault that they don’t, as if someone would want to fall in love with such a person let alone marry them on purpose.

They don’t just walk from the relationship because ending an abusive relationship is never easy. It’s even harder when the victim has been isolated from her family and friends, psychologically beaten down, financially controlled, and physically threatened.

It is incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is to kill the victim. Over 70% of domestic violence murders take place after the victim has ended the relationship because then the abuser has nothing to lose.

It is also estimated that at least 50,000 women were killed intentionally by intimate partners or family members globally only in 2017 and the figures only keep rising.

According to this data, it can also be concluded that almost 137 women across the world are killed every single day by their family members. The people we all are supposed to feel safest around, the people who we are supposed to trust the most, the people to whom women are supposed to give their priority.

Other outcomes including long term stalking even after the victim gets married to someone else, denial of financial resources for victims who were financially dependent on the abuser and manipulation of the family court system to terrify the victim and her children who are regularly forced by family court judges to spend unsupervised time with a man who beats their mother.

Slapping, punching, pushing, kicking, strangling, these actions should never be involved in a relationship or marriage, be it for once, twice or multiple times. Violence is violence be it a man or woman who’s initiating it.

Neither a man nor a woman has the rights to hurt their partner, the partner they had promised to love and cherish.

The accountability of spousal violence doesn’t lie with the abuser only, a part of it also lies with us, with the society that turns a blind eye towards it.

What can we do for the victims of domestic violence?

When we suspect a case of domestic violence happening around us or in our neighbourhood, we dismiss even the thought of it by saying, it’s the couple’s internal matter.

We must never have that kind of thinking because violence is never an internal matter, It’s a crime with serious consequences for your friend, her children and the entire community.

We must approach the victim with respect. Listen to them without judging and more than anything show our support for them. We should never judge such women and always keep in mind that, it’s not the fault of the victim that their partner is abusing them.

We must encourage these women to go for domestic violence support services, every country has them, every city has them.

There are different helpline numbers to reach them and hence you must report the suspect case to your nearest department as soon as possible.

Now, you must be thinking why has she even written this article, is she a victim of domestic violence? Well, the answer to that question is — This whole time I have been talking about you.

Abuse can be affecting your daughter, your sister, your son, your mother, your best friend right at this moment.

We can only overcome this ugly truth of our society by breaking the silence. Abuse thrives only in silence, you have the power to end domestic violence simply by shining a spotlight on it.

The victims of such violence and abuse need everyone to support them, they need every one of us to understand the reality of domestic violence.

We must show these abusers the light of day by respecting and making the women comfortable enough to speak about their actions. We must talk about them with our children, our coworkers, our friends and family.

Recognise the early signs of violence, even if it starts with just a slap because a slap is never just a slap. It is the first step of a never-ending vicious pattern that only drags you, your children and your other loved ones to the ugliest consequences.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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