My daughter baffled us. Sometimes, she would be a happy, excited, and friendly child. People would comment that she is such a happy kid. Other times, she is the shiest kid in the room, or she is having a full on tantrum in the least likely places (?anywhere). When people met her for the second or third time, some said it was like meeting a different kid altogether.
The anger outbursts started around 3 years old, maybe younger. A few years later and we still have anger, but we understand it a bit more.
As many parents do, we analyzed every “episode”. Looking at possible triggers, circumstances, different places and times, and so on. In the beginning, we only had limited success. It is easy to figure out that your child is angry because they are hungry, or because you wouldn’t let them destroy your laptop. But other than that, it seemed random.
There was a problem: we didn’t understand what her anger meant.
Understanding Anger & Its Causes
Children experience their feelings and express them similarly to adults. I overlooked this simple fact. Most of the time, anger is either covering up another emotion underneath it or erupting in response to another emotion.
Before you think “what should I do?” try to understand why your child is angry first. Here I will talk about some of the common causes you should think about. This is based on my experience and not an exhaustive list.
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Frustration & injustice
Remember: anger is a normal emotion; a healthy emotion, when appropriate. Another kid hit your kid in class? Yes, they will be angry, and why shouldn’t they!
Other times, your child might feel things are unfair. Why can dad eat ice cream or use a mobile phone and he can’t? If you put yourself in their shoes, it will feel unfair.
How does that help? You can now validate those feelings instead of trying to avoid them. You can explain, negotiate or distract. Notice we are validating the feelings, but not necessarily the behaviors. Sometimes you will have to point out that a behavior isn’t appropriate or acceptable. This “pointing out” should be done afterward, when they are calm.
Things not going their way
Children often get angry when they face situations they can’t control. — Tricia Goyer, Calming Angry Kids
Whether it’s with parents, siblings, or friends, things won’t always be “right”. This is highly dependent on the situation. What I have found helpful is preparing in advance and setting expectations. You should aim to explain to your child what will happen on a day out or a visit to the doctor or their grandparents. Agree on the rules before you go out.
Frustration with oneself
If you are a perfectionist, watch out for this one. Even if you’ve never had big expectations from your children, they still see how hard you are on yourself. It took me a while to realize this one. For us, it was -and still is- about handwriting.
My daughter started comparing her handwriting to her friend’s and got angry because she wasn’t able to write as well as her friend.
Fear as anger
Anger is a complex emotion. Fear can be overwhelming, even unbearable. Adults as well as kids might unconsciously transform their great fears into anger.
Everyone knows the stress response is a “fight or flight” reaction. Anger is that fight part. One day, we planned a nice outing to a special place, the kind of place that is a kids’ paradise on earth. I can’t tell you the amount of anger we got for even suggesting we go there.
We showed her pictures and videos of kids enjoying the playground and various games and slides and animals and whatnot. Nope. She wasn’t having any of it.
After some drama and calming down, I indirectly checked what my daughter thought kids and parents do there. Turns out, because we kept saying “you’re gonna love it, you’re gonna have a good time,” she thought we were going to leave her there! We should’ve said “we” or explained that we will all be there. She was scared.
It was such a simple thing. We explained that of course, we are all going together, and she became excited to go. That day, she didn’t want to leave the place, the staff had to literally tell us to stop playing and head to the door.
Anxiety
It is the fight or flight again. It is easy to miss because we expect anxious kids to be too “shy” and clingy, especially when you think of separation anxiety.
Your child might worry someone is going to take their stuff or break the tower of blocks they made.
Watch out for this one when meeting new people or going to unfamiliar environments. Notice if they have any signs of anxiety (tummy ache, excess blinking, stuttering, sweating, cold hands, etc). You will know what situations make your child anxious, so prepare for them.
When To Seek Help
As part of my training as a psychiatry resident, I worked with children and adolescents for a few months. “Anger” was usually the mean reason a child gets referred to see a mental health professional.
I would say most parents know their kids more than anyone and would know when something is not right. Always trust your instinct.
Here are some situations where your child might need more help (from school, other family members, or professionals):
- When they don’t outgrow temper tantrums. Tantrums usually stop or significantly reduce by the age of 4–5 years.
- When the angry or aggressive behavior disrupts their education, family, or social life.
- If they are harming themselves or someone else.
- If you feel it is affecting their mental health.
- If you are concerned about bullying or abuse.
- Frequent outbursts. for example, every time something happens.
- They seem to be angry most of the time.
- If you notice other symptoms, like hyperactivity or difficulty communicating or making friendships. This might point to things like ADHD, sensory problems, or autism.
Feel free to share in a comment any parenting wisdom on understanding or dealing with anger in kids.
I hope this is helpful. Thanks for reading so far.
Motaz
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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