I can’t label myself clingy. However, I do let the other person’s response make or break my day. Within a relationship, I place the hopes of happiness on my partner more than I should. These are behaviors that have always been scoffed at, even by myself. But lately, I’ve shifted my perspective towards codependency in relationships, as I no longer see it as a flaw but something to embrace to the fullest.
Let me tell you why.
Neediness is rarely a deal-breaker
I reflected on my rejection from a couple of months ago. Initially, I believed my eagerness pushed the girl away. Taking a deeper look though, she was never interested in the first place. We often think our desperateness is the reason that drove someone away. But the core issue is really just a lack of attraction.
Also, not everybody wants a challenge. I personally enjoy being chased and having a high place in someone’s heart. Hard-to-get women are attractive, but being wanted feels just as satisfying as conquering.
If someone genuinely likes you, they’ll appreciate your full attention. At the worse, you might lose some brownie points. But if they’re turned off by you calling them a few times too many, then they weren’t that into you, anyway. Unless you’re physically stalking the other person, neediness alone doesn’t justify them resenting you.
What’s less attractive than being desperate is being insecure about your desperateness
I’ve tried hard to pretend like I don’t care. It’s not very effective for two reasons. One, it doesn’t last. You can play it cool all you want, but you can’t control what your heart does. You can avoid checking your phone for their response, yet you’ll unconsciously focus on it. Instead, transparency shows that you’re courageous and trustworthy.
Two, resisting your true desire is reinforcing the belief that you aren’t good enough. People with high self-esteem are unlikely to beg for love, but if they have to, they’ll do it without shame. There’s no shame in pursuing what you want, regardless of what the world believes. I often hear that being needy is a sin, especially for men. But confident people are secure enough to express their true feelings.
Denying your neediness is actually lying to your partner and yourself.
A certain level of codependency is healthy
I used to believe that even in relationships, people have to operate as individuals to add to each other’s lives.
While that may be true in the early stages of dating, once the relationship matures or enters marriage, the two individuals have an obligation to compromise and emerge their lives. My ex used to depend on me to take care of her important paperwork while I lean on her high spirit to keep me in a good mood. We mesh schedules because we lived together and everything we do affect each other.
In a committed relationship, you two are no longer single entities. You rely on each other emotionally, financially, and mentally, and it strengthens both of you — it’s the beauty of being together.
Otherwise, what are we doing on this planet?
Where it goes too far is when one party is unable to live without the other. When the balance of responsibilities heavily tilts towards one end and complementing becomes complete reliance. When I paid 95% of the bills while taking care of all the chores in the house and helping my ex with her schoolwork and bakery business, we stepped over the line.
Wanting emotional support isn’t weak
Neediness gets a bad rep. It makes people feel like they have poor self-esteem and is somehow crazy and extreme. In reality, we need to lean on each other to some degree. It makes us stronger and happier.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash