Possibly no-one is as obstinate in their views, and as resistant to change, as a man who knows in his heart that he’s mistaken and is having that pointed out to him – especially if it’s by a woman!
But when I’m stubbornly holding on to a viewpoint in the face of evidence which calls it into question, I know that I’m trying to protect myself, and sadly this blocks my capacity to hear or take in what I’m being told. I think this defensiveness is rooted in a deep-seated fear of being criticised – a legacy from my parents who mocked my opinions from a young age whenever I disagreed with them, rather than showing any interest in what I had to say. It’s this need to prove that what I think has value which lies behind my attachment to being ‘right’, and my willingness to use all kinds of arguments to try to prove’ it!
I think this insecurity from those early years is also at the roots of another unhelpful pattern – thinking that I know what’s best for other people, and what they ‘should’ do! What I’ve actually craved, without realising it, has been reassurance that I was “enough”. I’ve had to face up to the buried fear of rejection to begin to let go of it and build a foundation of self-acceptance and a stronger sense of who I am.
I think many men have an instinctive need to justify ourselves when we feel we’re being criticised, because of the shame we associate with being ‘’wrong”. That’s why it’s such a good idea to use ‘I statements’ when we want to tell someone – especially another man – how their words or actions are making us feel, rather than saying why we think their behaviour is ‘bad’ and should be changed. I’ve found that the best way to nudge anyone into hearing what I have to say is to first give them ‘a good listening to’, at the same time as trying to understand the underlying reasons for their beliefs or ideas. This avoids the risk of eliciting the blocking and defensiveness that instinctively comes up in most of us when we’re feeling judged.
I run regular workshops for the Alternatives to Violence Project* with groups of men to teach them, amongst other things, some basic tools for handling conflict without becoming aggressive. This includes learning the warning signs of anger so that they can head it off before it becomes unstoppable, and finding better ways of addressing the unmet needs which may be behind it.
One of the first things I try to do in a group is show that I believe everyone there is equal, and to build a sense of community. I’m always impressed how emotionally more open the men become as soon as they realise they’re being given respect and acceptance instead of the negativity that they may be used to. Encouraging everyone to use ‘I statements’ as a way of sharing their feelings is a key part of achieving this, and it’s something which I’ve found works equally well in day-to-day interactions – especially in relationships!
I had a recent chance to try this out. My neighbour has a dog that used to continuously bark, often into the night. I put off saying anything to him because I didn’t want to create bad feeling, seeing everyone else on my street gets on well enough and we look out for each other. But last week the noise was keeping me awake and it got to the point where I knew I had to speak to him.
So remembering the power of ‘I statements’ I avoided any criticism of him or his pet management skills and explained that I was starting to feel sleep-deprived and stressed. I let my face look strained and spoke in an exhausted voice; and it worked! He actually said he was grateful for me telling him and apologised – it seems he hadn’t realised how loud the barking was. Since then the evenings have been peaceful and we’re still all friends. I know it doesn’t always work out so well, but for how I’m patting myself on the back and saying: “result!”.
*Alternatives to Violence Project (AVP) Britain: https://avpbritain.org.uk/
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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