The tale old as times.
After two years together, you break up. You want out of this draining relationship. He is not present, nor does he care. Cannot blame him. You barely make the effort yourself.
Sounds like a healthy deal to go separate ways. After all, people grow apart, no harm done. Life happens.
Suddenly, news hit that your still fresh ex is dating some chick, and he is planning to move in with her. Soon. They are already blasting pictures on Instagram, while you fall apart into a million pieces, thinking:
How could he move on so quickly?
But honey, he didn’t.
He is not moving on — he is stuck. He doesn’t know how to be alone with his feelings.
Sex, Drugs and Rock’n’Roll.
Breakup is for everybody. The aftermath is not. Everyone handles it differently. You are not the same person leaving the relationship when you were entering it.
Women are great with emotions. Men, on the other hand, are not so skilled in that department. They run away from uncomfortable truths. That is how sex, drugs, and rock and roll got invented.
Women come through the wallowing phase and finally get it over with. They indulge in self-care, go back to the yoga mat, journal their way through a painful split or call a shoulder to cry on. A study points that women hurt more after breakups but recover more fully.
Men are different species. When their relationship crumbles, it causes a huge emotional void. They use distraction and denial to cope with their emotions when going through a breakup.
After the split, men report more feelings of anger and engage in more self-destructive behaviors than women. Men tend to repress their grieving and take a ‘fake it until you make it’ approach.
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Hooking up with other girls hardly resembles moving on. Casual relationships can also release feel-good hormones like dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine, which give the emotional illusion of soothing the heartache.
Another reason why men run scared from vulnerability and showing off post-breakup sorrow is culture.
Society has made it unwelcome for men to cry their hearts out. Men and women alike are always encouraged to hide the pain instead of wearing it proudly on their sleeves. There is no emotional education among the school curriculum.
The louder it gets, the more there is to hide.
When a person is rushing into the next relationship, they are not over the old one. In a desperate attempt to numb the senses, they look for a new substitute to take care of unresolved issues and entertain their wounded egos. (Kanye West suddenly comes to my mind).
They pretend the relationship has never happened. But the faster the new relationship rolls in, the sooner it will come crashing down. The bigger the charade, the more excruciating the void to fill in. It is their way of Ross’s “I am fine!”.
Men like competition. But most of them don’t know how to deal with failures. Because that is what the failed relationship means to them. The next girl, the next conquer, is supposed to silence the blow of an unsuccessful relationship.
They go cold on you, passing you in the street without even one glance of acknowledgement.
Yes. Pathetic.
Then how come you are the one sitting at home thinking what is wrong with you? When it is their pathological choice of dealing with a broken heart that deserved the pity.
Guys who pretend to be busy are like people who show off their hustle because it looks good on social media. He wants you to think he is having fun.
Social media has proved on countless occasions that the level of hype and engagement does not match life satisfaction. Happiness sells well on social media.
Genuine happy people aren’t concerned with proving to the world how happy they are. You may feel the temptation to act loud on Instagram or pin your way through nightclubs, but this run around town won’t give you closure.
Remember, insecurities are loud. Confidence is silent.
Act cool.
People act loudly for attention. Your ex may want your response, your animal reaction — rage spitting out of your mouth.
Don’t get him what he wants. Get yourself what you need right now: peace of mind. The best reaction is no reaction.
Don’t unfollow. Mute for your sanity.
Don’t call. Delete his number.
Don’t criticize and blast your dirty laundry for everybody to see. Cry your heart out when emotions build up. But do it in the privacy of your home, sofa, a friend with a shoulder and tiramisu to cry on.
Don’t let him own you. Every time you play to his wants and manipulative techniques, you become enslaved by his behaviour. Men shouldn’t have that power. Yet, we give it away so willingly.
Your priority is to focus on yourself.
There is not a perfect timeline to mend a broken heart. But rushing it will only backfire on your next relationship and health. If you cannot meet yourself in total honesty, it will be difficult to hold space and go deep with others.
However imperfect any relationship might be, nonetheless, it is a loss. Give yourself time to grieve. It may not be the most comfortable, but growth isn’t a cosy bed of roses. It is about forming a new identity from broken pieces.
One thing is for sure: nobody comes out of the breakup untouched.
Painful events impact your psyche, but you get to control the narrative of the person you become afterwards. You ache for the old you, but every experience, especially a painful one, shapes us from scratch. You are not going to rewind your life to the pre-relationship stage. It urges you to move on.
The heartbreak situation is not ideal. You are either in pain or boiling with rage. Those emotions are valid but destructive if you continue to cultivate them regularly.
Once you acknowledge that your situation is far from perfect, you get to move on to create that ideal condition. You know what you don’t want, right? So you can move in the opposite direction.
You want peace of mind. Give it yourself. Don’t check up on him. Don’t wallow anymore. Don’t focus on you being alone, as you are cultivating the perspective of lack. And what you focus on grows stronger.
Being single is not a disease. It is an opportunity.
You get to have more time for yourself. You get to meet new people and laugh at disastrous dates. You get to know yourself better as you mute the chaos and stress of a failed relationship.
Discover yourself anew. Establish new hobbies or rekindle the old ones.
Don’t look at the breakup as a loss but a gain. You have been given the privilege of time and space. Use it wisely.
Remember, we learn more from failures than achievements. When you walk out of the breakup hell, you come out stronger, wiser and with something to say. You come out a lot more interesting. That is a valuable asset to bring into your next relationship.
Coin the heartbreak into a meaningful experience. You cannot control if somebody commits to you, but you can control how you react if they don’t.
Tell a new story.
After a few months or a lucrative year of self-development, picture this scenario:
You are all glued back together now. The relationship has served you. The breakup even more. You see clearly how better off you are alone and ready for a dating scene, a healthy one.
You go out with a guy, spend a nice evening at a fancy place. The point is: you are having fun. You laugh. He laughs. You surprise yourself with your wit and crafty sarcasm. You feel great about yourself, shining your goddess-like glow. You know it because your date’s eyes reflect the awe of your authentic and carefree energy.
Suddenly, your eyes meet. Your ex happens to be at the same restaurant at the same time.
Your heart starts racing faster. Not because you long for him, but because you have imagined that moment for a long time, and now you get to experience it.
This time, you don’t fall apart. This time he is.
Because the magnitude of his emotions hit him finally.
He has not moved on.
You are.
Now, after six months or more, the emotional junk swept under the proverbial rug caught up with him to deal with it. Or move on to the next chick.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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