Why Narcissists Move So Fast

That morning he gazed deep into my eyes and said “I love you.” I was surprised, as we’d known each other less than a week. But I was also flattered, and instead of seeing it as the red flag it was, thought that perhaps I had finally met a man who was unafraid of showing his emotions and leaning in to a relationship. Before I knew it — and more importantly — before I knew HIM, I was all in, convinced that this was it.

Narcissists are often excellent at first impressions, using charm, being very curious about you, and even mirroring your interests, values and beliefs. In romantic relationships, it can feel like you have met your true soul mate, so why not jump in? When it goes very quickly (as it typically does), instead of wondering what the rush is, it can get framed as “when you know, you know.”

Why do they typically push things forward so fast, rather than letting the relationship unfold more organically over time? What is the big rush? Why do they so desperately need to “lock things down?” Well, here’s a couple of reasons:

ONE: They can only do their impression of a kind, interested person for so long. In other words, the persona (not person) you fell in love with has an expiration date, as it takes great energy and effort for the narcissist to keep up the facade. Once the target is in some way committed (typically a swift commitment to being exclusive, moving in together quickly, a rushed marriage, or even having a baby together), they can drop the exhausting mask and go back to their true toxic personality.

TWO: They have idealized their target, convincing themselves that this person is the one who will — finally — truly love them, be there for them, and fix all their problems. They want to get the person into a commitment before they get away because they have (for the moment) convinced themselves that this one is it.

When people ask me how to avoid getting involved with a narcissist, I generally tell them that time is the friend of the target and the enemy of the narcissist. While going slow will be fine if you have truly met a wonderful person (in fact, it is a classic green flag in dating), you’ll generally get a huge amount of push back when dealing with a toxic, controlling person. They’ll typically say they are ok with it at first to fit with the wonderful person persona they have adopted, but you’ll find they soon push boundaries, try to talk you into going faster, make it about you and your issues, or play the soul mate card. Watch for this.

Because they are so good at wearing the “soul mate” and/or wonderful person mask at first, to know what we are truly dealing with, sometimes all we have is time.

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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.

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