I never imagined that I will be contemplating the issues of marriage at the age of 26, but here I am, watching my sister’s relationship falling apart. This is rather amusing, in a way, to watch two people who were once so passionate that they could not even keep their hands to themselves and now they barely look at each other while eating dinner.
Lily (not her real name) my sister got married to her college love, david (not his real name) immediately after graduation. They were the very definition of teenagers in love — weeping, dreaming, and very, very much in love.
I can recall their wedding as if it was happening the previous day. Her eyes looked as if she was full of joy and david could not help, but to smile. Everyone we knew deemed them to be perfect for each other.
Three years down the line, the flame has died out. It’s not that they quarrel frequently or that there is some acute conflict. No, it’s worse — there is a silence that is almost tangible, a feeling of absence that seems to get lebih and lebih pronounced each day.
I first realized it during a family dinner that I had a month ago. Lily and david were seated side by side but they could have been on different tables and in different rooms for that matter. The rest of the group talked and joked around, whereas they did not utter a word unless spoken to.
At one point I looked at Lily and she looked so down, my heart ached for her.
Later on, after dinner, I took Lily to the side. ‘Hey, is everything fine between you and David?’ I asked, I tried to sound as normal as I could.
She pasted a smile on her lips but it did not quite light up her face. “We’re okay,” she replied, but her voice did not sound very confident. “It is just. . . I guess we both have a lot of work and by the time we get home we have no energy to do anything else.”
I simply agreed because I did not want to pry more from her, especially that she had opened up to me. But as I stood there watching them drive away that night I couldn’t help but feel that it was more than just the ‘busyness’ of life.
The following weeks, I made an effort to observe other couples around me.
My parents have been married for 30 years and they still share jokes and can make each other smile without even speaking. My best friend and his girlfriend, who had been dating for a year, never ran out of things to say to each other, whether they were discussing memes on their phones or not.
There was the case of deepti, my good friend who had just been through a divorce for the past 2 years of marriage.
At the once meet she decided to share with me about it.
“You know,” she said, stirring her latte idly, “everyone said that we are so in love and we were, in a way. But, as I look back, we were never friends, really. We didn’t like the same things, we didn’t laugh at the same jokes and as for the passion, once it faded, we had nothing to talk about.”
It’s a saying that I didn’t forget and I could hear her voice as I thought of Lily and David. They had been in love and in the heat of the moment they forgot to lay a strong foundation of friendship between them.
So I thought it will be good to take Lily out for coffee alone. Sitting at the café, I noticed that she had changed; there was tension in her shoulders and Weariness in her face that was not there a year ago.
“Lil,” I asked, “remember that you told me everything is okay, but I can see that you are not joyful, what is wrong?”
She let out a soft sigh and her fingers tangled with the edge of her cup. “I do like David and I think I’ll always like him, but lately, it feels like we’re just…co-inhabiting the space. We don’t converse, we don’t joke around, we don’t even have those little interactions where we share our daily experiences.”
I simply agreed with her and waited for her to go on.
“In the early days, all was so nice, we were always exploring new things, going out, and about. Now, we finish work, prepare food, watch TV and sleep. That is all. I feel that we have no intimacy.”
When Lily was talking, I started to recall the successful couples that I have come across.
My parents, who, despite being my parents, continued to go on date nights and have their own book club. My grandparents, who used to have their evening game of cards and a joke to tell every now and then.
“Have you discussed this with David?” I asked softly.
Lily shook her head. “I don’t know how. I’m afraid he will think that I don’t love him anymore and that is not true at all. I just miss… us.”
I put my hand on hers and held it for a few seconds. “Lily, it is possible to love someone and be friends with that person at the same time. Perhaps what you and David require is a chance to become friends again.”
She looked at me, “What do you mean?”
I smiled, relieved. “It’s not too late, Lil. Perhaps you can begin with suggesting that you both watch one of the independent movies that you both once enjoyed or cook a new recipe this coming weekend.”
She agreed on that…
…
This is why as I watched them I came to the conclusion that love is not sufficient to support marriage.
That is why it is the friendship — the common past, the same jokes, the mutual pleasure in each other’s company, even the comfortable silence — on which a healthy and long-lasting relationship is built.
People may come in love, but they stay because of friendship.
…
I hope you enjoyed reading. This blog post comes from what I’ve learned, what I think, and what I believe.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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