Why Respect Is More Important Than Love

Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love.
— Miguel Ángel Ruiz Macías, Toltec Spiritualist

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In a perfect world, love and respect would be an unbreakable bond — a partnership of infinite possibilities.

But there’s no such thing as perfection. Indeed, we are all human and by default, this means we have flaws. It doesn’t take a sex therapist nor a Ph.D. to tell us that we need both for a healthy relationship.

The danger lies in situations where the lines are blurred — when we think someone who doesn’t respect us can still love.

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A Matter of Definition

As with so much in life, perspective becomes the lens through which we view things. Any number of factors influence our vantage point: past experiences, cultural values, spiritual beliefs, societal expectations.

In the same vein, words sometimes change meaning depending on context and intention. Focusing on the general concept behind the word respect, few would argue that it’s attributed to positive sentiments. Ones that nurture honesty, trust, and accountability.

Merriam-Webster’s definition:

Essential Meaning of respect

1: a feeling of admiring someone or something that is good, valuable, important (e.g., they saluted as a sign of respect)

2: a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, and should be treated in an appropriate way (e.g., she showed no respect for her husband)

We could go one step further. Respect represents how individuals in a society perceive themselves and others. On one side, it reflects how we treat ourselves; on the flip, our interactions with the surrounding world.

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The Psychology of Behavior

Much of what shapes one’s personality is a combination of external factors (e.g., social environment, geographic location, economic opportunities) and internal elements (e.g., culture, family hierarchy, genetics).

On a basic level, these impact how our learned behavior patterns form. As children, we are taught right from wrong — rewarded for good conduct, and punished for bad doings. At a young age, our gauge of what is deemed acceptable takes form.

According to a case study of Behavioral Norms and Human Action, German researchers at the University of Cologne (in collaboration with the University of Michigan), expound:

For any organization or society to thrive, it must possess a behavioral code that tempers self-interest, promoting instead coordinated, cooperative, and self-sacrificing action among its members. We examine respect as a case study of such behavioral codes or norms. By respect, we mean that people are impelled to treat each other as individuals of goodwill and competence, even if they do not privately believe it. This norm explains a host of other interpersonal behaviors, such as helping and avoiding confrontation.

The anatomy of respect is complex. It works often against a person’s underlying preferences rather than for them, constitutes what people think they should do rather than what they want to do, is driven by anxiety, focuses on regulating actions rather than their outcomes, comprises avoidance motivation rather than approach motivation, and is more moral than social in nature.

Within the context of a family structure or school surroundings, a child might understand that respect is something expected/demanded of them.

What happens when that child grows up, finding themself in a romantic relationship?

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An Equation in Balance

Based on the previous case study, if we rely on the premise that people treat each other with goodwill and value, then love cannot exist without respect. The two must be inextricably intertwined.

But how can we describe the former without considering the latter?

For a textbook approach, let’s turn to Collins Dictionary:

(1) transitive verb: love —(a) to feel romantically or sexually attracted to someone; a person who is very important to you; (b) to behave in a kind and caring way toward someone (e.g., you say you love someone when their happiness is very important to you)

Synonyms: adore, care for, treasure, cherish

(2) uncountable noun: love — a very strong feeling of affection toward someone you are romantically or sexually attracted to

Synonyms: passion, liking, regard, friendship

The above relates mostly to non-platonic relationships. Testing our theory, one sentiment cannot exist absent the other. We must ask ourselves what weight we give to each. Are they indeed equal?

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One Without The Other

If respect boils down to the value placed on a person (A), and love represents [for the purposes of this article] an abstract tied to romantic feelings (B), then A and B are both subjectively assessed.

Therein lies the dilemma. When we personalize and assign emotions to things, we often cloud their importance in our lives.

Love can be fleeting and fickle. This is not to imply that the opposite is impossible. In cases, it has been proven to be unconditional and the greatest equalizer. Love is what makes us compassionate and kind — the fabric of humanity.

But romanticizing the word can cause us to sacrifice the other part of the equation.

On the surface, respect seems more concrete. It sounds less transient — you either respect someone or you don’t. Generally, [unless a major event happens] we already know how much (or how little) we respect someone.

A person can stop loving another but continue to have great respect and admiration for them. Someone might no longer want to be romantically connected to an individual, yet still hold them in high regard.

This is an imperfect world. Most things are unequal. Would you give up one for the other? Could you love a person you don’t respect?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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