Why She Won’t Come Over

You text her, “Hey, wyd? Come over tonight.”

Then you get some lame excuse:

“It’s been a long day. I think I’m just gonna stay in tonight.” or “I’m out with my girlfriends.”

You can try again a few days later, but you’ll probably get the same response.

She’s just not that interested in seeing you.

Why?

Here’s the thing, this is the only caveat I’m going to mention before we get into a deeper reason.

Many guys automatically assume it’s something they did wrong. Not her. More often than not, it has nothing to do with you.

Some women (and men — if you’re a woman reading this) will always prioritize their friends or their interests above you.

At least she knows Becky won’t make a move on her… well… probably not.

Being out with friends feels safe, comfortable, and familiar. Zero pressure.

They don’t have to be vulnerable, or worried about things getting too real. She could certainly like you, but unless she’s willing to get out of her comfort zone it’ll never happen.

But what about the ones who could come over?

Where there’s real potential? These are the relationships that could happen but she chooses to decline your offer of coming over or going out.

Getting a girl to come over and “hang out” is easier than you think, but if you’ve got nothing “going on,” it’s not necessarily an attractive offer for her.

If she’s got nothing better to do, she might come over, but who wants to be second-best?

I actually failed to really think about this until I remembered my mother’s old boyfriend.

Doug was a perfect example of a boring, unattractive guy

Years and years ago my mother used to see this guy named Doug.

Looking back at that situation as an adult, I can tell he was a loser.

The least messed up part wasn’t that he was her boss (yikes 😬), it was the relationship they had.

Doug never really came by (probably because we lived with my grandma and all her dogs).

She would just go to his condo in the evenings. You might think “Netflix and Chill” is a recent invention, but they were doing the same thing back in the late 90s.

They’d sit around drinking and watching reruns of Law & Order. That was the extent of it. Nothing real, no shared experiences, nothing memorable. They were pretty much just killing time together.

From what I remember my mother telling me, he was a real fucking jerk and when they broke up, he’d drunk call her and say things like “I miss you, why don’t I take you out to the horse race?”

Doug didn’t have a lot going on. As far as I can remember, he didn’t seem like the type to have a lot of friends, hobbies, or aspirations — just a low-paying manager job at a retail store.

All he had was a job, a condo, and a liquor cabinet.

While it ultimately wasn’t his job to make her happy, she wasn’t particularly fond of that arrangement. But she spent time with him because it was familiar and comfortable. Easy.

My point here isn’t to just talk about some random bloke from years ago. It’s to set the groundwork for what I’m meaning to teach you.

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In some way I became Doug.

And unfortunately, many men become him not only when they’re single, but when they’re in long-term, serious relationships that involve marriage and children.

They become complacent, weak in frame, and they emasculate themselves with various forms of coping strategies.

The ‘Fiance era’ (When I had a life)

Back when I was dating my then girlfriend — and eventual fiance, I took initiative.

I had less of a “filter,” and minimal hesitation.

When we first met, I’d invite myself over to her place after work. Or I’d text her, “Hey, let’s do something tonight.”

We’d do stuff. Cook dinner, go out, get drinks, then come back and have sex.

The key thing here was, while there were certainly a lot of moments where we’d spend time together at home and do the “Netflix and chill” thing, there was more going on than just that.

Things were happening in my life, and she became a part of it.

I wasn’t overthinking anything. It’s not like how it was recently, when I’d constantly second-guess my own intentions with women.

My goal with my ex wasn’t about “entertaining” her or coming up with convoluted ways to keep her interested in me. Things just flowed naturally.

About six months into our relationship, I met some dude peddling “network marketing.” Shortly after meeting him, I got involved in a Multi-level Marketing company called Amway/LTD

I’m definitely not saying you or anyone else should get into an MLM, but here’s what also changed.

While my girlfriend and I were doing shit together, outside of that relationship, about all I had was work and one or two friends from work. That was it. I recently moved to the area and everyone I knew was hundreds of miles away.

This MLM, for what it’s worth, rejuvenated my ‘social network.’

I had weekly seminars, conferences, and mentorship sessions with my “upline” — who we’ll refer to as Brad.

My life had a mission, and I had a routine.

It was a misguided one, but I introduced my girlfriend into that world. I know she didn’t particularly care for it, but this relationship was more like her being part of my life, than us just dating.

It all kind of just happened organically.

She’d come along with me to meet Brad, as cringe as the whole experience was, my ex would also help me “meet strangers” to talk about that scammy MLM business, and we often went to weekly seminars together.

We were a couple, not just two strangers fucking each other.

That’s the crucial thing here, “Netflix and chill” nights, elaborately orchestrated dinner dates, or planned trips to the city or something might be great, but it’s still too easy to keep both lives compartmentalized and separated by doing this.

The Netflix & Chill phase of my life

Fast forward a few years.

Things changed. After we split up, my relationships didn’t “get off the ground” like I hoped.

While there were many factors, part of the problem is I became too cautious.

My relationships with women would flounder before turning into anything real. I had nothing to invite any of them into.

I settled for the “Netflix and chill” model like Doug. I’d invite women over without any clear, solid plan. I would just hope things would work out.

What happens is, sometimes we react to breakups and major life events in ways we wouldn’t normally. For example, when I heard my ex say

“I feel so smothered” or “I feel like your surrogate,” out of instinct, part of me pulled back to protect myself.

I wasn’t leading anymore. This is a problem a lot of guys do and they lose frame and it actually makes it harder to date or keep relationships.

They get absorbed into the woman’s world instead of bringing her into theirs.

That’s also how I ended up in a “tag-along” relationship with a girl a little over a year ago where like 98% of what we did was her stuff.

She didn’t respect me at all.

When I tried to lead without a plan

I tried to course-correct after realizing how passive I’d become.

To counteract this, I made an effort to think of things to do with the last girl I was seeing. Even to the point where I started taking notes down about “interesting” things that happened just to keep the conversation from fizzling out.

She mentioned an antique shop she wanted to go to so I took her there one day. What I found interesting was that she never appreciated that date or the fact that I remembered how she wanted to go there.

No excitement, no moment of, “Wow, I can’t believe you remembered!”

It was like we went, looked around, came back home, and that was it.

She’d often dismiss my ideas outright and we’d end up just hanging out at my place.

It got so bad that once I said, “I’m a bit hungry, are you?”

She’d say no, and instead of ignoring her like I did with my ex, and take her any way to grab something real quick, I stuffed down my appetite just to appease her.

I developed a habit of deferring to her or waiting for her approval rather than just making a decision.

Again, I didn’t lead with confidence, I second-guessed everything, and then when she left, I was met with “I don’t want to be with you because you’re too boring.”

That made me reflect on a couple of things:

It’s better to stay in alignment with yourself, stick to the plan, take the lead, even if it pushes her away — at least you’ll keep your dignity and self-respect
Have something going on once or twice a week you’re doing that you can invite her to

As I think about it now, that little stint with her probably lasted longer than it should have because she had nothing going on either.

I was an easy, convenient option. She liked me, and I’d bet money that she developed feelings for me, but she was really just trying to kill time and use me as a rebound.

It’s harder to plan awesome dates out of thin air

When I had that recollection of my mom and her boyfriend Doug, it all clicked.

If you don’t have a life, there’s nothing you can really invite her into.

I’m not saying the solution is to jam-pack your schedule with activities or get a bunch of friends, but you have to have something going on.

When I was with my ex, she was along for the ride. But when the relationship started to fail, it was around the same time I lost my purpose.

I had no direction. No drive.

(I had quit Amway and shut myself off to the world for several years — COVID didn’t help, but I grew stagnant)

When I started dating again after her, just about all the dates felt forced.

There was no existing structure or framework to pull from. It was like I had run out of steam — out of inspiration.

When you try to create something out of thin air, especially a relationship, rather than merely extending that invitation to her into your life, you’ll find it harder to pull off.

Leading is great, but women aren’t looking for a guy who just plans dates.

They want to be with a guy who has plans.

Women who are worth your time won’t put up with the “Dougs” — the ones who just sit around watching re-runs or wasting away on Call of Duty.

Those who have interesting hobbies, personal goals, or some friends attract women more easily.

Because women aren’t out there in your living room. They’re out there in the world, and you need something that will pull you out there to meet them.

Final thoughts,

That’s why if you text her at two in the morning with some nonsense, she rolls her eyes and leaves you on read.

The solution isn’t to just “plan better dates.”

You have to get out there. Do things to meet women, but also do things that are independent of dating.

Too many of us (men and women included) consume way too much and don’t create. By creating something, you open up opportunities and pathways for her to be invited into your life — that way you’re not just killing time together.

Remember, Law & Order reruns can only take you so far.

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If you’re dealing with toxic relationships, avoidant behavior, or you’re struggling to voice your needs, I put together this guide on setting boundaries, using a simple, no-BS method to set limits in dating and relationships. Download your copy here.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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