We live in a grievance culture. That is clear for all to see. Our propensity to get litigious at every opportunity, coupled with an increasing awareness of just how disadvantaged many of us are, has led to more and more finger pointing. But how can we keep this in check and avoid disempowering ourselves in the process?
It’s been said before, but does not seem to have been understood en mass (at least in the West) that: “nobody has power over you, except that which you give them.”
I’m sure we all know this on a deep level. Maybe as a result of a breakup, or a fallout with a former friend; at some point you realize that you’ve been sat there thinking about them and giving them way too much control over your emotional state. Without them even being there!
It’s very easy to get caught in thought spirals and emotional traps, but in order to grow you have to come to the inevitable conclusion that you need to choose to stop giving them that power.
The fact is that every single moment is a snapshot in time, that provides us all with the opportunity to start again. Don’t underestimate the power of that! You absolutely can start to make different choices whenever you want to.
The difficulty comes when what you consciously desire, comes into conflict with your subconscious desires.
This is something we see play out across societies, but especially ours. Changing circumstances, without bringing who we are at a subconscious level into alignment with them, will result in the ultimate restoration of the status quo. There’s a reason why 70% of lottery winners go broke. It’s because they are not wealthy people to begin with.
What that means is that they had not done the work ahead of becoming literally rich, to become wealthy at a subconscious level. “How could they?” you might argue “they didn’t know that they were going to win the lottery!” Well…yeah, but there’s a lot more to it than that.
It’s entirely arguable that the mere act of buying a lottery ticket, is reenforcing the subconscious belief that you are not, nor are you worthy of being a wealthy person. Why? Because if you were, you wouldn’t need it! The only reason anyone plays the lottery is because they see random, dumb luck as their only route to riches (and most likely: happiness). In other words: they give away their power to blind luck!
‘Armed’ with a subconscious that has been constantly fed that message, and in all probability seen nothing but losing tickets for years, it’s no wonder that in the event that they actually win, it’s incredibly uncomfortable. What follows is a fight back from the subconscious, inducing sabotaging behaviours that relieve them of their winnings until the status quo is restored.
To continue with money as an example for now; most people see its acquisition as the only remedy necessary for their woes. They look at wealthy people and money as the only differentiating factor. But think about it for more than a second and you’ll realize just how many examples of unhappy, rich people there are.
The attraction of being ‘rich’ isn’t about the money itself, but the emotional payoff it brings. It’s the relief of stress, the fun you’ll be able to have with your family, the feeling of security it will bring etc…and you can choose to start feeling those emotions any time you want.
You don’t need to cross some imaginary net-worth line in the sand!
When we look at life satisfaction and ‘happiness’ statistics across the last 15 or so years, we can see that in the western world, they’re declining. Not drastically or anything like that, but according to Gallup World Poll data; we’re not as happy as we were in the mid-2000s. This despite living in the most plentiful, abundant, advanced era in history.
Why?
Our conscious/intellectual brains have cooked up a reality that our prehistoric/subconscious minds simply have not caught up with. We have access to pretty much the combined knowledge of the human race, instantly at will! There’s no way that we can possibly process it all objectively and rationally, so we fall prey to narratives that claim to process it for us.
We must be careful which of these narratives we buy into though. Of course: everyone has a story. We are all filters for reality and in doing so; craft our own lived experience. That’s a beautiful thing. But as we see more and more now; people desperate for someone to make sense of all this information for them, can often fall afoul of those who would seek to misinform or control them.
If we are to be better men, fathers, sons, brothers; we must be better leaders. That doesn’t mean that we should take power from, or seek to control others. It means that we need to reclaim our own power and stop outsourcing responsibility for our lives. We need to show the way.
All too often, we recoil from having the finger pointed at us, especially in times of hardship. That’s perfectly natural. But instead of seeing it like we’re being kicked when we’re down, and being blamed; why not reframe it as a moment of empowerment?
When life isn’t going our way, it can often give us the ammunition we crave to get us off the hook. If there’s something outside of ourselves that we can point to, that takes the heat off us: bingo! It’s like junk food for our soul and an opiate for our ego. The short term fix is never enough and in the long-term, it stops our growth and destroys us.
Again though: this is not about victim blaming. In the moment, or the aftermath of a negative event – it’s perfectly understandable to blame external forces. Blame your parents, blame the government, blame God! The key is your intention. Doing this in the moment because you need that release of energy, just to clear yourself and come back to center: that’s a positive/expansive intention. Continuing to do so, long after said event should have any hold over you: that is simply trapping yourself and keeping you powerless.
Hey look: we’ve all been there, especially when we’re around others who are in the same boat. It’s like a feedback loop. We all get a kick out of complaining and demonstrating how the deck is stacked against us. And you must not beat yourself up about that either, otherwise you’re once again holding yourself in a negative space and (again) staying stuck in the past.
If we can bring our awareness to where we are spending time in our heads, without judging ourselves and instead redirect our thoughts to the present moment: we can reclaim our power to create new outcomes. Complaining about the past and imagining a future that hasn’t happened yet, is simply not living in the real world.
Being responsible is not the same as being at fault. It’s empowering to to own it all and be comfortable with that. If you need help in getting to a place where you can do that, there are lots of great resources out there. I’d recommend starting with any of the free (or paid) resources that help you focus your awareness, such as meditations or guided visualisations. Get your mind back to the only place that is real – now. This is your bedrock. the present is the only place from which you can create. From there – you have the power to choose whatever you want.
—
This post is republished on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
 |
 |
 |
 |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock
