Do we attack or do we inquire? Do we seek to connect or to dominate?
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St. Paul, Minnesota Therapist and Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Stewart is asking us to examine the ways in which we engage dialogue in our relationships. Arguably, the questions he asks us to consider can be applied to any dialogue we might engage in, personal, professional, political, religious or otherwise.
Dr. Stewart writes:
The core of my work is inviting people to develop more curiosity about themselves, others, and their world. Sometimes, instead of doubting what we know, we come to believe so strongly in what we know that it becomes an unwavering “certainty” that results in rigidity and fundamentalism.
When we are caught up in excessive certainty we easily bully and overpower others with our self-righteousness, our “truth”, our reality. But our reality, our truth is not the other person’s reality or their truth. Respectful relationships have large doses of curiosity. By this I mean genuine interest in others, genuine curiosity about the world, genuine openness and curiosity about the other’s story. their experiences, their beliefs, their “reality.” Too much certainty is another way of having too much pride, and we know where that ends up. It’s no accident that the tragic flaw in the classic Greek dramas like Oedipus Rex was pride, the unwillingness to question one’s own certainties.”
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Dr. Stewart poses a series of questions we can ask to better understand the kind of curiosity we employ in our relationships. Its a simple but powerful set of ideas about how we function socially. Do we attack or do we inquire? Do we seek to connect or to dominate?
Dr Stewart’s web page on curiosity and certainty is here. Here is what he says:
Caring Curiosity
- has an attitude of genuine interest in the other person
- does not assume, but instead asks questions
- seeks clarification
- seeks new knowledge
- has benign intentions
- delights in learning
- is willing to be changed by the conversation
- wants to disover your stories
The Lover – The Healer
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Hostile Curiosity
- is interested to the extent that new information will provide leverage
- asks questions to confirm assumptions
- seeks clarification for the purposes of entrapment
- seeks new knowledge for the purposes of tripping up the other person
- has intentions to overpower, control, or demean the other
- learns only as much as is deemed necessary
- is not willing to be changed by the conversation
- wants to manipulate your stories
The Prosecuting Attorney – The Manipulator
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Temporary Certainty
- is pretty sure what happened, yet is open to other points of view
- is fairly confident, but still asks questions to expand the picture
- knows that absolute clarity is never fully attained
- seeks new knowledge to fill in the gaps
- has intentions to act, be effective, with sensitivity and caution
- in always open to revising conclusions
- is willing to be changed by the conversation
- wants to know the nuances and meanings of your stories
The Critical Thinker – The Scientist
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Permanent Certainty
- assumes one knows what happened – “this is the way it is” – no questions • assumes one has an “objective” point of view
- assumes utter clarity of perceptions
- does not see the need to seek new knowledge
- has intentions of imposing a particular point of view
- isn’t interested in new learning other than to reinforce previous views
- is not willing to be changed by the conversation
- wants to impose it’s own story onto yours
The Rigid Fundamentalist – The Bully
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On Curiosity – Questions to ponder . . .
- What were your experiences of curiosity in your own family ?
- Who else in your life has had an impact on your attitude of curiosity ?
- In what contexts have you learned or turned to curiosity ?
- What effects might curiosity have on your relationships ?
- What effects does curiosity have on your learning ?
- Under what circumstances do you feel least like being curious?
- Under what circumstances does curiosity seem necessary ?
On Certainty – Questions to ponder . . .
- What were your experiences of certainty in your own family ?
- Who else in your life has had an impact on your attitude of certainty ?
- In what contexts have you learned or turned to certainty ?
- What effects might certainty have on your relationships ?
- What effects does certainty have on your learning ?
- Under what circumstances do you feel least like being certain?
- Under what circumstances does certainty seem necessary ?
Learn more about Dr. Stewart’s work.
Download a .pdf of Dr. Stewart’s “Four themes on Curiosity & Certainty”
Photo by: Frederick Dennstedt
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