Mark Greene talks about the ways in which shame kills men’s courage for living and loving.
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For Americans, shaming is how we make people do what we want.
We use shame as a heavy-handed short cut in our adult relationships. We use it in our political and public discourses. Whether its about the cultural, the sexual, the religious, or the social, we don’t just disagree, we shame those who don’t speak or behave in ways we approve of. We express shock, anger and outrage at their core personhood. We say, “you should be ashamed of who you are.”
Shaming for Men Begins As Children
In an article for Psychology Today titled “Don’t Shame Children in Pursuit of Discipline,” Dr. Peggy Drexler has this to say about shame and children.
Often when we talk about shaming, we talk about the obvious forms: spanking or other physical punishments, public reprimand. But there are other, subtler ways that parents shame their children in the pursuit of discipline. These include making a child feel guilty, deficient, or “bad”; a source of trouble; just plain dumb… As a form of behavior modification, though, shaming — whether obvious or subtle — is ineffective and even destructive.
In 2012, 77% of men, and 65% of women, 18 to 65 years old, agreed that a child sometimes needs a “good hard spanking.”
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A large percentage of parents, intentionally or unintentionally, rely on shaming as their primary parenting tool. Take for example, spanking. Child Trends Data Bank reports that in 2012 a nationally representative survey showed 77 percent of men, and 65 percent of women 18 to 65 years old agreed that a child sometimes needs a “good hard spanking.”
I can only imagine how many of these parents were thinking primarily of boys.
Child Trends notes:
Use of corporal punishment is linked to negative outcomes for children (e.g., delinquency, antisocial behavior, psychological problems, and alcohol and drug abuse), and may be indicative of ineffective parenting. Research also finds that the number of problem behaviors observed in adolescence is related to the amount of spanking a child receives. The greater the age of the child, the stronger the relationship.
Dr. Saliha Bava, a couples and family therapist with a practice in New York City, puts it simply:
“There is no circumstance in which shaming others is a valid response. Shaming is an act of violence. Do you want to create a culture of love, compassion, caring and discovery? Or do you want to create a culture of violence?”
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Having been raised in the American culture of shame, many American men do a curious thing. We seek out a romantic partner, form a relationship and then we immediately start monitoring the relationship for which parts of us do not meet with our partner’s approval.
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Men and Emotional Self Amputation
Many American men do a curious thing, especially when we are young. We seek out a romantic partner, form a relationship and then immediately start tracking our partners responses to what they are learning about us.
We take even the slightest indications of confusion or uncertainty in our partner as adequate cause to suppress those parts of ourselves which might not be a good fit for them. The process around our sexual desires can be doubly challenging. Especially for those of us who have been shamed about their sexual needs or, when we were younger, shamed about the initial exploration of our bodies.
The degree to which men are ready to suppress distinctive and intimate parts of ourselves as automatically warranting disapproval is a staggering testament to the power of shame in our lives.
The degree to which men are ready to suppress the most distinctive and intimate parts of ourselves as automatically warranting disapproval is a staggering testament to the power of shame in our lives.
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The Man Box
American men face an oppressive set of sexual and cultural restrictions on how to perform masculinity. One collective set of these cultural expectations is often referred to as the Man Box. (Charlie Glickman defines the Man Box beautifully here.) The smallest social or sexual deviations from these rules can result in punitive private and public shaming, by other men, by our partners, by our families.
Our culture’s voracious appetite for condemning difference leaves men little in the way of flexibility in how they live their lives. In order to avoid behind shamed, a man who dreams of being sexually submissive may choose to never share this with his partner. Or a man who is inclined toward family life instead of professional pursuits may still go to the office every day. American men are trapped in a narrow definition of how to perform masculinity. Breaking out can be hugely challenging. This applies to even the smallest aspects of our lives.
If you doubt this, see what happens to the average American man who wears bright pink socks for a day. See how many micro aggressions and shaming moments arise. This may be the land of the free, but most of us aren’t free to even pick our own socks.
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Surrendering Without a Fight
When American men are told they don’t share their emotions, it is this intense and ongoing process of self-editing that is playing out. Our partners, be they men or women, are witnessing the habitual suppression of parts of our emotional landscapes that we have deemed to be too challenging, too messy, or too non-masculine for our partners to witness. And when we do share details of those emotional landscapes, we often find our partners unable to manage the emotional challenges these revelations can create because, as a society, we have never encouraged the capacities we need to navigate and explore these landscapes with each other. It takes a partner of significant emotional capacity to manage to flood of emotions that can emerge when men or women are free to reveal their hidden emotional sides.
Herein lies the great tragedy of the culture of shame. It is an insidious mechanism for shutting down whole areas of possibility before they ever have an chance to be explored. We surrender the field without a fight.
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And so, herein lies the great tragedy of the culture of shame. It is an insidious mechanism for shutting down whole areas of possibility before they ever have an chance to be explored. As men, we surrender the field without a fight. Instead of braving the unknown, and working through the miscommunication that often marks new relationships, men quickly jump to culturally acceptable scripts, in a panic to affirm that we can successfully perform masculinity in approved ways. These scripts include a range of stereotypes such as:
- Man as provider
- Man as decisive
- Man as having the final word
- Man as sexually aggressive
- Man as emotionally stoic
- Man as straight
- Man as sports focused
- and so on…
We assume that women want these aspects in men, even as women assume men aspire to perform them. Women, like men, are victims of the same sets of cultural expectations, miscommunications, fears and shame. Accordingly, the conversations about richer alternatives don’t take place. It is in this way that the culture of shame collectively enforces conformity and control over men and women.
Having been shamed, we willingly suppress whatever is within us that does not conform to prevailing cultural standards. Precisely because we have been shamed, for us, everything we are is suspect. We can only imagine someone wanting us in spite of our secret needs and aspirations, never because of them. The culture of shame suppresses our capacity to value what is good, strong and loving in our distinctness.
Accordingly, we eventually become discouraged with each narrowly defined relationship and move on to the next, in which we again self-edit. We bury the non normative parts of ourselves that are pathways to a richer more fully engaged life. It is this shame-driven cycle of self suppression, that contributes to the vast sense of disconnection and isolation so indicative of modern American life.
And when we witness someone who is breaking out of gender or sexual stereotypes, we rush to shame and punish them, because they threaten to dig up of the forbidden sides of ourselves that we have buried in a potter’s field somewhere. It is the external and internal suppression of men’s desires and aspirations that contributes to epidemic levels of male anger and reactivity, male depression, alcoholism, domestic violence, divorce and suicide.
When we dispose of the vibrant non-conforming parts of emotional selves, we are left with unfulfilling lives. We end up slogging through our days, trapped in the limiting confines of the Man Box. And no amount of religion, sex, sports, financial success, or cultural conformity will address the gap this loss creates in us. It is a gap between ourselves and the vibrant, unpredictable, celebratory life that eludes us.
AND NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS: Can men overcome the drumbeat of shame in our daily lives? The answer is yes. And here’s how.
Dr. Saliha Bava has a simple and powerful answer for men who are dealing with the culture of shame: talk about it.
“Shame thrives on confusion and misunderstanding. When you illuminate shame by talking about it, its power diminishes. When we talk about shame, as shame, we can explore it and bring our more private aspirations forward. Once we learn to speak about those aspirations, we can become more comfortable doing so in an ongoing way.
Shame is also deeply personal. We can not know what others view as shaming unless we talk with them about it. And this includes our friends, wives, husbands, parents and children.
“When we talk openly about the culture of shame, the activity of talking shifts the culture. In the moment we speak, we change our path forward.”When we talk openly about the culture of shame, the activity of talking shifts the culture. In the moment we speak, we change our path forward. Change our lives. We have the power to replace the culture of shame with something new that is getting created. What I choose to create is called the culture of permission. You may want to choose something different. Perhaps, for you, it is a culture of compassion. Or a culture of adventure.
As couples and families, we can create these conversational spaces in which we talk with curiosity about what shame is for us as individuals. We can create spaces for listening. Create spaces for difference.
These are meant to be ongoing conversations. That weave in and out of our daily talk. As part of this, we can help ourselves identify moments of shaming. We can learn to spot shame when it appears. Once we see shame for what it is, we can identify it throughout our lives and guard against letting it have a hold on us.”
Dr. Bava’s point is clear. If men don’t talk about the messages we give and get; if we don’t clarify our aspirations for ourselves, the culture of shame will, by default, define our lives for us.
So let’s start pushing back against the culture of shame by bringing our full emotional selves out of the shadows and into the light. Let’s make the choice to talk about what we truly want and need in our relationships, and lets start by talking with the people we love most.
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To read our companion article on shame, go here: How America’s Culture of Shame a Killer for Boys
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Get a powerful collection of Mark Greene’s articles, in his book, REMAKING MANHOOD–Available now in print and on Kindle Reader for Windows, Macs, Android, iPhones and iPads
Remaking Manhood is a collection of Mark Greene’s most widely shared articles on American culture, relationships, family and parenting. It is a timely and balanced look at the issues at the heart of the modern masculinity movement. Mark’s articles on masculinity and manhood have received over 100,000 FB shares and 10 million page views. Get Remaking Manhood IN PRINT or on the free Kindle Reader app for any Mac, Windows or Android device here.
Read more by Mark Greene:
A Manifesto: Relational Intelligence For Our Children
Helping Our Children Create a Lifetime of Vibrant Relationships
The Ugly and Violent Death of Gender Conformity
When “Check Your Male Privilege” Becomes a Bludgeon
Why Are Death Rates Rising for Middle Aged White Americans?
When Men Keep Demanding Sex From Their Partners Over and Over
How the Man Box Can Kill Our Sons Now or Decades from Now
Why Traditional Manhood is Killing Us
Why Do We Murder the Beautiful Friendships of Boys?
How America’s Culture of Shame is a Killer for Boys
The Culture of Shame: Men, Love, and Emotional Self-Amputation
The Man Box: Why Men Police and Punish Others
The Man Box: The Link Between Emotional Suppression and Male Violence
The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer
Touch Isolation: How Homophobia Has Robbed All Men of Touch
Boys and Self-Loathing: The Conversations That Never Took Place
The Dark Side of Women’s Requests of Progressive Men
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Read more by Mark Greene:
Guess What? Women Also Struggle With Emotional Expression
When “Check Your Male Privilege” Becomes a Bludgeon
How the Man Box Can Kill Our Sons Now or Decades from Now
Why Do We Murder the Beautiful Friendships of Boys
The Man Box: Why Men Police and Punish Others
The Man Box: The Link Between Emotional Suppression and Male Violence
The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer
Touch Isolation: How Homophobia Has Robbed All Men of Touch
Boys and Self-Loathing: The Conversations That Never Took Place
The Dark Side of Women’s Requests of Progressive Men
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I’m surprised that anger-violence and lack of father’s love and affirmation aren’t mentioned as causes of internalized shame. I spent my entire pre-adolescence with a loving mother and trying to impress a father shutdown by a brutal adopted childhood. I internalized this as not being good enough, loveable, likeable, as an imposter – even when I excelled at every sport, topped every class, and had a fun social life … beneath the surface remained this dark evil which drags me down even now in my fifties.
Women have been successful of creating a culture in which they cannot be shamed. through the media and entertainment, they have spread the mantra “women and kids can do whatever they want, men don’t matter”. Every plot in every movie and tV show now sends the message that women and children deserve respect, and that they can do whatever they want. Any man who disrespects the protected groups is severely punished , beaten or killed in most modern fiction. On the other hand the respect and sacrifice he gives does not have to be returned, as he is lucky just… Read more »
late to the conversation… Mark, thanks for creating this conversation. My comments come from a different worldview than yours, but I springboard off of the bold subject you’re confronting here. I would very much like to run into you some day to continue the conversation. I’ve come to explore my emotional ‘landscape’ more intimately than many I know, and while speaking about or naming what’s going inside of us is surely a doorway to making changes, the emotional wounding that precedes any cultural or social playout begins as children of course, and often as infants. Despite what science observes and… Read more »
Important article about the role of shame in shaping young lives. I can see how men might be impacted in some subtle ways that make it hard to navigate emotionally. All of us — women and men– face difficult decisions about how to be authentic in the world. Please men, do not expect all women in your life to carry that load for you. But those who truly enjoy male friends love to make room for men who are willing to be real. We can even find you attractive and charming but don’t necessarily want to sleep with most of… Read more »
i disagree. A grown man cannot be shamed unless he allows it. Painting men as victims of shaming just relieves them of responsibility for their choices. Stop with the encouragement of victimhood.
Is that some kind of pull yourself up by your emotional bootstraps comment? Much of the damage done to men takes place when they are toddlers and young boys. Acknowledging the role of shame in our lives is the first step to putting an end to it. It won’t happen in a perpetual state of denial. And it won’t happen when people like you seek to silence the right of others to have this conversation.
I am not seeking to silence anyone. I would rather we acknowledge that the ability to freely express ourselves and our true feelings also means being accountable for the consequences of our conduct. I agree that my first post was terse after re-reading it, I have taken a journey to deal with my own emotional issues and encourage all men and women to do the same. Look inside themselves. Identify and face their fears. My earlier comment was borne from having one too many conversations with people who see shame in everyone else’s actions but their own. Please have the… Read more »
Thanks, Philly,
I think I got a bit terse myself. How about we call it even?
If shame, and victimhood is the currency of modern American politics??? than lets get some going!!!
I find this simplistic and not useful, and it ignores the reality that shame paralyses men, boys, teens and destroys lives and relationships – through all the subtle channels – not the media or the messages of victim culture – before boys and young men even get their first cell phone they have absorbed thousands of subtle messages that masculinity is toxic, that they’re sexual perverts. rapists, violent, aggressive, crude etc etc I suggest you stand up at the funeral of a man who committed suicide due to his shame – won’t be hard to find one – and tell… Read more »
@Joe… I’m paraphrasing, a man /woman is not free until they have the courage to challenge every assumption they live by…powerful stuff man…you have to go into the cave man by yourself and confront yourself…that is the upside to the abuse I suffered…it made it much easier to question everything and in so doing I found the answers I needed.
Shaming is a central component is how Afrcan American children are raised,especially boys.Adrain Peterson, is from east TX, like my mom, went through the ritual as a child,so he is raising his sons the same way.It should be noted that men who suffer physical and mental abuse,often at the hands of a black mother,are more likely to committ dv and other abuses against men too.Charles Barkley says he got whooped and he turned out ok.I guess,he does not consider throwing a man through a plate glass window,or breaking anothers man’s jaw in a parking lot in Milwaukee a big deal.Child… Read more »
This would make a powerful article, Ogwriter. Let me know if you want to write about this.
OG…not dissing the good men project here, they do some good work, but you should also check out some other outlets in the mens rights movement (MRM), that are not afraid to talk about the violence of mothers against children.
I did and was turned off by drumming circles and giving each man an animal moniker. Laughable.
Hi, Please make these comments broader. I hate to see someone use this person’s comments to support some worldview that African Americans are somehow more dysfunctional than other ethnic groups. It simply is not true, I got whooped as a kid too.
Shaming is a central component is how Afrcan American children are raised,especially boys.Adrain Peterson went through the ritual as a child,so he is raising his sons the same way.It should be noted that men who suffer physical and mental abuse,often at the hands of a black mother,are more likely to committ dv and other abuses against men too.Charles Barkley says he got whooped and he turned out ok.I guess,he does not consider throwing a man through a plate glass window,or breaking anothers man’s jaw in a parking lot in Milwaukee a big deal.Child abuse in the African American community is… Read more »
What causes DV if not abusive behavior (many times learned from parents), control and anger issues or psychopathy? The abuser(s) causes DV, abusive behavior can come from an abusive past or not.
Child abuse in the African American community is rampant and is hidden behind memes about masculinity.
I think its more than masculinity. Think about all the memes, jokes, and comments about how a black mom wouldn’t put up with unruly behavior from her child like a white mom would. In fact I just saw a meme pic the other day. It was of Daffy Duck picking his beak up off he ground with the caption, “That one time a black talked back to his mamma.”.
Interesting point danny. I read somewhere that in 1920 85% of Black children grew up into the security of a father led 2 parent family, and as of the 2010 census only 12% of black children now grow up in a father led 2 parent family.
Some would easily suggest this is the holocaust of the black American family…. and its interesting that no one is really discussing this outside of the MRM.
Don’t really know if the “good men project” considers itself within the MRM ( mens rights movement) sphere or not??? But had to put it out there!!
Mark, Insightful and empowering ideas here. I learned through my life experience that in order for a person (male or female) to decide to risk……..to decide to intimately share about themselves with another they first need to think new and empowering thoughts about who they are and what they deserve in the world before they can create new results in their life. A person has to change their self concept first before a risky action is undertaken. A new way of thinking about ourselves requires us to replace erroneous “shameful thoughts” that we previously learned and believed about ourselves with… Read more »
This is a great article, Mark. I appreciate its basic point. I do have one important criticism, though. I think you give short shrift to the very real risks that a man faces if he does reveal aspects of himself that do not fit comfortably into the ‘socially approved’ set of emotional expressions. Those risks exist even with emotional intimates. In the best case scenario, the friend or mate appreciates the newly-revealed authentic person. Perhaps they tolerate it. But in the worst case scenario, they pull away in unease or disgust. And the worst case scenarios are not uncommon, sadly.… Read more »
Thanks for your comments, ballgame, No such subtext intended. As I say in the article: “And when we do share details of those emotional landscapes, we often find our partners unable to manage the emotional challenges these revelations can create because, as a society, we have never encouraged the capacities we need to navigate and explore these landscapes with each other.” As for the pit falls of revealing our emotions to our partners, I have written about this issue a lot. Men typically find the most unrelenting voices for conformity in their own beds (as do women). In the article… Read more »
Shame, Very important topic and difficult mental health challenge for many people. I would like to add to the discussion an even greater damaging consequence of parental shaming. The child is being made responsible for the parents emotional state in that moment. If continued shaming is utilized, the child is inculcated with the responsibility for the parents day to day emotional states. This sets up an internalized double bind in the child of pleasing others first to gain exceptanc, love, safety, self esteem in general. Resulting in paralyzing ambivalence for the child, influencing feelings and choices for themselves and others.… Read more »
Excellent article.
Thanks, Paul.