“Every time you do this, you become less free. A rat in a cage. A dog on a chain. A prisoner.”
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A while back, Met’s baseball player Daniel Murphy chose to take parental leave. The resulting debate swamped the internet for days. The overheated discussion see-sawed between angry condemnations of Murphy’s decision to attend the birth of his baby and equally vehement support for his choice. It played out on every major broadcast network and every morning sports page.
Murphy made a decision that is unusual for a professional athlete. And because professional sport is the holy grail of American masculinity, Murphy has taken a beating for his choice.
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Murphy made a decision that is unusual for a professional athlete. And because professional sport is the holy grail of American masculinity, Murphy took a beating for his choice. Mostly this beating has come in the form of newspaper articles quoting outraged fans. Because, well, they’re fans. And fans are supposed to be ignorant hot-headed idiots. That’s why we love them, right?
Sports page editors can smile and say, “Hey, we’re just reporting the news.” Meanwhile, the attack on Murphy’s parental leave choice amplifies. Emboldened by the uproar, nationally known sports commentators mocked Murphy’s choice on sports radio, triggering a second backlash in support of Murphy.
I think the backlash against the backlash surprised some people in the man-centric sports world. To those who support Murphy’s choice, I say thank you.
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This high profile policing and ensuing cultural fire fight around one man’s personal decision raises a much bigger question. How much policing of this kind is aimed at men every day? And from how many directions? How many macro and micro aggressions are used every hour to control men? To make them behave like “real men.” Just how bad is it?
I’ll tell you how bad it is. It’s f**king horrible.
And the worse part is, men are so used to adjusting to accommodate this crap we hardly notice we’re doing it. A sideways glance here, a raised eyebrow there, it doesn’t take much to signal when we’re failing to to act like real men. We have to watch what we say, how we speak, how we walk, point, and gesture, what we discuss, how we dress, what we drive, who we date and how we greet, address and express affection for the people in our lives. The wrong color socks can start jokes about our masculinity. Seriously. Socks.
Men in America are subject to an endless list of stringent perimeters from within which we are expected to perform masculinity. All of us, every single person in America, lives with the same set of asinine rules that has come to be called the Man Box. For us men, these rules are diligently policed and enforced by the other men, women and even children in our lives. In our “boys wear blue, girls wear pink world,” children begin enforcing these rules by the time they are in kindergarten. If you’re a man, just wear a pink shirt in front of your first grader and see how quickly you hear about it.
The Man Box specifies a mind numbing array of rules for being a real man including:
- Real men do not talk about their emotions, except for anger
- Real men are bread winners not care givers
- Real men play sports and support sports teams
- Real men are able bodied and physically strong
- Real men are hetero-normative and sexually dominant in and out of the bedroom
- Real men are leaders and have the final word in any discussion
- Real men are never out of work
- Real men are never uncertain or in need of help
Men who chose (or are forced) to reside in the Man Box are the first to talk about freedom and personal liberty. The fact that they are living within the mind numbingly narrow perimeters of the Man Box is so deeply ironic that it boggles the mind.
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Men who chose (or are forced) to reside in the Man Box are the first to talk about freedom and personal liberty. The fact that they are living within the mind numbingly narrow perimeters of the Man Box is so deeply ironic that it boggles the mind.
Men who follow the rules of the Man Box are anything but free. Seriously, bend your wrist the wrong way and you’re labeled as homosexual. Hold your son if he cries on the playground and you’re making him a wimp. And god forbid you publicly or even privately express uncertainty, sorrow or fear. In that moment, you have failed those who depend on you to be unerringly strong, stoic and dependable.
And that is how the Man Box controls men. By threatening any man who does not conform with expulsion and forcing them to suppress any part of themselves, sexual, social, racial, professional, or otherwise that does not fit the mold of “real manhood.”
Which begs the question. Who is truly tough, brave, courageous? Those who conform inside the Man Box, suppressing their own individuality and punishing others, or those who who reject the Man Box and live with all the personal and professional risk of attack that implies?
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I have no problem with any man who chooses to perform masculinity in what is thought of as traditional ways. Any man can make this choice and not be in the Man Box. You are only in the Man Box if you enforce this view of manhood as the only acceptable version. The days of what was once considered to be “typically American” are already passing. America is becoming more diverse. The Man Box is coming apart at the seams. The sooner the better. But it is still a powerful force.
Meanwhile, if you are living in the Man Box, bullying others to be what is supposedly a “real man”, you are not free. Every time you attack another for not behaving the way you think a real man should, you become less free. When you attack gays or nerds or some spindly kid with pimples. When you attack a person who is overweight, or a kid who can’t quite kick a football. When you attack a boy who’s got a strange accent or a man who is homeless. When you attack a person because of the color of his skin or his country of origin. And yes, when you attack a sports figure for wanting to attend his baby’s birth. Every time you do this, you become less free. More trapped. A rat in a cage. A dog on a chain. A prisoner.
Every time you do this, you become less free. More trapped. A rat in a cage. A dog on a chain. A prisoner. |
The rigid Man Box agenda is never going to make any man happy or truly at peace. It will only make a few men at the top of this abusive societal pyramid scheme rich. And as we all know, even very rich men can be some pretty miserable bastards. Apparently, its an ugly revelation, finding out that the top of the heap provides little in the way of human connection or emotional security. Just more distrust of why and how human’s interact. Why is this person talking to me? What do they want? What are they after?
Please, choose to be a traditional American man. If that is how you want to perform masculinity, that’s fine. Its one good way to do it. But isn’t it about time we collectively said, “Enough of this crap about what a real man is!” None of us really knows. There are too many ways to be a real man. Too many colors, styles, sizes, sounds and emotions that make up what it means to be a real man.
But I can tell you one thing for sure. The moment you ditch the part of the Man Box that says everyone has to be like you, you free all of us. Men, women and children. Loud, quiet, athletic and bookish, gay and straight, black, brown and white, rich, poor, strong, weak, religious and heathen alike, you free us all.
But the person is who is really set free when you break out of the Man Box? You free yourself.
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Photo: Steve Gibson
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Read more by Mark Greene:
A Manifesto: Relational Intelligence For Our Children
The Ugly and Violent Death of Gender Conformity
When “Check Your Male Privilege” Becomes a Bludgeon
Why Are Death Rates Rising for Middle Aged White Americans?
When Men Keep Demanding Sex From Their Partners Over and Over
How the Man Box Can Kill Our Sons Now or Decades from Now
Why Traditional Manhood is Killing Us
Why Do We Murder the Beautiful Friendships of Boys?
How America’s Culture of Shame is a Killer for Boys
The Culture of Shame: Men, Love, and Emotional Self-Amputation
The Man Box: Why Men Police and Punish Others
The Man Box: The Link Between Emotional Suppression and Male Violence
The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer
Touch Isolation: How Homophobia Has Robbed All Men of Touch
Boys and Self-Loathing: The Conversations That Never Took Place
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On Facebook, my friend posted about an encounter at the local Starbucks… The guy in front of him loudly announced that he was picking up his coffee WITHOUT “that sissy sleeve”…. The post got a lot of funny responses from our friends… I wrote in response: ” Real men have second degree burns on their hands
….Did he order quiche with that…?”
🙂
“The Man Box” being passed down from generation to generation” And I’m so glad that so called “man box” was passed down to me in that not only did I have that base to work with, I expanded it to who I am today and didn’t discard it as though it was something bad. Feel free to read https://goodmenproject.com/everyday-life-2/kt-unexpected-letters-family/ …. may shed some light on how that “man box” surely did me no harm.
Tom. One more time. Because I so very much love a challenge. Like talking to someone who refuses to hear me for instance.
My issue isn’t with traditional men. My issue is with traditional men who demand that others behave in the same way as they do. Who insist that their way to perform masculinity is the only acceptable way. And who threaten, condemn, abuse and attack anyone who disagrees.
You are not in the Man Box if you are not doing this.
Mark, you and I are not so far apart about this and I completely agree that forcing or guilt men/boys into a what they perceive to be a “man” is wrong. My only sore point is that it appears that the image of such men is often times the macho guys or those that hold what’s perceived as tradictionsl. I worshiped the ground my dad walked on and wish he were still alive (not sure what he’d be like at 100) but he was a great man. But as great as he was, I wanted to be a tad better… Read more »
Actually tom, research was just published that while insecurities may begin the thought process of becoming a bully, the actual activity of being a bully is primarily because these people are just plain assholes. They are just plain mean and in Adlerian view have learned a tactic to move from the inferior to the superior, and hence have lost their insecurities.
This article Mark should be required reading in schools today. I think it would begin to alleviate the bullying expererienced and protect them from lawsuits.
“suppressing one’s own individuality and punishing others…” Brilliant essay, Mark…! The robotic conformity is stifling to say the least…yes, and it is weird watching the mandates of “The Man Box” being passed down from generation to generation…we encourage our 13 year old son to explore his interests and to find what lights his fire…it is weird to hear that his best friend, who comes from an abusive family, is trying to boss him around and telling him what he should and shouldn’t do….I think my 13 year old son can figure out for himself that guitar lessons is plenty of… Read more »
Murphys decision is a ‘no brainer’ and it opens a sore spot for me. 23 years ago this Sept.9th, my son was born and I missed it because I went to work. Work was scarce at the time and money was becoming even more scarce. I was slowly failing at providing and staying employed. So the ‘Man Box’ won. Looking back, that money I made that day, oh it helped, but it didn’t ‘make or break’ us. If God himself came down and said “OK , here’s the deal, you get 1 moment in your past to ‘do over'”, although… Read more »
My boyfriend was talking to me about this just the other night. This article seems to be saying there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be a traditional or non-traditional man…the issue comes when we dehumanize men for not living up to certain standards…or take it upon ourselves to say “A isn’t a REAL man because x,y and z.” Mark, I would be really interested in reading a follow-up piece on any suggestions you’d have for how to go about getting out of the box. I understand that spreading awareness like this gives us an opportunity to create a safer… Read more »
Wow. That’s a powerful question, Michelle. Actually, your support for him to do this would be a major step. You would be surprised how many men are forced to toe the line by their spouses or girlfriends. I’ll give your suggestion some thought. Thanks.
I wish I could star this reply a million times. The number of times I’ve heard women complain their men weren’t emotional enough but cut them down when they showed emotion. As for me, I embrace a man fully, as he is: happy, sad, annoyed, whatever that looks like on the rainbow spectrum of emotions. And, I’ve had more than one man tell me they felt safe, like they could truly be themselves. My husband and I try hard to bring this to our son. There is the backbone of integrity that we work with, but how he expresses himself… Read more »
But isn’t it about time we collectively said, “Enough of this crap about what a real man is!” None of us really knows. There are too many ways to be a real man. Too many colors, styles, sizes, sounds and emotions that make up what it means to be a real man.” Yet the colors of your perceived “traditional role” is viewed in negative light. I don’t know what barbaric community you live or came from but only with exception, I don’t see the wide majority of men/boys inflicting harm on others because they don’t fit a “mold.” Does it… Read more »
Actually Tom, I go to great lengths to state more than once that the role of traditional male is perfectly okay. It’s forcing others to also live that way that I take issue with. This is very clear in my article, so your complaint leaves me puzzled. Here is one quote from the article: “Please, choose to be a traditional American man. If that is how you want to perform masculinity, that’s fine. Its one good way to do it.” As for your feeling sickened. I am sickened by the abuse and violence heaped on gay people and others who… Read more »
Tom- I’m getting the same vibe as you. Trust your gut.
CW, needless to say, my response to Marks latest response ended up not being here. But that’s okay. I know who I am and I’m okay with it. I hold what’s been categorized as a “traditional role” and I’m gonna continue without hesitation.
My gut is right and that’s what’s so darn hard sometimes…..
Defining and popularizing the notion of the Man Box is a great contribution of GMP to gender theory. Thumbs up for that!
A real man – cries at sad movies A real man – is sensitive and nurturing A real man – is okay with not being the breadwinner A real man – would rather watch old movies then sports A real man – uses hair care products, moisturizers and creams A real man ……. (fill in the blank) Ya see what I mean? The “Man Box” can be any box where someone somewhere is trying to define the limits of a man. But it appears that the only “box” that’s ever identified (and identified in a negative way) is the one… Read more »
Tom. No one is out on the street kicking someone else’s ass when they refuse to use hair care products. You are blithely skipping over the central point of the Man Box. The Man Box requires its participants enforce on others what is viewed as normative. The man box enforces what is normative through methods subtle and openly brutal, to the point even of committing murder, what you call “just being a man.” Matthew Shepherd was strung up on a barbed wire fence for being gay by men who had been taught all their lives what it means to be… Read more »
Feminism was very careful not to degrade or down play the traditional roles of women. Feminism “expanded” those roles. I feel that part of their success was that they accepted those roles as to what they are and added awareness as to what women could also be. Allowing society to open the doors. I don’t see the same thing happening to men. I see men being categorized in some way shape or form, men being told that they’re broken in some way. Men aren’t broken, men come in all colors, shapes and sizes and we should be celebrating men in… Read more »
what bothers me is how we are so freely using the term “real” men, especially when it comes to more traditional roles. I’ve never equated these roles or any other as being defined as “real” men but simply men. It’s as though these roles are being mocked and men who maintain those roles are being shamed for having them. And who made up these rules? Some men do not talk about their emotions, except for anger (something that has to be worked on) Some men are bread winners not care givers (which is simply who some men are) Some men… Read more »
Some men don’t play sports and support sports teams (so?)
I totally agree that traditional masculine roles can be highly restrictive. At this point in American society, those roles may be far more restrictive and narrower than women’s roles. I too wish that more men would see traditional roles as a choice to make instead of something mandatory. Unfortunately, it’s not a very easy choice to make for many men, because as you mention there are thousands of little social sanctions against stepping out of the box. (And not just by other men – women can be even worse than men when it comes to shaming “unmanly” men….) Ultimately we’re… Read more »