Why Their Fights Look Different

Did you ever meet a couple that seemed perfect at first glance? They never have an argument. They always have tons to agree upon, and they are in total bliss…until you hear their first argument’s fallout. Then boom, just like that, the illusion of a perfect relationship is shattered.

Every healthy couple argues. The difference between healthy couples and unhealthy ones often lies in how they argue. Ever wonder what makes emotionally mature couples’ squabbles turn into productive conversations? I took a look to see how they argue differently.

Here are ways emotionally mature couples handle disagreement differently than everyone else

1. They know their dealbreakers

There are certain things in life that cannot be debated or argued away. Many of these are major life decisions, such as whether to marry, have kids, or pursue a certain career. These are known as dealbreakers because they literally offer no way to compromise.

You can’t have half a kid. You can’t compromise on marriage. Emotionally mature people realize this and do not try to compromise. Rather, if they hit a dealbreaker, they walk away.

2. They allow each other to take a time out when they need to

We’ve all had moments where we knew that continuing a conversation would make us lose our tempers. Emotionally immature people will often keep pressing an issue that causes tempers to flare, even after getting warned by their partners not to do so. This obviously ends with major, explosive blowouts.

Having space is important. If you can take a breather during an argument or allow your partner to take a breather, you’re showing a lot of emotional maturity. More importantly, you’re also giving your relationship a better chance at success.

3. They choose their battles

True story: I had a date who I broke up with over my taste in bands. I told him I liked a band. His reply was that he hated them, that they sucked, and that he couldn’t understand how I liked them. I told him I’d agree to disagree. He couldn’t handle that, so he kept arguing until I got fed up and walked off the date.

People like my date tend to tie self-worth to being correct, and that’s not a good way to live. Not every fight has to happen, nor is every argument worth a squabble. A smart person will pick their battles carefully and recognize when a hill is not worth dying on. After all, there are plenty of times when it’s better to agree to disagree.

4. They ask for each other’s perspectives

A lot of arguments stop in their tracks the moment that parties actually talk about their particular views on a matter. More often than not, both parties tend to want the same result. It’s just about realizing that there are merit points to both sides, at least in many cases.

Emotionally mature people tend to want to know why someone is arguing on behalf of a certain point. They want to know the reasoning behind it. That’s why they’ll ask for perspective. In many cases, they’ll realize you’re right and concede. Or, if they feel their side is still correct, they’ll address your concerns, too.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.