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We all know the feeling. We start speaking to or dating someone and we begin to get excited about them . . . but then as soon as we show interest, they start to pull away.
This can be painful and demoralizing. But why does this happen? Is it them, or is it us?
In this week’s video, my brother @Stephenhhussey and I break down a number of “them” and “us” scenarios. For instance:
• Some people loathe themselves so much that they devalue anyone who starts to see value in them.
• Others might have an obsession with attainment, and once they “get” you, they just move on to their next quest.
Thankfully, in these examples, you want to scare off a person like that.
But sometimes our actions may inadvertently scare them off. For example: when they see us valuing them more than we should, especially given the stage of the relationship we’re currently in.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
why is that so many people have the
00:02
experience of showing interest
00:05
and then when they show interest all of
00:07
a sudden
00:09
that person starts to lose interest what
00:11
is that
00:13
here’s the is that a thing
00:15
is that a thing that is it an illusion
00:17
or is that a real thing that happens you
00:19
show someone in are there people who get
00:21
interest from someone
00:23
and they are turned off by it
00:25
well that that’s the question isn’t it
00:27
is it just are we are we really saying
00:29
here that it’s just because this is a
00:30
claim i think a lot of people make when
00:32
they say this always happens i show
00:34
interest and they disappear that would
00:36
be to suggest that it that showing
00:38
interest itself is inherently
00:41
unattractive
00:43
right and it would be hard to argue the
00:45
truth of that statement
00:47
it leads to those stalemates of no one
00:49
dares wants to take one step forward or
00:52
put themselves on the line because they
00:53
think i’m gonna lose the chess game if i
00:56
show any interest right
00:59
so
01:00
i i think we should almost break this
01:02
down into
01:04
what are the causes
01:06
of someone losing interest once we show
01:09
our interest
01:10
what categories could that phenomenon
01:14
fall into
01:15
i’d like to start
01:17
and i’m wondering what you think of this
01:19
steve
01:20
with the simple idea that some people
01:25
are not looking for what you’re looking
01:26
for
01:29
or
01:31
are unhealthy emotionally yes so those
01:34
are two separate things they’re not
01:36
necessarily the same thing but let’s
01:38
just start with those two things what
01:40
are your thoughts on on those two steve
01:42
yes i agree so the first one may be that
01:46
once you show a level of interest
01:49
that freaks them out they they realize
01:52
oh i don’t want to commit to this person
01:55
this much i was attracted to them i was
01:58
having fun with them i was enjoying
02:00
dating but they’re really into me
02:03
and they might be like
02:05
i’m backing off now because i’ve gotten
02:08
in too deep or i don’t want to go where
02:11
this person’s taking me
02:13
i think that
02:15
is a real phenomenon that happens to
02:16
people
02:18
that’s exactly right
02:19
so
02:20
you can’t you know
02:22
that that you can’t put
02:24
you can’t make that a personal issue
02:28
you just have to say some people are not
02:30
ready for a real relationship and that’s
02:32
why they’re backing off when they
02:33
realize that i am ready for a real
02:36
relationship and we have to start seeing
02:38
that as a positive not negative
02:41
that if i learn that someone doesn’t
02:43
want a real relationship and that makes
02:45
them go away well how was i going to get
02:47
them to stay by pretending i didn’t want
02:49
a real relationship all that means is
02:50
i’m deferring my hurt to
02:54
some time down the road when i finally
02:56
admit that i want more and then guess
02:58
what you’re going to get the exact same
03:00
answer
03:01
which is i’m scared i don’t want more i
03:04
i was i didn’t sign up for this and the
03:06
truth is about that guy is that he may
03:10
have already felt that way from the very
03:13
beginning of you dating it’s not that
03:16
you brought it up and suddenly showed
03:18
too much interest and now he’s like i’m
03:20
out he may have never planned to take
03:23
things further but it’s only because you
03:25
prompted the conversation so in that
03:27
sense that he’s now backing off in that
03:29
sense what you’re experiencing is just a
03:31
revealing of what someone’s intentions
03:34
have been all along so we can kind of
03:36
rule that out as
03:38
not just something not to to feel bad
03:40
about but actually a good thing that you
03:42
should feel proud of yourself in the
03:44
moments where you showing a greater
03:46
interest reveals that someone has no
03:48
intention of
03:51
of
03:52
making something more of this situation
03:54
with you
03:56
though there is a different there is
03:58
something that doesn’t fall into that
03:59
category
04:01
which is when you
04:02
bringing up your interest in someone
04:04
when you showing more interest
04:07
actually does
04:09
have an effect on them it does repel
04:12
them
04:13
and this is the case of
04:16
someone being emotionally unhealthy
04:19
themselves yes
04:21
so in this situation
04:23
there’s different ways of looking at it
04:25
one is
04:27
someone else having
04:31
issues with themselves
04:34
low self-esteem
04:36
they don’t prize themselves highly
04:39
they haven’t truly accepted themselves
04:42
so
04:43
so this can create one of a couple of
04:45
effects and it could also be the
04:46
beginning bit right the very early
04:48
moment where
04:50
you show a bit of interest on like
04:53
tinder or something and someone’s like
04:55
oh no this person’s too easy like
04:58
they’re always looking for the difficult
05:00
to catch fish
05:01
and someone who likes them is like oh
05:03
that’s that though they want me too
05:06
easily like they must be lower value
05:07
than i am yes so i think this is this is
05:11
some distinctions have to be made
05:13
because that’s definitely that’s
05:15
definitely a phenomenon
05:18
i
05:20
i see this kind of
05:22
being a couple of different things you
05:24
have the person who
05:26
doesn’t actually think a lot of
05:27
themselves
05:29
so this is the
05:31
i’m hideous
05:33
so if you like me you must be hideous
05:36
effect groucho marx right i wouldn’t
05:39
want to belong to any club that would
05:40
have someone like me as a member
05:42
exactly
05:43
so this is the self the kind of
05:46
self-loathing
05:48
phenomenon i don’t like myself
05:51
i don’t value myself
05:53
so if you like me
05:56
then you must not have much value i
05:59
wanted to let you know that if you’re
06:00
enjoying this subject matter we have a
06:02
free guide on exactly this that’s super
06:05
practical
06:06
it’s at the website why he’s gone.com
06:10
this free guide outlines the five
06:12
reasons why someone may disappear when
06:15
you show your interest go to why he’s
06:18
gone.com and i’ll see you over there the
06:21
other side of it
06:23
is someone who
06:26
their relationship with happiness
06:29
is one of constantly trying to attain
06:33
something that they think will make them
06:36
happy once they get it
06:40
a simple example of this in commercial
06:42
terms is you know why does
06:44
i don’t know why does american express
06:47
have a platinum card
06:50
it’s so that people who have a regular
06:52
amex
06:54
can have something to aspire to
06:58
right now what’s the difference
07:01
why unless i’m spending a fortune every
07:04
month why would i want a platinum with a
07:07
much higher limit over a regular amex
07:11
because i think that
07:13
something about having that platinum
07:15
card in my wallet is gonna make me
07:17
happier
07:19
now i’ve get the platinum card
07:22
and amex says by the way
07:24
you know did you know jay-z has a
07:26
black card
07:29
he has an amex black card don’t you want
07:32
the black card
07:35
and you go wait what’s that one
07:38
and they go it’s a super special amex we
07:40
have there’s very few people who have it
07:44
and now you want that one
07:46
why
07:48
is it going to change your life
07:51
on some level we must think
07:54
ah that’s going to make me happier
07:56
if i could just get that one
07:59
and you can guarantee that
08:01
after that by the way amex there
08:04
probably is some some
08:06
some super special amex that us mere
08:08
mortals don’t even know about
08:11
you know some some sort of amex club
08:12
that jay-z is trying to get into
08:14
it’s just it’s just bait it’s just bezos
08:16
and elon musk and that’s it
08:21
but
08:22
when you hear about that club you go oh
08:25
i want to be in that club
08:27
because what it’s really about
08:29
is this obsession with attainment
08:33
this obsession with i need something
08:35
i need something else i think that’s
08:37
going to make me happier you know that
08:40
that uh
08:41
that line in hamilton
08:43
you know i’ll never be satisfied
08:46
it’s that
08:47
feeling of
08:49
oh you know that that phrase is very
08:51
very powerful you know
08:53
i’ll never be satisfied i’m always
08:55
looking for the the bigger thing the
08:58
better thing the more exclusive club
09:01
and you can never for someone like that
09:04
you can never be
09:07
a great enough club
09:09
for them not to be looking for
09:11
another exclusive club because guess
09:13
what the moment
09:15
you show interest in a person like that
09:18
you’re no longer the exclusive club
09:22
the moment you show interest to a person
09:24
like that you’ve accepted them and
09:26
acceptance is a turn off for them
09:30
because acceptance means i already won
09:34
and there’s a different win now to go
09:36
for
09:37
yeah
09:39
so now they go for the what’s the bigger
09:41
kill what’s the bigger win what’s the
09:43
more exclusive club you can never be
09:46
that club once you actually accept
09:48
someone you can never you can never
09:49
again be the exclusive club to them
09:51
because you accepted them you invited
09:53
them in
09:54
to someone like that
09:56
so so you know there’s
09:58
there’s the people i guess the way i’m
10:00
the distinction i’m drawing is that
10:01
there are people that have an incredibly
10:03
unhealthy relationship with themselves
10:06
where they loathe themselves and that’s
10:09
why
10:10
they they immediately think that you
10:13
must not be great if you like them
10:15
and then there’s the people that have a
10:17
really unhealthy relationship with
10:18
happiness
10:21
where they think that
10:23
the happiness is always in the game
10:26
never in the having
10:30
and once they have you they can no
10:31
longer get you
10:36
that’s one group now we also shouldn’t
10:39
be worried about scaring off someone
10:40
like that
10:43
so we might say so does that just mean
10:45
that all of this
10:46
phenomenon of me showing interest and
10:50
someone losing their interest once i
10:52
show mine
10:53
is just
10:54
all about
10:56
these people that i should be happy i’m
10:58
repelling because they’re wrong for me
10:59
they’re either not ready they don’t want
11:00
the same things as me or they’re
11:02
emotionally unhealthy or they have an
11:04
unhealthy relationship with happiness
11:07
maybe
11:08
but there is another category yes and
11:11
this is the one where we have to look at
11:13
ourselves yes this is the this is the
11:16
self-reflective part of this equation
11:18
which is
11:20
perhaps
11:21
one of the reasons i’m losing interest
11:23
when i’m showing interest
11:25
is in the manner
11:27
in which i show interest
11:30
so let’s talk about that steve what are
11:31
you i’m curious to know what your
11:33
thoughts are on this
11:35
i think it’s in what
11:36
not just intensity perhaps of interest
11:39
but in what you’re showing an interest
11:41
in and people are not stupid and they
11:44
can feel if for example
11:46
your interest is only in fulfilling some
11:51
some empty relationship shaped hole in
11:54
your life where you just
11:56
are needing a relationship to plug up
11:58
certain gaps in your self-esteem and you
12:01
have turned them into an idealized
12:05
version of themselves and they can feel
12:07
like they have this unearned level of
12:09
attention
12:10
and affection and they think oh this
12:12
person
12:13
is turning me into
12:16
the source of their whole world and
12:19
someone can freak out then
12:21
and be like
12:23
the level of the interest they have is
12:25
not just about me it’s about them
12:28
needing to fix something that they feel
12:30
is broken about them
12:34
that’s
12:35
absolutely right
12:37
absolutely right
12:40
now what would you say are the key signs
12:44
what are the ways that we telegraph
12:47
that
12:48
we are
12:50
valuing someone more than we should for
12:52
the stage of attraction we’re in
12:54
that we are
12:57
not actually getting to know them
12:59
organically but have really quickly made
13:01
up our minds about them
13:03
in an unhealthy way
13:05
that we are
13:08
moving at a pace
13:09
that is
13:11
making someone start to take a step back
13:15
what are the what are the practical
13:17
things
13:18
that someone should watch out for in
13:21
their own behavior that might be
13:23
telegraphing the wrong things in those
13:24
early stages and pushing someone away
13:28
i think it’s perhaps
13:29
the way you are
13:31
what you are deciding about them early
13:33
on if you are not looking at their
13:35
behavior but you are just
13:38
you are just so
13:39
over you were just so bowled over and
13:42
bought into them
13:44
really quickly before they’ve actually
13:45
had any time to prove to you why they
13:48
would be a great boyfriend or why they
13:51
would why they
13:53
really really care about you and they’re
13:54
not prioritizing you yet in your life
13:57
but you’re
13:58
you’re living for them you find yourself
14:00
dropping things that would otherwise
14:02
have been important to you for them
14:04
suddenly your work is a back seat
14:06
suddenly your friends are a backseat and
14:09
if you know you have that tendency to
14:11
just
14:12
suddenly start dropping things
14:14
um i think that’s a warning sign
14:18
i have always
14:20
thought that the way that we get
14:23
attracted to people in unhealthy ways
14:26
and invest in unhealthy ways
14:30
has a lot of parallels in the way that
14:32
people behave around celebrities
14:36
yeah
14:37
when we
14:40
have a favorite celebrity
14:42
we often
14:45
like them or admire them
14:47
for a
14:49
some pretty one-dimensional reasons
14:52
right
14:53
your favorite musician you really like
14:56
probably because they’re really great at
14:59
being a musician
15:01
they play that guitar really well or
15:03
they have an amazing voice or you really
15:06
like their songs
15:09
your favorite actor you like because
15:11
they play a role really well in a movie
15:14
they’re a great actor
15:20
this has almost nothing to do with who
15:22
they are as a person because you don’t
15:24
know who they are as a person
15:27
and it certainly has nothing to do with
15:31
what they’re investing in you
15:33
because they don’t even know you
15:36
and yet
15:38
when someone meets their favorite
15:40
celebrity
15:42
what celebrities are used to is that
15:44
that person falls over themselves
15:47
to
15:49
try to
15:50
meet that celebrity
15:52
impress them
15:54
they’d do anything for them
15:56
they’d go out of their way in completely
15:59
unreasonable ways for that celebrity
16:04
so
16:05
what’s that really about it’s about
16:07
overvaluing
16:09
this quality
16:11
in a person
16:12
and deciding how much we like them when
16:15
we really have no idea who they even are
16:18
now
16:20
let’s bring it back to the to people’s
16:22
love lives for a moment people could say
16:25
well i i have i’ve seen this person like
16:28
a ha two or three times now and and it’s
16:30
not just their looks
16:32
you know i really like them
16:34
i think they’re a really interesting
16:36
person i think well you have to
16:38
understand that it’s still
16:40
kind of one-dimensional
16:43
even if you think they’re really
16:44
interesting and they’ve been great on a
16:45
date you’re still seeing them in very
16:47
few dimensions
16:50
you don’t know a lot about them
16:52
so you have to ask yourself
16:54
how much interest is is truly rational
16:58
right now for how well i know this
17:00
person
17:02
and and what some of the mistakes that i
17:06
could make if i overvalue this person
17:08
right now well i start giving up
17:11
every night of the week
17:13
i start bombarding their phone with
17:15
messages and when they don’t text me
17:17
back i send another one
17:20
i
17:21
respond to last minute requests
17:23
constantly from them
17:25
because i just want to be near them so
17:27
even if i had other plans
17:29
at the last minute i’ll drop whatever it
17:31
is i have going on
17:33
in order to see them
17:36
i’ll do anything i can just to be near
17:38
them i ignore the fact that i’m giving
17:41
and they’re taking
17:43
that they’re just taking and taking and
17:44
taking i’m just giving giving giving
17:46
because i just want to get closer and
17:48
closer and closer
17:51
and when people see these things
17:54
they start to get concerned
17:57
that
17:58
well this person well perhaps hey i get
18:00
concerned oh this i’m starting to get a
18:02
strange feeling here
18:04
i don’t know if this person’s
18:06
giving me this this person can’t be
18:08
giving me all this attention because
18:10
i’ve earned it because i haven’t
18:13
and it can’t be because i’m giving them
18:14
so much back because i’m not
18:18
so
18:19
this must be to do with their value now
18:21
it must be to do with the fact that
18:23
either they don’t really value
18:24
themselves which isn’t attractive
18:26
yeah
18:27
or it’s to do with the fact that they’ve
18:29
overvalued me which means they’re not
18:31
really seeing me
18:33
or it’s to do with the fact that what
18:35
they want has nothing to do with me
18:39
what they want is a relationship
18:42
what they want is a goal whatever their
18:44
goal is but it has very little to do
18:46
with me
18:47
yeah and that’s starting to creep me out
18:49
because i’m now feeling detached from
18:51
from any real connection with this
18:53
person
18:54
all i’m really seeing is someone who’s
18:56
driving after a goal and a preset agenda
18:58
that they have
19:00
that existed before they met me
19:04
so we can solve that
19:08
by if we decide we like someone there’s
19:12
nothing wrong with showing that you like
19:14
someone a little bit
19:18
you have to give them a little bit
19:21
but you don’t necessarily have to give
19:23
them more than that
19:26
and even if you say yeah but i’m so
19:28
attracted to this person
19:30
you can be
19:31
so attracted to this person
19:34
but how attracted you are and what
19:36
boundaries you have are very different
19:37
things
19:40
being so attracted doesn’t have to mean
19:43
having no boundaries
19:47
you can still say yeah i am i am
19:49
massively attracted to someone you can
19:51
even say that to someone
19:53
but it doesn’t mean that you’re willing
19:56
to see them every night of the week
19:59
it doesn’t mean that you’re going to
20:00
chase them
20:03
it doesn’t mean that if you see behavior
20:05
you don’t like you’re not going to call
20:07
it out
20:09
it doesn’t mean they’re going to get
20:10
more of your attention unless they start
20:12
showing you more of their attention
20:16
this is this is the fundamental mistake
20:19
people make
20:21
be
20:22
wildly attracted to someone
20:25
think someone is incredibly sexy you
20:27
know what’s powerful
20:28
someone knowing that you think they’re
20:30
incredibly sexy and attractive and also
20:32
knowing that that has no effect on your
20:34
behavior when it comes down to what
20:36
choices you make oh yeah that’s
20:38
incredibly powerful if people see that
20:40
like that doesn’t even that’s not enough
20:42
for them to compromise their
20:43
self-respect or they’ll still put up
20:45
boundaries
20:47
or express when they disagree it’s like
20:49
man they’re not controlled by that
20:51
emotion
20:52
and that’s what makes someone a powerful
20:54
person
20:56
is oh you’re not gonna override your own
20:59
what’s good for you
21:02
because you’re attracted to me and that
21:04
doesn’t mean that someone needs to know
21:06
all of the ways that you’re really
21:07
attracted to them right now they can get
21:09
to know that a little more slowly
21:12
but ultimately it’s about
21:14
it’s about measuring
21:16
it’s about seeing everything in its
21:17
proper place
21:19
i am not gonna i can’t if i’m valuing
21:22
things right then
21:24
the fact that i you score a nine for me
21:26
in the physical attraction box
21:29
doesn’t change the fact that i
21:31
you’re not even a two yet in terms of
21:35
being there for me in difficult
21:36
situations
21:38
or
21:39
connecting with me on the deepest
21:41
possible level of accepting my flaws and
21:44
my darker side and who i am
21:47
how could you possibly be scoring
21:49
anything on that scale right now i
21:50
haven’t told you any of that stuff
21:53
i haven’t even shown you the worst parts
21:55
of me
21:56
i haven’t even given you a chance to
21:58
accept the more difficult parts of me
22:00
yet so how could i possibly know whether
22:02
you
22:03
you’re right for me on that level
22:06
i can’t
22:09
so
22:10
while i get to know
22:12
what
22:13
we could be in all of these really major
22:16
categories
22:18
i may demonstrate that i like you
22:21
but that’s not going to be met by an
22:23
incredible amount of investment
22:25
i’m still gonna give you a little bit
22:28
and see
22:29
if you meet me there
22:33
but if if what you do when you’re
22:35
interested in someone is give
22:37
and give and give and then they take
22:43
and then you give you don’t wait to see
22:45
if they give back you just start giving
22:47
again
22:48
yeah that’s what starts to creep someone
22:50
out
22:51
yeah
22:52
because they go oh oh what’s going on
22:55
here why i just took
22:57
and i didn’t give anything back now they
23:00
may not consciously realize this a lot
23:02
of people won’t consciously realize it
23:04
because sometimes when we’re around
23:05
someone who gives a lot the instinct is
23:06
to take
23:08
the instinct is just to enjoy what
23:09
they’re giving but
23:11
we will unconsciously begin to take it
23:13
for granted what they’re giving and when
23:16
we take something for granted
23:18
it we don’t associate with earning it
23:21
and so we just wait for it to come to us
23:24
yeah we might even be repelled by it
23:26
because we go oh this feels icky
23:29
i’m not i’m not even giving to this
23:30
situation and this person keeps giving
23:33
there’s something icky about this and
23:35
then we get a bad feeling and then we
23:37
start to drift away
23:39
because something about this situation
23:41
gives us a bad feeling because something
23:44
about someone giving and giving and
23:45
giving and giving even though we’re not
23:47
giving back
23:49
feels
23:50
unreliable
23:52
yeah it feels like a manipulation
23:55
it feels like
23:57
someone who’s not stable
24:00
it feels like someone who doesn’t have
24:02
rules
24:03
in place
24:05
and all of these things
24:09
can can make us a little afraid
24:12
i can’t trust a person who doesn’t have
24:15
any boundaries around themselves
24:18
i can’t i can’t trust that they’ll do
24:20
what’s right for themselves
24:22
i can’t trust that their feelings around
24:24
me are real
24:26
because if their feelings around me were
24:28
real
24:30
they should be turned off by this
24:34
yeah this should have affected the
24:36
situation
24:38
but it hasn’t so what are their feelings
24:42
based on
24:43
oh there’s something else going on with
24:46
this person
24:48
there’s some other stuff i don’t know
24:50
about i’m i’m
24:52
i’m not aware of
24:55
there’s a side of this person that’s
24:57
that’s that’s not good that’s dark or
25:00
unhappy or
25:02
or
25:02
desperate
25:04
or hurt
25:05
or
25:06
trying to fix something that has nothing
25:08
to do with me and all of that feels like
25:13
yeah yeah
25:15
i’m gonna push i’m gonna push away here
25:17
and fundamentally they don’t feel like
25:19
they have to raise their game around you
25:21
they’re just like it doesn’t matter what
25:22
they do
25:23
so i yep i don’t feel that that hunger
25:26
that drive around them to
25:29
be my better self
25:31
people
25:34
love to buy
25:36
they hate to be sold
25:41
people love to buy
25:44
they hate to be sold
25:47
steve
25:50
it could be an exciting thing if we were
25:52
suddenly like
25:55
should we go like why don’t we go on a
25:57
on a shopping spree today let’s go buy
26:00
some really cool [ __ ]
26:02
and we went out with that intention that
26:04
would be exciting
26:06
if we walked through a marketplace
26:10
on the very same day
26:11
and people were like come into my store
26:14
come into my store i’ve got these things
26:16
you’re really gonna like come come come
26:19
all of a sudden we’d be like get me out
26:21
of here
26:24
same thing
26:26
it’s just an exchange of money
26:28
but in the latter scenario
26:31
you physically want to remove yourself
26:33
from that space
26:38
when we try too hard because we like
26:40
someone
26:42
they start feeling like they’re being
26:44
sold
26:46
we’re not giving them the space to sell
26:48
themselves on us
26:52
when i have an amazing date with you
26:55
and then i tell you i had a great time
26:57
but then i create some space and i see
26:59
if you come forward to meet me
27:01
where i am
27:02
i’m giving you space to sell yourself
27:06
i’m giving you room to miss me
27:08
i’m giving you room to think about me
27:12
and this is true
27:13
on every level
27:16
this this can be true within a
27:17
relationship
27:20
if your partner goes away for an hour or
27:22
two if you’ve been together all day and
27:23
your partner goes away for an hour or
27:24
two if you text them every second
27:28
of the time that you’re apart
27:30
you’re not giving them space to just
27:32
think about you
27:34
and i don’t i know you’re making them
27:37
think about you but you’re making them
27:39
think about you in a as an aggressive
27:41
act
27:44
i’m putting myself on your mind every
27:46
second of the next two hours
27:48
but what if i took a step back and i
27:51
said i’m gonna let you think about me
27:53
now on your terms
27:56
i’m gonna allow you to imagine me to
27:58
think about me to process your thoughts
28:02
about me
28:03
i’m going to give you the space to do
28:04
that
28:07
now by the way if you do that and
28:09
someone never comes forward if if all
28:12
they do is disappear
28:14
that’s different
28:17
that’s different then the next time they
28:18
come back into your life you have to be
28:20
willing to say if it’s four weeks later
28:22
you know
28:24
you you have to be willing to call them
28:26
out on the fact that they disappeared
28:27
for four weeks
28:29
right i thought we had a great date i
28:31
didn’t you know i i yeah yeah you
28:33
vanished what happened
28:35
you know you can say that but
28:38
but on a smaller scale
28:40
we have to create those spaces for
28:43
people to sell themselves on us
28:46
yes
28:47
space is powerful space giving someone
28:50
space to
28:51
assess think about it miss something
28:55
get desire up there there’s a lot going
28:57
on there and by the way when you’re
28:59
creating that space what are you doing
29:03
when you’ve given them space
29:05
what are you do finding yourself doing
29:08
are you just the person who’s now
29:10
sitting there waiting i hope they’re
29:11
thinking about me i hope they’re doing
29:14
something that’s real you know they’re
29:16
going to text me any minute now and
29:17
you’re you’ve created space but it’s all
29:19
just a ruse you’re sitting there by your
29:21
phone simply waiting for the next time
29:24
that they text
29:25
or are you someone who is
29:28
showing
29:29
that you have your own life
29:32
your own things that you value
29:37
do you have your own opinions on things
29:40
or your opinions just their opinions do
29:42
you have your own sense of self
29:46
do you have autonomy over your own
29:48
happiness
29:50
a sense of self validation
29:54
a sense of boundaries these are the
29:57
things that make someone attracted
30:00
even when you’re showing interest
30:03
because i am showing that my whole world
30:06
isn’t whether you like me or not i like
30:09
you but i can move on
30:13
the moment i realize you’re not there
30:15
with me because
30:16
i i have autonomy over my life and my
30:19
happiness
30:20
my moods
30:23
my direction of travel
30:26
not in a fearful way
30:28
not in a you you didn’t text me for a
30:31
day so i just assumed you didn’t like me
30:34
and i’m out you know that’s fearful
30:36
that’s
30:37
that’s another form of
30:39
protectionism i’m i’m so guarded that
30:42
the moment i even feel slightly
30:45
threatened i’m like uh you know
30:48
i jump out of my skin
30:51
right that’s not
30:53
that that’s not safety that’s not
30:55
autonomy over my own mood my confidence
30:58
it’s
30:59
oh if i sense that that
31:02
you know i like you and you know i’m i
31:04
have a curiosity about you and where
31:06
this could go and i’ve expressed an
31:08
interest in seeing you again but i’m not
31:10
feeling the same as the same thing from
31:12
you
31:14
then
31:16
slowly my attention starts to find
31:21
homes in you know my attention returns
31:23
to other things in my life
31:25
that space that was that little space
31:28
that had opened up for that possibility
31:31
begins to shift to something else
31:36
that’s
31:37
how you remain valuable while you’re
31:39
showing
31:40
interest
31:41
in somebody else
31:43
ultimately when two well-balanced
31:48
healthy people
31:52
who want the same thing
31:54
are attracted to each other
31:57
progress is an organic thing
32:01
progress
32:02
is natural
32:05
if it feels
32:06
unnatural
32:08
either because it’s too fast
32:11
or it’s static
32:13
or
32:14
frankly someone disappears
32:19
it’s the result
32:21
of
32:23
either mismatched intentions
32:28
or an emotionally
32:31
unhealthy or hurt person on one side of
32:35
the equation
32:38
whether it’s them in their ability to
32:40
receive interest
32:42
or ours
32:44
in the
32:46
inorganic
32:47
or destructive way that we demonstrate
32:50
interest
32:52
i really want you to watch this next
32:53
video i think it’s going to make a big
32:55
difference in your life a guy comes
32:56
along who you find yourself drawn to on
32:59
every level
33:00
but
33:01
after an initial attraction this guy
33:03
disappears he stops being responsive he
33:06
goes cold and you’re left wondering why
33:09
this depressing scenario took place
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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