We all have this inborn desire to be loved and accepted. However, the extent to which we believe we are deserving of that love greatly varies. Our perceptions of our worthiness to be loved are also shaped by societal influences and our past experiences. For instance, when people who have experienced abuse or neglect come to internalize these experiences it leads them to believe that they are undeserving of real love.
A consequence of this is that people develop a low sense of self-worth which, aside from making them see themselves as undeserving, will also gravitate them toward relationships that mirror their beliefs about themselves. So, they tolerate abuses like mistreatment, neglect, or emotional manipulation because they believe that is what they are worth- what they deserve. Unfortunately, this pattern can become a self-perpetuating cycle.
“So, they tolerate abuses like, mistreatment, neglect, or emotional manipulation because they believe that is what they are worth- what they deserve.”
“We Accept the love we think we deserve”
These insightful words of Stephen Chbosky highlight this deep truth about human relationships, shedding light on a fundamental aspect of our psychology and behavior, and why some of us settle for less than we deserve in our relationships.
They alert us to the definite correlation between our sense of self-worth and the relationships we sometimes resign ourselves to endure.
However, if we can understand why we accept certain types of “love”, how it manifests in our lives, and what steps we can take to change it, then we can get back on track to establishing healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
“The words shed light on a fundamental aspect of our psychology and behavior and why some of us settle for less than we deserve in our relationships.”
Why do people accept the love they believe they deserve?
One reason is fear: fear of being alone, fear of rejection, or fear of not finding someone better. Such insecurities have led many to settle for relationships that seem familiar, even if they are harmful.
People can also be conditioned to think that their needs and desires are less important. This is particularly true for people who have experienced emotional manipulation and abuse.
Societal norms and expectations also play a significant role in influencing individuals to prioritize just being in a relationship over being in a healthy one.
Again, if someone (unreasonably) believes that love necessitates personal sacrifice on their part, they might endure relationships where they are required to give up a lot, thinking that this is what it takes and this is what they deserve.
So, what can be done to break this cycle and choose the love we truly deserve?
“Sometimes your greatest teachers in life had no idea what they taught you. Especially those who treated you the worst. The day you said, ‘I deserve much better than this’ was the day you graduated from their class”. –Jacqueline Can
- The best first step towards developing a more positive self-image and healthier relationships is to start with some introspection to challenge all those negative beliefs you may have about your own self-worth.
- You also need to begin setting the standards for what constitutes healthy love and respect in relationships. This is essential, along with setting and enforcing the appropriate boundaries.
- Learn to assert your needs and communicate effectively in your relationship to prevent the perpetuation of harmful relationship dynamics.
- Recognize that relationships require compromise (not sacrifice at great personal cost) to thrive. This means finding a middle ground, not losing yourself.
- Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who will validate your worth to help counteract any negative self-perceptions.
“This is the best first step towards developing a more positive self-image and healthier relationships.”
We accept the love we deserve
Ultimately, choosing the love we deserve requires courage and self-love. We have to do away with the idea that we are inherently unworthy of genuine love and uphold our own inherent value as human beings. Doing this means opening ourselves up to the possibility of experiencing a love that is genuine, fulfilling, and worthy of us.
In essence, we need to value ourselves appropriately and refuse to settle for anything less than we deserve. Thus we pave the way for a life filled with genuine love and respect.
“If someone (unreasonably) believes that love necessitates personal sacrifice on their part, they might endure relationships where they are required to give up a lot.”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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