Why We Date the Same Type of Person Again and Again

He invited me over for the first time. We had met on a dating app and had gone on a couple of nice dates already. So far, everything had been going surprisingly well.

I was happy to receive the invite, but when I got to his place, I found myself eyeing the living room wearily. Some things were standing out to me — and not in a good way.

A huge TV — the kind my ex always wanted but I didn’t want to indulge.

An expansive computer set-up — which he built himself. Just like Ex.

Okay, okay, not a big deal.

Don’t compare them.

We were sitting on the couch in front of the giant tv, trying to find something our vastly different tastes could agree to watch. The search was half-hearted, as the conversations were much more interesting. (I mean seriously, we text but talking in person is so much better and I can watch tv on my own time, thank you.)

We got on the subject of time, and he casually mentioned that he was rapidly approaching 30.

“Umm… aren’t you 27, though?” I asked with a bit of uncertainty.

If he had been lying about his age, that would have been a red flag. His dating profile said he was 27.

He looked off a moment, trying to remember how old he was. Guess who also would forget how old he is? That’s right. Ex.

But it gets worse.

“Well… I was born in ’94, so I guess I’ll be 28 next year? But time moves so quickly. Before I know it, I’ll be 30.”

“When’s your birthday?”

“February.”

You already know what I’m going to say, right?

I don’t pry for the date. At this point, I don’t want to know. I don’t put much faith in the Zodiac, but there’s a good chance we’re incompatible in this aspect. Just like me and Ex.

There are so many people on dating apps. So many different people.

Why am I drawn to someone that reminds me of my Ex?

Comfort

Like your favorite meal or movie or coffee shop. Like wearing an old t-shirt or listening to that band you loved in high school.

There is comfort in familiarity.

I was comforted by this guy before I had even swiped right.

From his profile, I could tell that he had a nerdy side but was also outgoing. In that sense, I felt the semblance of a potential connection. Those traits are some that I tend to seek out, therefore, have experienced in the past. Because I’ve experienced them before, I found comfort in the potential for a relationship with someone who possesses those traits.

Safety

Feeling safe is something I highly value in all of my relationships — romantic and otherwise. I imagine most people feel the same way.

That desire to find safety is increased in the world of online dating. First date jitters? Compound that with the uncertainty that comes with meeting someone you connected with on the internet! (And during a pandemic.)

Are they going to look like their profile pictures?

I once met a man who appeared about three years older than his pictures. He had aged quite noticeably from who I thought I was meeting — which was off-putting, to say the least.

Are they going to give off a different vibe than they do when messaging?

Are they going to come on too strong?

What exactly am I walking into when I agree to coffee/lunch/dinner? I never really know. But once I meet someone I like? *Exhale in relief.*

Stupidity?

Harsh, but… are we repeating the same mistakes? Are we confident it’ll be different this time? We are talking about an entirely different person after all.

But you never know until you know. Maybe you have a type. Maybe that type doesn’t always work out long-term. Maybe you’ll find an exception to that circumstance.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe what I’m trying to say is hindsight is 20/20, but we’re working with the here and now. And yeah, maybe I met someone that in ways reminds me of an ex, but in so many ways, they are two completely different people. I can’t let my past control my future. Yes, I can learn from my mistakes, but someone else’s personality traits don’t make a mistake.

Did I have a momentary lapse of panic over this?

Yes.

Did he notice?

No.

Did we have fun playing video games together?

Yes.

Will I see him again?

Maybe.

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Till next time! 🙂

— Breanna

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Previously Published on medium

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