“If you really knew me, you’d know that I just had a son and I’m afraid I’ll replay my dad’s mistakes,” the man next to me said. Me and the three other men—all strangers—in our circle took him in for a moment before all eyes turned to me.
The room buzzed behind us with the low hum of conversations, like static beneath the thick, unspoken tension that cloaked our circle, as we entered the third round of ‘If You Really Knew Me’ at a New York City men’s group gathering in June 2019. For most of the night, I’d demoed what we did in the Dudes of Disruption Men’s Group, but now I had an opportunity to experience another group’s process.
I took a deep breath.
“If you really knew me,” I said, knowing what I wanted to admit but being afraid to do so, “you’d know that I have a lot of doubts about my relationship with my girlfriend.”
The men took me in, their eyes holding my admission gently, before turning their gaze to the man next to me.
“If you really knew me,” he said as I swallowed the knot of vulnerability in my throat, “you’d know I’m in tens of thousands of dollars of credit card debt.”
I sighed with relief as we finished up the third and final round of the exercise. Each round had gotten progressively deeper, though given that all of us were involved in a men’s group it hadn’t started off at the surface level to begin with.
When the final guy wrapped up his vulnerable share, the facilitator of the exercise looked at each of us. With his bald head and burly build, he loomed like a cage fighter.
“You guys need to figure your shit out,” he said brusquely. “Your son needs you to let go of that story. Debt can destroy you. And dude, you need to make a choice in your relationship. It’s not fair to you or her if you don’t know.”
My defenses slammed into place, a fortress hastily constructed to contain the surge of heat in my chest. Screw you, I thought. Who are you to judge me? You don’t know me or my relationship!
I left the gathering both inspired by leading my own powerful sessions and annoyed with the facilitator I felt went to far. I even called my friend Nick—who I now lead The Arena Men’s Group with—and told him how the guy didn’t honor the vulnerability of the space and went right into coach mode.
“She’s my person,” I said to Nick, describing my relationship with my girlfriend.
Even as the words left my mouth, a quiet voice stirred within me, whispering that the bald-headed asshole was… right.
And three months later, I broke up with my girlfriend and felt awash with relief.
In the years since, I’ve reflected on that night with gratitude. I don’t remember the guy’s name or what the other guys in that small group actually shared. But I remember that this guy—the one I was so resistant to—saw the truth I was unwilling to admit it to myself. He gave me a gift I wasn’t ready to receive.
Fast forward five-plus years to a recent Arena Men’s Group session. Our group is one that runs in perpetuity and guys transition in and out when the time feels right to them. At this particular session, a man who’d been in the group for two years announced that he was stepping away.
As part of our group’s culture, we emphasize leaving relationships honorably, and his departure gave him space to share final reflections. He mentioned that some of my coaching hadn’t landed for him because I’m younger than he is—even younger than some of his children. Now, I know that not all coaching lands. Sometimes the coaching is wrong, and other times people are resistant for a number of reasons, including age, race, gender, or other biases. But what he said continued to linger with me after the session, and the more I thought about it, the more I thought about that moment from June 2019.
Over time, I’ve come to see resistance as a signal—a cue that there’s something important lying beneath the surface, something we might not be ready to face.
In her book Willful Blindness: Why We Ignore the Obvious at Our Peril, Margaret Heffernan explores how individuals and organizations often choose to ignore uncomfortable truths, even when acknowledging them could lead to better outcomes. This willful blindness, as she names it, occurs when people turn a blind eye to information that challenges their beliefs or threatens their sense of security.
Fear plays a significant role in resistance. People may fear what happens if they accept new information, like the disproving of long-held beliefs or the need to change habitual behaviors. This fear can lead to a stubborn, often unconscious determination to avoid changing or even feeling the emotions associated with challenging one’s perceptions.
This is exactly what I experienced in 2019 and what I suspect was at play with the man who departed The Arena recently (though, to be clear, I don’t know that for a fact). My resistance showed up as complaining about the facilitator, rather than sitting with what he shared. And in my professional experience coaching executives and leading men’s groups, I’ve seen this dynamic often right before someone has a big breakthrough:
They resist the coaching, maybe even make the coach wrong, and then—after a period of pause—acknowledge the truth inside of what was offered to them.
Resistance holds the keys to major breakthroughs.
So, what can you do when you feel resistance?
It’s simple: pause and reflect.
Ask yourself why you’re so quick to push away the feedback. Is there an uncomfortable truth you’re not ready to face? If so, that’s where the growth lies.
Whether it’s in your career, your relationships, or your personal development, resistance isn’t something to ignore. It’s a guide, pointing you toward the deeper work you need to do.
So next time resistance rears its head, lean in. You might be surprised at what you discover.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Great article, Jake. Thank you for sharing and highlighting how to recognize and learn from resistance.
Great article Jake. You write with ease and grace. I really enjoyed this article.