Why We Use Cute Little Pet Names for Our Significant Other

Last month I got busted.

My big, burly boxing coach heard me call my wife “Pooki” when she dropped by the gym. I know better than to use her pet name in public, but it just slipped out by accident.

“What did you just call her?” Coach asked with his picket-fence grin.

I tried to shift the topic, but the cat was already out of the bag. And now I can’t live it down at the gym. Whenever we’re training hard, and I’m about to collapse, Coach says,

“Hang in there, Pooki; we’re almost done!”

Our secret love language

Most of us have cute pet names for our loved ones that nobody else gets to hear. These names are a secret language we only use in private.

My wife and I have a whole lexicon of terms we use to show our affection, connection, and declarations of love. But what fascinates me is how these nicknames come about and why we feel the need to use them.

I’d never heard or used the word “Pookie” before in my life until I met my wife. I’ve since learned the nickname “Pooky Bear” is Garfield’s teddy bear/best friend. But I was never a Garfield fan. And Pookie is not a word connected to anything related to my wife’s past.

During the early stages of our relationship, my future wife was having a bad day. I tried my best to soothe her, but nothing seemed to work.

“It’ll be ok, Pookie,” I said, puckering up the lips of the reassuring voice I’d typically use to talk to a cute baby or cuddly puppy.

As a big smile cracked across her tearful face, her eyes dilated into a kaleidoscope of newfound joy.

“I love that name!” she said.

And much to my amazement, that pet name brought us closer, perhaps because of the vulnerability I exposed.

Our mating calls

From then on out, I called my wife “Pookie”—in private. And she started calling me the same nickname back, with slight twists and creative variations like “Pooka Shell, Pooka Bear-y, and Pukipsie.” (There’s no way I can show face in the boxing gym now with these revelations!)

My wife doesn’t have to explain what these name modifications mean or why she deploys them. Like the back and forth mating calls of birds, my wife and I use these pet names to get the other’s attention and to let each other know we find them an ideal mate.

We also have little nicknames for our three-year-old daughter (Peanut) and our dog (Chunky). Whenever we use these nicknames, our voices morph into this embarrassing ooey-gooey, sugar-coated baby-talk—not the voice you want your buddies to hear.

But these shorthand expressions aren’t just words. They’re affirmations of affection, assurances of commitment, injections of care, and declarations of love. And we say them to make the other feel safe and protected.

Our search for psychological safety

This sweet talk is reminiscent of how our parents and relatives talked to us as babies. They’re echoes of the first feelings of love, attention, nurturance, and protection we felt from these original caretakers. Even though babies don’t understand language yet, the sounds and pitch of these words make infants feel physically safe and psychologically comforted.

Our parents are the first faces we see in this world. They protected us in our nest from the scary world “out there” and kept us safe from life’s daily threats, dangers, and harmful elements. And they’re the ones that loaded the language of love and the relationship software into our human operating system.

While these pet names may sound silly, who among us — children, adults, or even the Coach — doesn’t want to feel safe, adored, and loved.

But there are many periods in our adult life where we don’t get to hear someone talk to us in a soothing baby-talk voice or call us by a cute, pet name. Nor do we get to talk back to them in the same way.

While we may not realize or admit it, many adults are on our search to hear those voices again so we can go back to that safe place. And there’s a psychological toll of not getting these feelings of safety, reassurance, and love.

I know that feeling because I felt it for many years before meeting my soul mate.

Does everyone have these cute nicknames?

My wife and I sometimes assume we are the only ones with these pet names. But as we’ve listened to other couples talk, we hear similar pet names come out. Some of the most common and memorable pet names include:

• Pumpkin
• Papa Bear
• Mama bear
• Sweetie Pie
• Butternut
• Buttercup
• Honey-bunches
• Stud Muffin
• Bubby
• Love Bug
• Nutter Butter
• Cutie Patootie
• Snookums

And as I’ve traveled around the world, I’ve found that every country and culture uses cute little pet names such as

• Chiquito for “Little boy” in Spanish
• Mon chat for a cat in French
• Mon râleur for “My grumpy one” in French
• Mon petit monstre for “My little monster” in French
• Polpetto for “Meatball” in Italian
• Biscottino for “little biscuit” in Italian
• Kuschelbär for “Cuddle bear” in German
• 공주님 (gongjunim) for “Princess” in Korean
• 傻豬 for my “silly pig” in Cantonese
• Taku kairangi for “my finest greenstone” in Maori
• котёнок (kotyonok) for “kitten” in Russian
• Irog for “my one true love” in Tagalog
• หวานใจ (wǎan jai) for “sweetheart” in Thai
• Nefesim for “my breath” in Turkish

It’s a real thing

I recently read a fascinating article in the Atlantic called “Why We Speak More Weirdly at Home” that describes these invented pet names and coded family language as Familects. The author of this article, Kathryn Hymes, describes it this way:

“Familects are a part of the intimate register of language, the way we talk “backstage” with the people we are closest to. They’re our home slang, if you will, where we can be our nonpublic selves in all their weird glory. Familects can emerge from any type of family: big, small, chosen, or your “quaranteam,” as a friend calls it. Over time, these terms may become sticky in your inner circle.”

The Macmillan Thesaurus/Dictionary defines familects as “a set of words and expressions that are used within a family or small group.”

And in a Guardian article they describe familects this way:

“Familects is a home dialect in which words are given private meanings — reveal that everyone has a creative and playful linguistic story.”

“David Crystal, who wrote the book’s (Kitchen Table Lingo) afterword, expanded on what he described as these dialects of the home, or familects, in his blog: The book has collected a fascinating group of the private and personal word-creations that are found in every household and in every social group, but which never get into the dictionary … Everyone has been a word-coiner at some time or other — if not around the kitchen table, then in the garden, bedroom, office, or pub. The words in this book are the tip of an unexplored linguistic iceberg.”

“If, as is often suggested, the use of jargon confirms its speakers’ insider status, I suspect family words serve a similar function. Unlike jargon, however, family words are usually playful, creating both a sense of belonging and somewhere to let your hair down.”

“Although family words are often funny, they’re also shorthand for moments from a shared past and as such carry an emotional resonance.”

Who knew pet names were so rich in meaning and complex social psychology?

Even Coach?

A few weeks ago, my wife and I were shopping at the local pet store, and I heard this familiar voice in the other aisle talking to what I assumed must be a newborn puppy.

But as I peered through the 60lb bags of IronDog kibble, I saw my coach puckering his leathery lips up to his girlfriend and calling her “Snuggle Puff” as they waited for their German shepherd to finish his grooming.

And then I heard his girlfriend call Coach “Stinky Butt,” which almost made me knock over all the stack of ceramic dog bowls.

Instead of blowing my cover and risk getting a beat down, my wife and I snuck out of the store. But on Monday, when the coach told me to “Hang in there, Pookie!” I returned with the reply, “No problem, Stinky Butt,” as his face turned beet red.

Busted!

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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