I know, you’re going to tell me you married your wife because you were in love with her. That’s the reason most of my clients give for getting married. But, why her? Yes, you may have had red-hot chemistry. Yes, you may have had a lot in common. Yes, you may even have made each other happy. But those aren’t the only reasons. They may not even be the most important reason for getting married.
You chose each other so you could grow. This is what most people are talking about when they say marriage is hard. But that’s because they don’t really know what’s going on. Marriage is going to challenge you in ways no other relationship will. So, if you were looking for perpetual happiness or, at least no disagreements, your marriage will be more difficult than it needs to be.
Marriage is a relationship of equals. And it’s the only one where your life is entwined legally and emotionally with another person that is not a hierarchy. Building a life with someone who has had different experiences and expectations is what you signed up for. Your willingness to work within that framework is key to your success.
Your marriage is meant to make you question what you consider to be normal and “right”. It isn’t about abandoning who you are but making decisions about what you want to keep. Your partner’s thoughts, beliefs, expectations and behaviors are meant to test you. That isn’t bad. It’s necessary if your marriage is to be all it can be.
There is a school of thought that your wife has enough similarities to one of your parents to provide a sense of familiarity but enough differences to enable you to heal old wounds. If you’re lucky, those wounds are neither numerous nor deep. Most of us aren’t that lucky.
The answer isn’t to push back in the old, unproductive patterns. It’s to confront the past and the stories you tell to build a better, more mature you. Sure, you can hold on to those stories and, Peter Pan like, refuse to grow up. You can rebel like a teenager or accept the responsibility that you chose on your wedding day.
You can see your wife as controlling or manipulative. Or, you can see her as the iron who will enable you to forge your strength. The choice is yours.
What’s the way your wife tests you the most?
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Previously published on foundationscoachingnc.com.
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