I’ve been talking to this girl for months now without taking a bold step towards intimacy. There’s a reason why.
Many people confess their feelings prematurely as a way to increase the other person’s level of interest. Guys specifically. There’s a time and a place for making your intentions clear. But walking her home after a first date isn’t one of them.
When the other person is still uncertain about how they feel about you, and you suddenly show up with flowers at her door to let her know how much in love you’re with her, the initial emotion rushing within her isn’t love but pressure.
In my case, neither side has given clear signs of interest, making it difficult to move forward. I hinted at how compatible our Zodiac signs are. Confident girls will pick up on this message, while the insecure ones might doubt the guy’s actually serious. I’m still feeling her out by seeing how she responds to my compliments and subtle flirtations.
Nine and a half out of ten times, I text her first. We’ve mutually invited each other to hang out. The difference is, she only asks me to join her friends in her activities within her schedule. Whether or not that’s intentional is unclear. Me, though, only invite her to come to hang out alone.
I’ve given it a lot of thought. Should I be more direct? Would a more aggressive approach work better or would it be a rush? I’ve always believed in taking my time with love. Minimum effort is required when emotions develop organically. It feels forceful to compliment her, care for her, or agree with her if I’m solely doing it to gain her attention. My ex and I just happened without trying. That’s what I desire.
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Too many people focus on the formality of dating as opposed to listening to their heart and going with the flow. We go into a date with a strong agenda, which causes us to manufacture connections out of thin air. Instead of being spontaneous, we try to mold the interaction into how we pictured it in our heads.
In China, the term “gao bai” is one of the most popular terms amongst young people. It means to confess your admiration. I find that extremely unproductive, embarrassing, and artificial because it’s usually done to sway someone’s opinion of you, a guy who’s uncertain of a girl’s feelings for him will awkwardly walk up to her to admit how much he has fallen for her, hoping that this gesture is so romantic that a girl who never had any interest in him will suddenly change her heart. Nope, all it does is garner a rejection, an expected, well-deserved “no” to his face.
Proposing is only beautiful when it’s done out of a strong desire to commit to the love of your life. Not when it’s done to abide by traditions. And in dating, there shouldn’t be any ceremonial at all. You don’t need to express your affection for someone formally because the need to do so means they weren’t interested, anyway. Dating at its ideal level is two people enjoying each other’s presence. As they continue to get to know each other and experience different things together, smoke slowly combusts into a wildfire.
No, I’m not suggesting skipping the part where you give the other person affirmation of your love by saying, “hey, I really like you.” Or vice versa. What I’m saying is this process should be organic. It should be impulsive. It shouldn’t be practiced a thousand times in the mirror the night before you take her out to the movies.
So when should you confess your feelings for someone? When it actually feels “right” to do so, when it doesn’t feel forced because you need a prom date or desperate for a husband before turning 30 years old.
Therefore, I’ll continue to take my time with this girl. I trust that the right moment will come, and when it does, those magic words will naturally fly out of my mouth. Or maybe even her mouth. Who knows?
I know, some of you will advise taking the bull by the horn. Go after what you want before it’s too late type of deal. But there’s a difference between grabbing an opportunity when it presents itself and creating one when it’s not already there. The latter could be effective in a career but not necessarily in relationships because emotion is romance’s biggest component. When your date hasn’t developed a level of comfort and excitement about you yet you pretend to be her boyfriend, it actually backfires.
So no. Never “confess” your feelings for someone. It rarely works. Confessing associates typically with a one-sided love affair. The true confession comes when both sides are clearly invested in the relationship, but perhaps there’s still a thin wall that someone has to tear down to make it official.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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