Why You Should Not Take Cheating Personally

 

I am not underestimating the pain of being betrayed.

It is the worst type of pain you can ever go through.

Heck, it is worse than not being loved or failing at a big goal.

It hits differently; it hits deep.

And recovering from it is not a simple task. You will have to literally retool your mind.

You will have to make sense, again, of the past, future, and (probably) your personality.

But different ways of looking at things — which is exactly what this article offers — can help you in your recovery journey.

Retooling is about giving different meanings or making sense of dark details you lived through.

“We are meaning-making creatures and we rely on coherence. The interrogations, the flashbacks, the circular ruminations, and the hypervigilance are all manifestations of a scattered life narrative trying to piece itself back together” — Esther Perel

I will discuss two main ideas I learned from two great minds.

Those two ideas illustrate why cheating is seldom personal. Understanding those 2 ideas will help you build the basis for your recovery journey.

(Note: this article contains affiliate links where I will earn a commission if you purchase any of the books through my links or any product from amazon with no additional costs to you.)

Idea #1: it is about self-worth

I was reading a book by Gottman called The Science of Trust.

For those who do not know who Gottman is, he is the godfather of relationship research — the guy could predict divorce with more than 90% accuracy.

In the book, there was something about how different couples respond differently to struggles in the relationship.

Some people resort to self-protection. They want to protect themselves at all costs because they believe it is just too risky out there in the relationship.

As you have guessed, those self-protection behaviors are destructive to the relationship.

Other people go the other way and choose to see themselves and their partner as a team. Then, they are willing to work with their partner to tackle the issues in the relationship.

They do not only want to protect themselves. They want to protect the relationship.

They are not after protecting the “me” — they are after protecting the “us”.

But here is what separates those two types of people.

The difference between those two choices boils down to one thing: their self-esteem. It is about how secure they feel in who they are as individuals.

I know that may sound cliche, but there is a reason it is true.

People with high self-esteem choose to work as a team instead of panicking to protect themselves.

The first type

• They know they will be okay; they do not feel threatened.
• That means they have healthy coping mechanisms to recover from the possible pain during and after the relationship.
• They have healthy beliefs and attitudes toward themselves and their relationships.

 

The second type

• On the other hand, people with low self-esteem choose to protect themselves.
• They perceive the possible pain of wherever the relationship might be as intolerable.
• They know (or think) they cannot handle it*. They do not have healthy attitudes toward themselves and their relationships.

 

(*Some people truly do not know how to handle those situations and therefore cannot)

…

So, sometimes, cheating (or any other destructive behavior) is but a self-protection attempt.

The person who is involved in these types of behaviors is scared and lacks healthy self-esteem.

These behaviors range depending on many factors. However, cheating is definitely one of them.

Now, why do you include yourself in the equation?

What will make your partner choose to work with you as a team is not how much they love you; it is how secure they feel in themselves.

And that is something not only do you not have any control over but that has nothing to do with you.

Nothing.

I repeat, nothing!

We are talking about an adult whose personality had been shaped before you met them.

There is no reason to assume that what they did was because of you. Deep-rooted beliefs and patterns make them act in certain ways under certain circumstances.

It is not that you were cheated on; it is that they are somehow, you know…cheaters.

Photo by Slavcho Malezanov on Unsplash

Think of someone who is rude to you suddenly and without any reason in a restaurant or while you are driving well.

It is not that you did something wrong or, let us take it to an extreme, deserve to be treated badly. It is just that they are rude (or acting rudely because they are full of shit).

Sure, you need to stand up for yourself. But the reason they did that was not that you are an idiot.

If someone hit you while you were driving correctly, it is not that you are a bad driver. It is that they are.

You see where I am going?

I know such examples of simple situations are relatively easy to see in this light. And that an event like cheating is harder to relate to in a similar way.

But, if you look deeper, it is not entirely different.

Always remember Gottman’s research. And consider this:

Maybe they were not worthy of trust, not that you were not worthy of love.

Idea#2: Why do happy people cheat?

In the book The State of Affairs, Esther Perel, who is basically an “infidelity expert” to put it bluntly, writes about the topic of affairs in a deep (and healing) way.

She covered the topic of betrayal from many angles.

She is like a wise person who helps you see the bigger picture first and then dives into the details, unpacking them in a way that helps you make sense of the shattered reality of the aftermath of an affair.

And that is, in my opinion, the best way to handle such a sensitive topic.

In her book, she covered many topics, such as what affairs are, the dynamic of the affairs, the motives behind them, monogamy, emotional affairs, and the aftermath of betrayal.

It is not an easy read for the faint of hearts, I would argue.

If you are not open to holding many different, opposing points of view at once so you can develop a deeper understanding, this is a difficult book to read.

She discussed an interesting point in one of the chapters named Even Happy Couples Cheat (chapter 9).

“What if the affair had nothing to do with you?” Esther argues.

When I first read this, I squirmed. The pain of betrayal is so intense, like, fuck it, this is personal!

Earlier in the book, she mentioned the below, and I felt understood.

“If you really want to gut a relationship, to tear out the very heart of it, infidelity is a sure bet. It is betrayal on so many levels: deceit, abandonment, rejection, humiliation — all the things love promised to protect us from.” — Esther Perel

But now she is saying it has nothing to do with me?!

And now she is arguing that it is not personal.

Convince me!

Well, she did.

She made the argument that happy people also cheat. Sure, relationship issues can lead to affairs. A certain lack in the relationship can cause the person to look elsewhere.

This is not to justify it.

Explanations are not justifications.

Always remember that. And remember to hold two opposing viewpoints at once because they will help you see things wisely.

Esther explained that during many sessions, she reached the conclusion that affairs are not always about relationship issues or an individual’s toxic traits (narcissism, emotional immaturity, depression, sex addiction, or basically any “label”).

In other words, it is not about the other partner. It is not about the relationship itself.

It is about the person looking for something within themselves. And it is something that has nothing to do with you.

“People stray for a multitude of reasons, and every time I think I have heard them all, a new variation emerges. But one theme comes up repeatedly: affairs as a form of self-discovery, a quest for a new (or a lost) identity.” -Esther Perel

She explains this more accurately as “the unexplored self” or “the unlived lives”.

And the two stories she shares highlight that perfectly. They are long, and I cannot include them in this article. But, I recommend giving them a read if this intrigues you — it is chapter 9.

Sometimes, people cheat not because they are looking for someone else. It is because they are looking for themselves.

But the point remains.

It is not because of you, and it is not personal. Your flaws are not always the reason.

Nothing and no one could have stopped this person from doing what they had done. Even if you were someone else — someone you regard as perfect — they would still act the same. Why? It is their inner world, not you or the relationship.

Does this mean betrayal should not hurt?

No.

It hurts like hell.

If someone broke your arm, it would hurt you even if it was a mistake.

But understanding that it was not personal will help you with your recovery process.

Another painful part of your recovery process is understanding your own part.

But if you took cheating personally, you would always mess up the part of understanding the real lesson you should learn from this failed relationship.

Why?

• You will take responsibility for things you should not take responsibility for.
• You will try to fix what is not broken within you.
• And you will feel more pain — the type of pain that will destroy your self-worth and make you think less of yourself.

 

That is not a path you want to go down.

But, and there is always a but, do I mean you should only focus on your partner’s issues?

No, that is dangerous.

This article is not here to tell you that you did nothing wrong and how awful the other person was.

“If you cheat, it’s because you are a selfish, weak, untrustworthy person. But if I do it, it’s because of the situation I found myself in. For ourselves, we focus on the mitigating circumstances; for others, we blame character.” — Esther Perel

You need to rebuild yourself after betrayal.

And god only knows what that means in your situation. But it is always about creating a better version of yourself.

This better version of yourself depends largely on the lessons you should learn from the dismal situation you are in. That is as individual and unique as your fingerprints.

Again, this comes down to the skill of holding two opposing viewpoints to see the bigger picture and make wiser decisions.

Do not take it personally, and do not dismiss working on yourself.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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